The Hangover

It was a typical Friday night. I was already in my pajamas before seven. I may or may not have been in my pajamas all day ....more

Keep your mouth shut

Hello. I have foot in mouth disease: I say the wrong things at the wrongs times ALL THE FUCKING TIME....more

Back to the Dark Ages

Our stupid dishwasher broke three days ago and I've been washing dishes like it's the beginning of the 20th century....more


Me: I love this song. Carl: Van Halen's Hot for Teacher? Me: Yeah ....more

I'd take credit for legible signs if I could

I was at a restaurant this weekend and walked into the bathroom. The men's bathroom. Honestly, the sign looked like a woman ....more

I'm cutting you off

Carl: Here you go. Me: What's this? Carl: A vodka and cranberry ....more

Transform and roll out

I've been putting off taking the 9-year-old to see Transformers: Age of Extinction everyday since it came out. The excuses ran rampant: it's raining outside, I'm too hungry to take you, I'm still in... [[ This is a content summary only ....more

This is how you don't get to second base

One of the first dates I ever had in college or ever was with a a guy named Dave. I was a freshman and he was junior or maybe he was a senior. Anyway, he could buy beer, but maybe he had a fake ID,.. ....more

A haunting in Florida

Me: Come over here so we can watch The Twilight Zone marathon together. 11-year-old: [groans] Seriously? Why would you think I would want to watch a marathon of that Stephanie Meyer, Twilight,.. ....more

Id take credit for fireworks if I could

With summer in full-swing, my sense of time is all fucked-up. I can't tell Saturday from Tuesday. If it weren't for the kids nagging me about their hunger pangs, I'd probably never know it was time.. ....more