The Catholic & The Aethist: July 4th came & went and here we are

Everyone just wants to be loved for who they are-not what they will become. That couldnt have been an easy transition. The one best peice of advice I ever got was dont marry who you can live with - marry who you cannot live with out.

I often wonder what is wrong with relationships in general that we can't get to the true heart ot meety part of the transparency of the other person till one is on the verge of marriage?

Yet how can we fall in "love" with someone when we even dont know their core values or what makes them tick? Are we so desperate for someone to be nice to us we give up our own
values or devalue our selves just to get along? I pose it not love at all but infatuation or being in love with the idea love.

I find this disparaging in this day age where we claim so much freedom yet live in so much fear. How can fear of what the other will do or think be the best basis of ANY GOOD relationship? Why do we fear asking the hard questions till seemingly the last minute?

Atheists have their own god. It is none other than themselves -since they believe themselves to be knowing all there is to know about the universe and any earthly thing so as come to their conclusion about God. Frankly who
wants someone who thinks they have all knowledge or is a mindreader-like type who would love to put words in your mouth at any given chance? My Gut feeling is ...run FORREST!

Marriage is hard enough without someone who will stand by you -hook, line and sinker.

I think there are bridges that arent meant to be gapped. I think there are intolerances worth standing for(GASP).
I dont want cannibals eating my children and drunk drivers killing my loved ones. I dont want kooks to have free entrance into schools to kill people. Everyman for himself is associated with chaos.

Hold on to your faith gift. Gifts can be shared if they are appreciated. But no one likes giving a gift to one who is ungrateful.

Beauty B.
beautybulletin ( http://beautybulletin.blogspot.com )

Point taken... & these are questions that I am presently asking myself even at this moment in time...

Where I've landed so far--

I happen to be a very tolerant person so I think I would be ok with my children being taught that their father does not believe and doesn't think that God exists, if I have the space to teach them in turn what I believe and my knowledge that he does.

& then, I think what happens from there on is between them and God.

Thank you for your wishes Indigo Black and for sharing your thoughts.

You write,

"I can tell you that I will never marry a believer only because at this point in society the gap is just too big to attempt to jump over."

I gotta believe that it is possible to jump over anything, including that.

At one point in our society the gap was too big for rich people to marry poor people or for black people to marry white or for Irish to marry Italian and so on...

I have to believe that anything is possible and even this gap in society can be overcome.

Will keep you posted.

Actually, I'm not looking for him to convert and believe as I do b/c I don't think that that conversation is for me to have with him, that's between him & God. What I am committed to is to his respecting me and my beliefs and my respecting him and his. & that's what we're in the middle of handling. We share the same values and for me that is enough. Beyond that what I'm committed to is that we share is tolerance.

Just catching up from being away myself Mata H. Thank you so much for your post and for sharing your own story. Time will tell how it ends for us...

It is slightly different for us in so far as I am clear there is a deep soul-connection that we share- one that neither of us has experienced at this level of depth before... our values are the same and we really care about being the change that we want to see in the world.

The difference is that for me God is everywhere. For him God is not. & so will that be too big of a difference for us to get over and is that too large a palce in each of us to not share?... again, time will tell.

Thanks again for the post.

Kety,

As a christian, I cannot help but think that things would be best if you chose to part ways romantically. That is not to say that he is a horrible person.

As a married person with children, I cannot imagine raising them with someone who is diametrically opposed to things that I hold dear. As parents our greatest role is that of the teacher. We teach our children about the world and their place in it. As someone who believes in God, could you really be comfortable with your children being taught that He doesn't exist and is nothing more than an overworked imagination? Marriage does not solve problems when there are disagreements, it only accentuates those weak places even more. You can love someone that you disagree with on these issues, but you cannot build a life together with them. One or the other of you will always feel as if you are not being true to your inner selves and resentment will build in these hot spots in a relationship. When marriage first occurs, it's all about romantic feelings, passion, and the excitement of a new life, but those feelings come and go through the years as you try to build a fulfilling life. During those times when the romantic tank is low, you need more to sustain your life together. Common beliefs, common goals, and a sense that you are heading in the same direction together are what see you through those times in life that are a struggle...and trust me, EVERY marriage has its struggles.

Plus...God is very real. There are all kinds of arguments for and against Him, but none of those adds to or takes away from His existence.

I can only imagine what you are going through and I admire the fact that you have the strength to talk about it and perhaps understand that there are some differences that cannot be overcome. I am an atheist and I can tell you that I will never marry a believer only because at this point in society the gap is just too big to attempt to jump over.

Please do keep us updated. I hope things work out for the best :)

Lexicon Indigo ( http://lexiconindigo.com )|Blogilepsy ( http://blogilepsy.com )|SmutWriter ( http://smutwriter.com )

Kety,
Best that you both know now of a major difference between you. To give you some idea of what happens when believers and unbelievers find themselves together in a marriage well along in years, you might want to check out some of the experiences at http://www.exchristian.net Here's one of the 'Extimonies' titled 'Out of a life of Extremism' http://exchristian.net/testimonies/

I can well imagine that the couple in that example would experience a long and involved erosion of their relationship that would be difficult for both and as the saying goes 'there are other fish in the sea' and you appear to be young enough to find someone who more closely shares your spiritual viewpoint.

As an unbeliever myself after exploring a good deal of studies of religions and their histories I found that once I myself walked away from belief in supernatural things that the idea of being romantically involved with someone who is a believer would serve no constructive benefit especially if the believer is more fundamentalist in their belief system.

The reasons for belief and unbelief are many and since 'shades of belief' have such a broad range of definition from those bordering on the philosophical to fundamentalist to my way of thinking, a believer in a relationship with an unbeliever who knows in depth the history and negative nature of religions would likely find themselves in a relationship that is in conflict on a major issue of difference and who wants to live that way?

You may ask 'Why can't my Atheist/Agnostic/Secularist/Philosophical romantic interest ever see things my way?' Well, if you have any interest at all, here are some links besides exchristian.net, http://www.ffrf.org, http://www.ethicalatheist.com and http://www.infidels.org Of course, if you have no interest at all, then I think you have found your best answer so best for you to find a mate who believes as you do and spare yourself and him the heartache and frustrations.

Dear Kety -
I've been away for a bit and have just read your post. I believe that I learned anew the importance of my faith when I dated an Athiest for 2 years. There was a piece of us that never sparked, a soul-connection that never happened. And I don't mean anything like a dogma-connection...I mean that place of mutual understanding about the nature of life. It was ultimately, too large a place in each of us to not share. My heart goes out to you both and my prayers ascend for you both. Thank you for sharing this.
~~ blogging relentlessly at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

Blogher community thank you so much for all of your kind replies to my post. I really appreciate it and get what a beatiful community this is. I'm honored, humbled and thankful to be a part of it.

Although I am not getting married, I am going on my honeymoon. =-) Off to New Zealand tonight. Might not be online for the next week- will try to find a place to log on from Down Under so I can post but just wanted to give you a heads up in case you don't hear from me until after I'm back.

Thank you for your prayers.

I agree. We often fear things, which we really shouldn't because ultimately they are not things that kill us... but only make us stronger.

Whatever happens, I am clear that this too will be one of those.

Thank you for that... I've struggled a lot with ambiguity and uncertainty over the course of the last few months, years, now I am simply being with it. I've created the possibility of calm & grace & peace to go along with not knowing/being clear re what's next.

Thank you for your kind words. I suppose that in one way or another we all struggle with something & it makes it that much easier to have a community to share the
ups and the downs with. Thank you for your listening & your wishes.

Thank you for that. Regarding Cross-posting- done.

Thank you, for everything.

...makes you stronger. Kety, the decision you and your Atheist made was incredibly difficult. And wise and brave. Your post resonates for all of us b/c we each have to negotiate sometimes serious differences in relationships. Thank you so much for sharing how important your faith and the Atheist are to you and how you're traveling the path with both. I will pray for both of you.

Cassandra

Patience is a virtue that takes too long ( http://cassandra-blog.blogspot.com/ )

... but I know it's a hard place to be, and I wish you luck in figuring it out.

--
Mir from WCS
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda ( http://wouldashoulda.com/ )

Having it all with less: Want Not ( http://wantnot.net/ )

What a beautiful and insightful post. I admire you for having the courage to share it here. I'm sure a lot of other women can relate to your struggle. Best wishes to you as you continue to work through this.

Kalyn Denny
Kalyn's Kitchen ( http://kalynskitchen.blogspot.com )

Hi Kety,

Thank you for this thoughtful and honest post. Both of you are in my thoughts!

Also, if you'd like to put this post in the "Sex & Relationships" topic as well, I think it would be a great addition.

Liz Rizzo
Contributing Editor
Sex & Relationships

Oh Kety. Your sentence that strikes me hardest is this one: "Some around us worry it might be a deal breaker."

If there were ever a time for the people who love you to listen patiently (and hourly if need be), to nod AND zip their lips...now is that time. This decision is between the two of you, and the people who love you need to trust you to love each other enough to do the right thing.

I cannot imagine what an altered weekend this must have been for you. I also don't know that many people who could weigh the opinion of someone diametrically opposed to their own (his atheism versus your belief) in such an evenhanded way. By the time you got around to writing, "I believe that faith is a blessing, given, not imposed" - well, you had me. You really are walking your talk woman. It cannot be easy. I admire it.

Yes, please do keep us posted. I'll be thinking of you both.

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder ( http://www.blogher.com/member/lisa-stone )
Surfette ( http://surfette.typepad.com )