I blog about my poly relationship. It's polyamorous in that there are three of us, but we call ourselves polygamous because we consider ourselves married and not "open."

I blog at www.distelfinkfarm.blogspot.com

Hi, Susan!

Thanks for mentioning me. Yeah, polyamory is very interesting and challenging. I've found quite often that people who are initially "shocked" by the concept soon afterward find themselves learning more about it. Whether you're interested in entering into poly relationships or not, I think it's helpful to view monogamy as an *option* -- not necessarily the ideal or only type of relationship. For some people, monogamy is the best option. But relationships are definitely not one-size-fits-all.

It'll be interesting to see what kind of feedback you get here.

The most surprising thing I've found about being poly is that in many ways it makes my life *less* emotionally complicated, because it allows me to be more honest with myself than when I thought monogamy was the only "real" option available to me. I definitely feel more at peace with myself and more confident in relationships than I used to.

Also, it was perhaps the best thing that ever happened to my marriage. In several ways.

- Amy Gahran

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Amy Gahran

Editor, Poynter's E-Media Tidbits

The Right Conversation: Talking about conversational media

Contentious<

I second Amy's thoughts about life being less complicated since I've started seeing monogamy as one option on a whole spectrum of available relationship models. One of the things that becomes really obvious when you start consciously designing your relationship, rather than just taking the "standard model" is that everyone seems to have radically different ideas about what monogamy means. So it leads to some real complications when two people in a relationship believe that there is only one acceptable way for a relationship to function, and they are both using the same word to describe that system, but they mean radically different things.

For example, I have monogamous friends who consider it just fine for their partners to have very close friends of the attractive gender who they go camping and hiking with and spend a lot of really intimate time with, as long as there's no sex. Other friends would find it completely unacceptable for their partner to have a casual lunch date with a co-worker of the attractive gender. Both of those relationships styles could be called monogamous.

Polyamory, for me, doesn't really have much to do with having multiple partners, as much as it has to do with consciously and clearly deciding what parameters are going to work for us.

Unfortunately, not everyone sees the idea of options as a positive thing, and so I don't blog about it much. My partner's family reads my blog, and he's uncomfortable being outed to them just yet. So I skim along the surface of the issue, only mentioning enough that if you already knew, you would know. And if you would rather not know, you could pretend that P. visiting a "friend" in the city means just that he is visiting a friend. Family's are complicated.

Peace,
DeAnna
Last Track

Hi Susan--I was there too when Amy made her announcement. What I have to say is...it's not for me. My makeup seems to be fiercely monogamous and heterosexual. But I am so grateful for the wonders of the internets, because I've been able to read other's accounts of different ways of being, in a way I never would have been able to 20 years ago.

Liz Ditz
I Speak of Dreams
lizditz@gmail.com

DeAnna wrote:

"Polyamory, for me, doesn't really have much to do with having multiple partners, as much as it has to do with consciously and clearly deciding what parameters are going to work for us."

Yeah, I agree with that very much -- both in terms of allowing each relationship to rise to its natural level and potential, and in terms of being very conscious and honest about that process. Basically, not blindly accepting suspiciously vague "default settings."

Amy Gahran

Editor, Poynter's E-Media Tidbits

The Right Conversation: Talking about conversational media

Contentious<

Oh, and by the way, I'd highly recommend The podcast Polyamory Weekly, by CunningMinx. I subscribe to many, many podcasts, and this is one of only about three that I absolutely must listen to as soon as it's published.

Amy Gahran

Editor, Poynter's E-Media Tidbits

The Right Conversation: Talking about conversational media

Contentious<

:-) Thanks for mentioning me and my podcast!

I'd also recommend Polyamorous Percolations, a website with articles, resources and more about polyamory, poly vs. swinging, poly parenting, etc.

Also, the show blog for Polyamory Weekly podcast is at Polyweekly.livejournal.com; I also post a few tidbits during the week and link to sites much better than mine.

In terms of blogs, both Inki and Tacit are intelligent activists who frequently write insightful articles on polyamory and/or bisexuality in their personal blogs.

So Susan, just curious -- why were you "a tad shocked" to learn that I'm poly? I'd like to understand that reaction better.

Amy Gahran

Editor, Poynter's E-Media Tidbits

The Right Conversation
Contentious

True story. I was telling a friend about how I'd met this woman who was raising her kid with two husbands and my friend said this: "I can see how that would make parenting a lot easier."

:)

Nerd's Eye View

Personally, polyamory is not for me. That said, I certainly respect that it is totally the thing for some people. One thing I admire about polyamory is the commitment to honesty and openness and mutual respect. Something which is so important in every relationship.

However, I have observed something in some polyamorous people. Friends have told me that they can have sex that's just "fun" and then there's sex that's "meaningful." Since I respect them, I believe that that's true for them. But I have met polyamorous people who seem unable to experience sex as a deep, romantic connection. It appears to me, that the danger in having "fun" sex, the same way one enjoys a good meal or working out or anything else we do that's simply "fun," is that how then is sex ever meaningful and special?

It may be that this is perhaps the total point of polyamory, to demystify sex. At the time that I made this realization about someone in particular, I had the strongest sense that he was "broken," unable to truly love, but that may be my biased perception. Ultimately, if that's what works for him, I suppose that's his choice. But I found it sad.

Which is precisely why polyamory doesn't work for me. I value a strong, intimate, special, romantic, loving sexual connection I share with no one but my beloved in an ongoing, exclusive monogamous relationship. No amount of sex or sex partners - even if it could somehow be incredible - could ever take the place of that for me.

I'm poly and occasionally blog about that, but it's not a big focus. People do seem fascinated with it and often ask me questions offline about how our lives are structured.

Take a look at Bitch, PhD. She has some great posts on being poly! (here's one.)

Trish Wilson wrote a good roundup about polyamory here.

Livejournal can also be a good place to look around for people's thoughts: list of people and communities on LJ who link to polyamory as an interest.

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Liz Henry
lizzard@bookmaniac.net
Badgermama - personal & mommyblog
http://liz-henry.blogspot.com