Blogging Parents And Privacy.

I'm a freelance writer, so I don't worry about my name getting out there; it's already out there in print anyway. In fact, the more the better!

I do post pics of my kids if it adds to a travel blog post that I'm writing. Many of the pics are several years old. I do not name my kids on them, and they are in the travel location, not our home.

This post has been good for making me think, though. Thanks very much!

Sheila Scarborough
Family Travel: See The World With Your Kids ( http://blogs.bootsnall.com/Seafarer )

When I started my blog (in December 2003) I used my own, real, rather unusual name. I wrote a lot about my family, and posted pictures. I didn't think much about it, as my audience was microscopic. I think I was getting like 20 hits a day.

Last year at blogHer Lisa Williams talked about developing your own blogging policy, and I thought, you know, I should do that. And put it on the to-do list, but didn't do it.

A family member stumbled upon my blog (which by then was getting more like 1,000 hits a day, mostly NOT regular readers but people looking for info on some provocative posts I'd written, on topics as teen drinking, homeopathy, quack treatments for learning disabilities, and some other issues). This family member (FM) went beyond ballistic, because of some of the things I'd said about our family, and some of the pictures. The FM felt I was dishonest and a terrible person.

Yikes.

Frankly, the two posts that upset FM the most, I had totally forgotten writing. The offending material in one was an aside. The other I have no idea why FM was upset, but upset FM was. In the interests of family harmony, I apologized and took action.

So I went through and pulled out almost all the personal material, took down the photo albums, gave children noms du blogue, etc.

And I wrote up my blogging principles, eventually.

Liz's blogging principles ( http://lizditz.typepad.com/i_speak_of_dreams/2005/... )

Liz Ditz
I Speak of Dreams ( http://lizditz.typepad.com )
lizditz@gmail.com

This is pretty much how I feel. I remember when my nephew Grayson started school, and wanted a backpack with his name on it--and then my sister was warned by the school of the DANGER of putting a kid's name on something that was visible by strangers. Yikes, the things you don't think of.

We keep a pretty close watch on our daughter. We also live in an place that is extremely secure, gated, padlocked, and with a full security system at the house, plus dogs. Our phone number is unlisted. I blog using real first names, mainly because I could never keep up the facade of pseudonyms for any length of time. And yes, I post pictures. The main purpose of my blog is to create something my daughter can keep. It's largely about her. I love to use pictures. I don't consider this any more risky than taking her out in public anywhere. Thanks for putting it into better words, Liz.

Belinda ( http://www.ninjapoodles.com )

I try to be open but not stupid. I live far from family and friends, and my blog keeps them informed about my life and that of my son, who's 8 months old.

Right now he's sort of generic baby and thus I don't really worry too much about compromising his future privacy. However, as he grows, I may change my mind about posting photos and stories. Perhaps then I'll start a new blog and go pseudonymous. Who knows?

Since he's in our care 100% of the time, I don't worry about his safety being compromised by online stalkers. But I certainly don't post details of our daily schedules and I'd never post the name of his school--though in this day and age it's easy enough to look up anyone's address and figure out the name and location of the local elementary or middle school from that information. I agree with those who say we should be more worried about the usual suspects rather than about Internet-facilitated crime.

Leslie

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Research and Academia ( http://www.blogher.com/topic/research-academia )
Proprietor, The Clutter Museum ( http://cluttermuseum.blogspot.com )

Today as I was writng something else I decided to take my city/state line out from under my name and then I get over here and read your blog about just that sort of thing. My two children are 16 years apart and now my youngest of those two is 18. When the older was little, abduction was never on the news or talked about in the school. You didn't even have to have the names in the school office of who could pick up your child. My daughter rode the bus and she was safe. My son came along when the time was different and abduction was talked about alot. He did not get to just go off and play all over in the neighborhood only to specific houses. I never let him ride the bus because by that time there were video cameras on the buses and it showed how kids were being beaten up and the bus drivers did nothing to stop it. The perpetrator I have to watch out for now is the internet and TV. Even myspace.com has been on the news. I tell him to be watchful and not give out personal info. He thinks I'm funny but I just want him to be careful. I still tell him not to stop to help someone on the side of the rode if he is alone. He has a cell phone and can help them by calling for help. I'm not fearful or a worrier but I do realize that we can walk into situations we think are harmless when they may not be. I'm glad he's 18 and he's tall and strong and he will continue to weigh situations before just jumping in. And I think I should still think about what I'm giving out across cyberspace and who could pick it up, so I'm really glad I came across your blog today. It will help me think about it more.

Here's to your success & prosperity!
Claudia
Millionaire Mentor ( http://www.christian-millionaire-mentoring.blogspo... )
Cookie the Cocker Spaniel ( http://www.cookiecocker.blogspot.com/ )

Asha, I see your point, and I agree with you--I have days where I wish I had used pseudonyms for my sons, and I find myself wondering if there will come a day when I will need to take the whole thing down, to preserve their privacy. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

It is interesting to me that Tracy started out in her post asking a specific question about our concerns for our childrens' safety, but that the conversation has actually shifted to concerns about their privacy and the various ways we are protecting that aspect of their lives. I don't use pseudonyms but, like Liz, I have a different last name, for example. In a lot of ways, particularly this one, I think the evolution of the blog--of this new literature of motherhood--is a lot like the evolution of the novel; women novelists initially published anonymously, out of a fear that their reputations would be compromised by their participation in the public sphere. But as the novel took on more and more cultural cache, it became acceptable to be a novelist, even a female novelist. I can see some of that in discussions about women's blogs, particularly this type of conversation about what does and does not get revealed, and why.

I do that too Asha... I'm more worried about my kid getting teased a few years from now by classmates about some cute-kid story from when he was 4, than I am about scary stalkers. So we all have blognames, but it's a pretty thin layer of pseudo-anonymity.

I think it will help that our last names are different.

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Liz Henry
lizzard@bookmaniac.net
Badgermama ( http://badgermama.blogspot.com ) - personal & mommyblog
http://liz-henry.blogspot.com

I only use references like "Daughter", but I am publishing a book of blog posts, and some of the stories do identify her older brother ('cause he was interviewed on TV, and they used his real name)

I don't worry about it a lot though, as we live in a small town, and my youngest is now 17 and very savvy in the ways of protecting herself, both online and in real life.

Everything is a matter of balance. Certainly it is good to be considerate of our children's feelings (including how they will feel now and in the future, about us talking about their exploits). And to exercise reasonable caution.
I think most of the attacks we hear of where a child predator located and attempted (or succeeded) having direct contact with a child, the case involves a child who was posting the information about themselves. I have never heard of a case where the predator got his information from something a parent posted. Not that it couldn't happen, I'm just saying I have never heard of it.

Marti ( http://enterthelaughter.com/ )

I look at it this way... Every book I read has an "about the author" section that tells where the author lives and gives pretty specific information about their family. My blog is my format to publish... so I don't worry over much about it, but I do take the basic precautions of not using my last name and not giving specific info about where we live. I don't use my husband's name because I talk about his work from time to time (though I never mention his employer by name).

I'm more worried about the unregistered sex offenders who may live in my neighborhood than about someone finding us via the net. That said, I think everyone has to take the level of precaution that makes them most comfortable.

But You're Innocent When You Dream... ( http://melkist.blogspot.com )

I use pseuds for my kids. I have posted their photos, but if you didn't live here and know us it would be difficult to identify them.

My blog covers everything from my son's ADHD to my passionate diatribes against managed healthcare and immigration reform, so I'm loath to use their real names, or mine, for that matter.

Susan -- writing honestly is a gift to your sons (they'll have an amazing way to know you that will stand apart from who they see as "Mom"). It's also a gift to any parent who reads what your stories. My point is not to obscure the details or sugar-coat one's writing for the sake of privacy. Thank God for the "new" literature of motherhood emerging today! But for me, removing the identifying info -- simply changing the names so they're not Googleable -- allows me to the freedom to write much more honestly. I'll still have a legacy to share with my children when they're ready, but I want to give THEM the choice to say, "Hey everybody! That's me she's writing about!" If they want to, great. If they don't, fine. Either way, they'll be able to learn something about what it was like to raise them, and what it was like for me to become (and be) a mother.

Asha, your sense that "it's as much about legacy as it is about privacy" is so interesting to me. Shortly after I started my blog, my older son was diagnosed with ADHD and an autistic spectrum disorder; I have written, very openly, about what we have been through with him and how it has affected our family. And while I do think about how he and his brother will view what I have written, I feel like this web site is about ME and not about them; this is a record of what our life was like when they were children. At my house, that means living with a special needs child, for better or worse.

In some ways, I may have compromised Henry's privacy, but I think that the story I am trying to tell--of loving my sons and doing what needed to be done for them--is an important legacy. I want my sons to have some sense, when they are older, of what it was like to raise them, to be their mother. I wonder, often, about my own mother's experience when I was a child.

I don't write publicly about my sons in order to embarass them; in fact, I am careful not to. But it is important to me to be as honest as I can in my writings about them, about their life. Because this IS a legacy, really.

(And--my full name and the city I live in appear on my site. My husband and sons have a different last name, which I will never use on the site. I post pictures of my sons but not of anyone else's children. I have never named my children's schools or my husband's employer, and I write only the vaguest terms about what he actually does for a living.)

When I first started my blog, I had this really cute template designed with my kids faces. I didn't even think to consult Husband. When he saw it, he freaked. He said he doesn't want our kids faces put 'out there' like that. So, I was totally bummed and had to ask the designer who had already been paid, to redesign it with some 'far away' shots of our kids.
I agree with Liz Henry. It's the family and close friend circle you really need to watch out for with your kids.

Mommy On The Verge

I do agree that there are legitimate safety issues, but a bigger issue bothers me. My children have their own lives apart from me. They are not just my children. I try to keep in mind is that MY blog is about MY life. My children will be grown someday, mostly likely with the same names. To blog about my children using their real names is to take away their own right to privacy, both now and in the future. While I am very much in charge of much in their lives now, I don't believe I have the right to publicize their childhood. I do write about them, but don't use anything more than first names and I never use our family surname.

Thanks for the link, Tracey -- so nice to hear what people have to say on this. For me, it boils down the Google cache. Google never forgets. There's stuff on the Internet I wrote on random mailing lists in, like, 1996. No big deal, really, but when it comes to my kids, if I use their real names, their futures on the Internet will be forever tied to my writings about them. I'm not sure that's fair.

For me it's as much about legacy as it is about privacy.

I haven't specifically said where I live, but it wouldn't be real hard. I have 15 registered sex offenders in the smallish town where I live, so I'm more worried about them than an internet stalker.

Space and Time ( http://melissanandjoshua.blogspot.com )

My name, my husband's name (he's "out" on his blog, too), my kid's names. The information is there and available. We've discussed it as a family and don't feel it's an issue. I agree with Liz that child molesters are your uncles, your cousins, the nice guys next door, men you're dating, and your priests.

Mary
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy & Family ( http://www.blogher.com/topic/mommy-family )
Mom Writes ( http://marytsao.blogspot.com )

I've never posted a picture of my daughter on the blog. That is one of my husbands very specific requests - no pictures of he or Emily. Although I do use our first names, I haven't used last names - and I try to be fairly vague about exactly where we live.

I've never taken my spouse's name, so I don't worry so much about that potential link. I managed our state's central registry of child abuse and neglect for a couple of years and I didn't want someone connecting my daughter to me through our last names. My professional position has always been one of cautious safety, but not fear.

However, it is a fine line. I don't want to think that there is someone "stalking" me or my child through the internet - although I have had people google my first and last maiden names and get to my site. I have assumed it was old friends from college or other harmless interest. I even called them out on the blog, but never got any response.

I think, though, that this question goes more deeply into the heart of "what is blogging", or perhaps "why do you blog". As we know, the answer is wildly individual.

I think it's way over-paranoid. I am in public spaces all the time, and I don't use a pseudonym when I talk to or about my child to other people in public. "Online" is just another public space. I am not afraid to use my full name or the names of people I know, or to put my picture out there into the world. Not any more than I am afraid to use my name and show my face in the rest of my life.

I've said it before and I'll say it again but family, male partners and trusted friends are the main risk to women and their children. Sad but true.

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Liz Henry
lizzard@bookmaniac.net
Badgermama ( http://badgermama.blogspot.com ) - personal & mommyblog
http://liz-henry.blogspot.com

I've thought about this quite a lot. I do post pictures of my kids, and use their real first names, and the state where we live, but that's it. On other sites where I write, or need to use a last name, I use a fake name. Not even my maiden name because I don't want anyone googling me. I don't have my last name on my email account, or anything else where I might be corresponding with unknown people. I have considered removing pictures that might end up on pedophilia sites, like pictures of my son in his new undies, etc. but so far I haven't.
Blah, blah blah, anyway, the bottom line is you have to assess how much of a risk you're willing to take.
Sheryl ( http://papernapkin.typepad.com/ )

this topic is one close to my own heart right now. i use a pseudo, and post pretty limited information about my boy. no pics, probably ever. this is less about my own paranoia about stalkers and such, but my husband's concerns over the privacy and the fact that my son cannot make the choice to say yes or no about being blogged about--exactly in line with Ashaland. these are not my concerns, but i can see his point. however, by not being able to do this, I do feel sometimes I don't get to journal from the heart about my boy and who he is now. You are leaving a legacy for M that I am sure she will treasure one day (potty training dilemmas and all)

that said, I think it is a relatively valid concern on J's part--as I write more about myself, the more "identifying information" i give away. and there are some crazies out there, even though i think some of this is media overblown. In answer to your question, because i have made the decision not to post pics and the name of my child, i would expect someone to ask my permission if they wanted to publish pics of him. it's not necessarily something you can take for granted as o.k.

nice topic, sweetney.

I don't go out of my way to say the city I live in, though it probably wouldn't be hard to figure out.

I use my unmarried name and don't give out the names of my children or husband.

I post pictures of myself, but not of my family. Though my kids are turning 3 and 5 this summer and I'm considering writing posts about my two very different birth experiences and accompanying them with photos of my kids when they were young infants (up to 3 months old probably). I don't think anyone could do much with that.

http://politicallyincorrectmoms.blogspot.com/

This is a topic I have toyed with, only because certain friends of mine pay attention to what I write and call me the moment they read any type of identifying information about me. "You and Roger! Dallas! They'll find you!"

I haven't been very concerned about privacy, other than the usual: my address and last name aren't posted on my site, though I've googled myself and wound up at my website, so apparently I'm less thorough than I originally thought.

I don't have children, so I can't speak regarding that issue. Though my nephew is TOTALLY plastered all over my site, and my sister is always delighted to see him on there.

So! Basically, I'm just waiting for it to come back and bite me in the ass.

I am very cautious when it comes to my blog. There are many details I leave out (weekly or daily routines, for example) and I try to keep it safe for my children. I don't mind posting pics of them, because there is no way anyone could figure out where we are based on the details there. Now, if someone really wanted to find us, I'm guessing they could, regardless of pseudonyms and the like. The "last name" I use, is not real. Even here at BlogHer. I'm more concerned with my pyscho mother finding my blog, then with a stranger. Course she does know where we live, so there is a constant 'looking over my shoulder' mentality that I have to deal with.
I do wonder about other bloggers who have their real full last names and their city posted - do they run into problems?

--
Troll Baby ( http://www.troll-baby.com/ )

Troll Baby Graphics ( http://trollbabygraphics.blogspot.com/ )

I used to spend a lot of time on another website aimed at women, mostly on message boards. I'm often surprised at the amount of information that women unwittingly give out about their children. It's not uncommon for their signature to have an image with their children's name and ages on them. They often post details of where they live and their schedules. They never give specifics but if you really wanted to figure things out you probably could. They've gotten so comfortable with the community of people that they interact with that they forget that *anyone* can access it.

The same can be applied to blogs. It's easy to get lured in to thinking that it's your space and only visited by people you know because those are the people that comment. The truth is, we never really know who is reading our blogs. I think that most people wouldn't tell the random guy next to them on the bus their child's name. Why give it out on the internet?

Monkey Trouble ( http://sassymonkey.wordpress.com/ ), Sassymonkey Reads ( http://sassymonkeyreads.wordpress.com/ ), and Sassymonkey Eats ( http://sassymonkeyeats.wordpress.com/ )