Must we rank our roles?

Sara, that was really articulate. And you summed up what I've been thinking about this topic since Mir brought it up. Very good thoughts.

Space and Time ( http://embracingmyinsanity.blogspot.com )

I used to get caught in "the balance trap" thinking that only if I could be more organized, more scheduled and more consious about every little decsion I could "get balanced" (in terms of my roles & priorites) and things wouldn't get out of whack...

But that's just not realistic.

My favorite yiddish saying is "Humans Make Plans, And G-d Laughs" How can we keep everything perfectly balanced all the time when just when we've got everything sorted out life throws us a curve ball like losing a job, a sick parent, or a joyus occasion like another baby?

There is no such thing as perfect balance - There are only choices to be made, the best you can, on a daily, sometime moment-to-moment basis...trying to keep the big picture & end "goals" in mind.

Instead of trying to create the prefectly balanced life, I now try to remain a balanced woman. To me a balanced woman regularly tunes into her own thoughts and feelings, makes choices that reflect her values, and takes the time to replenish her depleted energy. In short, a balanced woman lives purposefully – not perfectly. She can survive & thrive with whatever throws her way.

That's my $.02 :)

Sarah Zeldman
www.SolutionsForBusyMoms.com ( http://www.SolutionsForBusyMoms.com )

Hi Mary,

Your post is much more thoughtful than her essay. Even though my take is a bit different than yours, I understand where you're coming from. Your last point about maintaining a relationship being a joint effort rings especially true.

My issue with AW is not so much her opinion (although I do not agree with her), it is in the way she chose to quantify her love for her husband. IIRC, she wrote she would willingly place of her children in front of a bullet to save his life. That to me, is just crazy talk and could be pretty damaging for her kids to read.

Its not on par with her sun and moons analogy or with simply stating the obvious affection she has for her husband.

The Welblog ( http://welborn.blogspot.com )

But I always feel guilty about it. But then - we all do. I absolutely need time for myself, my art, and my blog. If I don't get that, nobody's happy in our house.

Making my son a priority would be easy, he just comes and demands my attention. Making my husband a priority is harder, he almost never comes and says that he is needing something. But when we're neglecting our relationship, we tend to have big fights. And you always have time for those. So on my to-do-list on my PDA are the things that I do for me (practice, excercize, etc.), then a reminder to really talk to my husband, and scheduled cuddle-time for both of us.

My son gets cuddle-time in the mornings, playtime in-between and reading-time in the evenings. But I don't have to put that on a to-do-list. And he gets quality time with his father and grandmother too. So we all take turns here.

I would hate the thought of having no life without my husband or my kid. (And I'd get real cranky!)

Diapers and Music ( http://www.susannefritzsche.blogspot.com )

Windeln und Musik ( http://www.windeln-und-musik.blogspot.com )

That you weren't picking on me - I didn't see it that way - I was just kinda clarifying where I was coming from, you nut.
*runs and hides*
Karen
--
Troll Baby ( http://www.troll-baby.com/ )

Troll Baby Graphics ( http://www.troll-babygraphics.com/ )

I resemble that nuts remark! ;)

I didn't mean to pick on you at all, Karen. I got where you were coming from. Just sparked some larger issues for me. And as I said, I love the discussion that's ensued.

M

--
Mir from WCS
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda ( http://wouldashoulda.com/ )

Having it all with less: Want Not ( http://wantnot.net/ )

Thanks Mir! Who would have thought that my little rant could bring up so much discussion. I guess I hit a nerve that day, though I was ranting. I felt pulled in all directions at the time, and all I wanted to do was throw up my hands, and go to the park with my kids. So I did. I took a few days for them, and in turn, it slowed me down enough to enjoy them.

Something in me clicked that day - something that said, "They are only young once."

Now I may have ranked my roles in that post, but truly, it's still a juggling act for me - most days I wear all my many hats, changing them constantly. My husband and I take time out together, a date every week. I love the reconnection with him as well. Not only that, he is very much a teammate in this parenting factory we've got goin' on here.

The home-based business sees alot of me most days - but lately I've taken the weekends off to just breathe and enjoy the family time.

Also, I have always maintained myself - since Dylan was born nearly eight years ago. That's expressed in my hobby: the blog, and taking time for me, about once a day - whether it be a walk with the dog, yoga, watching trashy t.v., or a million other things I like to do.

The balancing act is fun, isn't it? My best advice is not to forget who you are, however nuts you may be. ;)

Karen

--
Troll Baby ( http://www.troll-baby.com/ )

Troll Baby Graphics ( http://www.troll-babygraphics.com/ )

Is important.

I find that it is equal time for my whole family.

I do feel however that my two children are the only two people that have the right to demand "pieces" of me. They are the only people who have the right to demand my time, my energy, etc, just because of their birth. After all, I brought them into this world. I understood, especially after the first one, what having an child entailed. I understood how much of my personal space, time, life would be sacrificed. I didn't go into this blind.

I do not believe however that we have to choose one part of our families over the other, the husband over the children for example. I believe there is room for everyone. But maybe I am coming at this with rose colored glasses. My husband also puts the whole family as a priority, not his friends, not his golf swing, us.

Now that doesn't mean that we don't go out to the movies or to dinner, and I work out of the house about 10 hours a week, but we both feel that we want to spend as much time as we can with the kids now while they are little and still want us around because I know that I will "blink" and my baby will be 13, wanting to bet a tatoo, yelling at me because she can't have the latest make-up, cell-phone contraption, and telling me that she wants me to get out of her room.

So for now, my whole family comes first, I don't want to miss out on those little things. Those little moments. There will be time in the future for me to have time to make my husband and myself the priority.

... for chiming in on this. I love reading the different points of view, and I feel a bit less freakish knowing I'm not the only one intrigued by this issue.

Mir

--
Mir from WCS
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda ( http://wouldashoulda.com/ )

Having it all with less: Want Not ( http://wantnot.net/ )

I don't mind opening up the Ayelet can of worms to say I think she was right with her essay about loving her husband more than her kids (Full text here ( http://www.ayeletwaldman.com/truly.html ).)

I believe I can be a great mother and a great wife, but that if I'm a great mother and a crappy wife, it won't work. This is my believe because I grew up in a single mom household for many years. Maybe it's because I never had it, but I want my kids to have that nuclear family structure, that mom-and-dad support system that I didn't have.

If I ignore my husband or put him below everything else in my life repeatedly, our relationship will suffer and "options" will start looking viable. I know this to be true from experience -- this is my second marriage.

I would like to point out, though, that this works both ways. Husbands/partners also need to realize the priorities. It's no good for women to figure out the ranking. The priorities of a family should be part of a jointly-decided value system.

Mary
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy & Family ( http://www.blogher.com/topic/mommy-family )
Mom Writes ( http://marytsao.blogspot.com )

on this one, Mir. Being a child of divorce, I know how important it is for a child to have both parents together, for security, and as role models. Focusing on your marriage first shows them the importance of that bond, and it is really the best thing you can do for your children. So, in a sense, by putting your marriage first, you ARE putting your children first. And somewhere in there, you have to take care of yourself, too, because, I don't know about you, but if I'm tired and stressed, I'm not a very patient or understanding mommy.

I loved this string so much I blogged it at Clubmom ( http://useyourwords.clubmom.com/use_your_words/200... ). Check it out. Oh, and for me, career. It's first.

Sneadwoman
Now, What Am I Doing? ( http://sneadwoman.blogs.com/nowwhat )
Use Your Words ( http://useyourwords.clubmom.com )

of throwing myself into all child centered parenting. And I thought I was a freak for breaking down on the bathroom floor when he was four months old because I couldn't remember doing something for me. And I slowly resolved to get a portion back of myself. I'm a single parent, but if I were married, I would focus on the relationship first and then the baby.

One of my biggest fears is the baby leaves the house, I find out I've lost myself. I'm now taking steps to prevent that.

Space and Time ( http://melissanandjoshua.blogspot.com )

I was always scared that I'd lose myself - that I would just become Mommy once I had kids.

For me, it was instinctual to focus on the girls, especially when they were infants. But what really helped keep me from feeling as if I'd lost myself was that fact that my husband was just as committed to the Daddy role as I was to the Mommy role.

That is, I haven't been pigeonholed into being all Mommy, all the time. Likewise, he's not all Work-Work-Work, all the time. And we both make time to enjoy each other, our friends, and our hobbies.

It's a constant balancing act, for sure.

...oh, don't get me wrong - I was mom, yesterday - I will always be there for my kids, just not right now.

Personally - and especially with four kids home for the summer - I have no set rules on being "the perfect mom" because there ain't no such animal.

Besides, it would be one more thing for me to mess up (not following some sort of mothering rule, I mean) and Lord knows I don't need another reason to beat myself up about.

This morning, I'm here...writing...and only after smiling and telling my kids, "Find yourselves something to do, Mom's working right now."

Later, I will change my outfit (read: pajamas) and become...Lawnmower Mom.

Even later, I will be both the good mother/wife and take my husband his lunch (that he made himself, but forgot on the kitchen table, being sidetracked after loading the dishwasher for me, while I slept) and then take the kids to the bay to hunt for shells.

Later still - I will revert to being a little girl, after calling my parents to remind them to take their meds and stay out of the heat.

My point is, the roles that I will play change from day to day (sometimes a matter of minutes) and I have learned to live up to only one label, consistently - being me...and even that is subject to flexibility.

Great discussion, Mir - I'd lick you, but I'm still working on my first cup of coffee and haven't even brushed my teeth, yet ;o)

--------------------------------------------
For more from Liz Thompson, read:
C.E. Fashion & Shopping ( http://www.blogher.com )
This Full House
( http://thisfullhouse.com )The Imperfect Parent ( http://imperfectparent.com )

I knew I had weird interests and hobbies for a reason. Of course, my Kid will think we're both uber-dorky and still not want to come over when he is old. Which is fine, because I'll still be doing uber-dorky things. ;)

Family Living; Hatfield Style ( http://www.thejhatfields.org/blog )
Jenna

My best friend gave me this advice when I decided to go back to school. Her mother was the same as your parents. While her mother doesn't flounder any longer because her life now revolves around her grand-children she worried because I was such a young parent. She didn't want the same thing to happen to me at 38.

Chantel Williams
BlogHer Life Contributing Editor
http://www.lifeandtimesofchantel.com

I deal with the fallout of my parents' choice to make their kids the be-all and end-all every day. I appreciate their sacrifice, but if the truth be told, I wish they would have taken some time to develop their interests and their hobbies, so that we kids wouldn't have grown up believing we were the center of the universe.

Now they are elderly and have been floundering, sort of lost, ever since the last kid moved out. They wonder why no one calls or comes over - it is because they are so incredibly boring, because they never developed their own lives.

I see such danger in making kids so important. Part of maturity is realizing that you're not so special, that everyone counts. Being an exceptionally fawned-over child makes that growing-up process very difficult and more traumatic than necessary.

Remember that Meredith Brooks song from the 90s? I've often felt that is the only way I could be desicribed. I'm a Mom and I love my children and they have had to come first before so many other things. My job is to make them first but my job is to also thrive in this world.

Thriving involved going back to school, dating sometimes, putting make-up on in the morning and sometimes just sitting in my bedroom with a bottle of wine in one hand a chocolate in the other. I had to do these things to be a better parent. I love them and appreciate them more because I am fulfilled as a person. But I did it because they gave me the ambition to learn and live.

Chantel Williams
BlogHer Life Contributing Editor
http://www.lifeandtimesofchantel.com

I'm not sure we have to think about it as prioritizing one over the other. For me, setting an example by having my own interests and being a good partner is an important part of being a mom. It helps teach my son to value himself for himself, not just for his relationship to others (that's codependence), and it shows him what a healthy relationship is like. If I show my son that having a family means sacrificing everything else to the altar of parenthood, he may never want to have one himself. (If he chooses not to for other reasons, that's fine--I just don't want it to be because I made it seem unattractive.)

Yes, sometimes there are daily tradeoffs, and our son often has to come first. It's hard to have a romantic evening, for example, when he won't sleep. There's less time to blog when there's laundry to do. These are external events, though. They don't determine my identity or make me any less of a partner to my sweetie. If anything, helping each other through these daily hurdles has strengthened our relationship. We've learned how to be better partners, in all senses, even as we've learned how to be moms.

As a lesbian, I dealt with issues of identity and integration even before I was a mom. It was important for me to learn (and try to help others understand) that being a lesbian is only part of who I am, not all of it. Likewise, while being a mom is a large part of my life right now, it's not the only way I define myself.

I also think there are often no clear boundaries between our various roles. Is doing the family laundry part of the "mom" role, the "partner/spouse" role, or the "caring for myself and my own appearance" role? It all gets mixed up in the wash.

Mombian: Sustenance for Lesbian Moms
http://www.mombian.com

In our household, it breaks down like this:

1. God.
2. Family.
3. Everything else.

With the "family" part, we have taken the advice of both my Mother and MIL and made sure to concentrate on the two of us, as a couple. True, there are days and even weeks when Nicholas is demanding of our time and energy. We have a sit down conversation once or twice a week. Every three months, we take a night off and spend time as a couple. Mostly, we talk about Nicholas during that time but we also get silly and sappy and romantic. We're weird. Being a Mom (or, in Josh's case, a Dad) is equal, in our family, with being a wife (or Husband). If I'm not doing one of the things as well as I should be (be it wife-ing or mothering), the other part of the family suffers as well.

Which is why I told my boss (i.e. "Other Stuff") that I'm leaving after this summer. *FREAKS OUT*

Family Living; Hatfield Style ( http://www.thejhatfields.org/blog )
Jenna

I always seem to manage to put my foot in my mouth on this sort of stuff but I was a person long before I was a mother. So the first person on my list is me. And when I'm good - then I can take care of everybody else. (And Zombie Mommie can stay safely tucked away for another day.)

And my partner? Well, he married me. Not a wife. Not a mother. It's been great to add those roles on. But they're additions, not foundations.

For me, anyways, it works.

but in my opinion children, especially infants and very young children, need to be a priority for families. Kids need their parents. Period. (I'm not going to touch the Ayelet Waldman-esque Stand By Your Man stuff, save to say I personally think its crap.)

We're always going to have role conflict of some sort, unless our individual status consists of sitting under a tree, humming to ourselves 24-7.

In my day to day life, the roles shift. One day, I'm all mama. The next, the balance shifts to school. And so on. Because of my son's age (not quite 2) he usually is our priority. Sometimes other stuff gets out of whack, and we hash it out, but it always comes back to the knowledge that our son will not be this young, or need this level of attention,forever. I guess the role of motherhood is my master status at this point in time. Motherhood certainly shapes my life, but it does not exclusively define my it.

Karrie
The Welblog ( http://welborn.blogspot.com )

...obviously, being on my third marriage and all.

Adults have choices and power. Kids, in the grand scheme, have next to nothing. It's my job as mom/parent to ensure that my kiddo's needs are met first.

This is actually part of my hubs and my marriage vows. Our union is stronger because he knows what to expect. And he admires my sense of priorities, given his previous wives regarded themselves as top priorities.

His ex-wives...that's another story.

Grace Davis
State of Grace ( http://gracedavis.typepad.com/ )
BlogHer Contributing Editor
Member, Blogher 06 Advisory Board