Gay and Married Guys: NYTimes takes a look

Okay so I know this was posted 2 years ago but i just came upon it so i thought i would leave a comment. Im only 20 but i seriously understand what youve had to go through with your husband. My best guy friend and I have known each other since we were in junior high. Being the typical girl who wants to date the best friend, i had a crush on him since we were freshman in high school. It wasnt until after we graduated that i tried to pursue the relationship as more than just friends. So we finally started dating in the fall of 2007. The relationship was long distance since he stayed in our hometown and worked while i moved one hour away to go to college. I really wanted it to work out so i would come home on the weekends and hang out with him. I always felt like i was the one who wanted to see him instead of him wanted to see me as much. So fast forward to the fall of 2008, i thought the relationship was going really good and he was making plans to move up to where i was going to school. But i guess i was wrong, really wrong. He sent me a letter the day after our one year anniversary telling me he thought we should break up. I was heartbroken, i just starting to get to the point where i could see myself marrying my best friend. I knew everything about him and he knew everything about me. We grew up together. When i talked to him that weekend, he told me he was gay. I was surprised but for some reason i knew that was the reason i felt there was something wrong in the relationship. Most people would move on, i know. And i know that i can find someone else, i mean, obviously hes gay. But hes been saying lately how he thinks he might not be gay and how he made a mistake and that he loves me. And i know some people marry gay people but for the most part they dont know until they later find out. Dont get me wrong, i love him, hes my bestfriend. I just dont know what to do, i was wondering if you had any advice.

The Times has written about this topic before (unfortunately, I can't find the post.)

Having lots of gay male friends over the years, I've learned that many of them want families and children. But, because there are prohibitions against gay marriage and in many states gay adoption, they can't go about having the homes and families they crave.

If they fall in love with *one* woman with whom they can have sex and have children, they will do almost anything to stay with that woman--until it gets to the point where they just can't manage it any more.

It's been easier for one friend of mine who was "bisexual"...who has been with the same woman for over 10 years, and they have managed to create a very stable and monogamous marriage--but it has not been without a ton of talking and exploration into realms that many might call "kinky."

I find Trill's story very moving--and the fact of the matter is that relationships are messy. The ideal heterosexual marriage where one goes into it fully disclosed to the other and the sex is fabulous the entire time is, in *most* cases, nothing more than a pipe-dream. A lot of that is that men are seriously complex critters who don't want us to know that they are so bloody complex! Men have social pressures that are different from the social pressures that effect women, but are pressures that cause them to make choices that sometimes go completley against their natures.

As for open marriages--or open relationships in general--I'm sure people are super-reluctant to talk about them because of the judgements of others. I get a boatload of weird looks and people literally pulling away from me when I mention I have a boyfriend *and* a lover (and possibly another, much younger one in the wings). People feel threatened, don't understand it, and are too embarassed to ask how it works. When they ask, and I explain it to them, they are surprised how much reason,caring and honest self-knowledge--above hormonal urges--goes into the whole thing.

We can't always be on the same page with our loved ones when it comes to sex and sexuality. And we can't use the idea of open relationship as an excuse to go out and find someone new while holding on to the old relationship--which often happens. My decision to stay with my boyfriend--and my boyfriend's to stay with me--has been very similar to Trill's. We have found the other person who is a wonderful confidante, who is supportive, and who is on the same page when it comes to finances. We often put the welfare of the other above our own, and there is a tenderness and caring that neither of us has had before. So what if we're not on the same page with sex?

The emphasis on monogamous relationships has an important social component...people need to try it (I think) and need to let their hormones slow down a bit before they jump into open relationships. It's amazing how slower hormones doesn't necessarily mean a decreased sex drive, but it does mean an expanded ability to understand that sex isn't everything and that love has many different facets.

Tish Grier
Editor, Corante Media Hub ( http://media.corante.com )
Blogging at: The Constant Observer ( http://spap-oop.blogspot.com ) and
Love&Hope&Sex&Dreams ( http://loverhopesexdreams.blogspot.com )

Liz

I would be interested to know just how many couples are in some form of an open marriage, here in the United States and even abroad. Perhaps if the numbers were known, the media would have to acknowlege it.

I wonder also, of the couples mentioned in the article, was the marriage only open to the man because the women chose not to open her side? I find this to be the case in several of the couples I know. But what really irks me, is when the woman is EXPECTED to remain monogomas and yet the man is given the option for sex outside the marriage. Or when the woman is not told that her husband is having sex with other men. I feel strongly that each should be empowered with the same options. However, I do respect the choice to remain in an open marriage even if the option is closed for one spouse.

hugs
trill

Hi Trill,

I respect what you're saying here, and thank you for sharing your experiences. My problem with the NY Times article is that it said nothing about open marriages and was clearly talking about marriages where the woman isn't seeing anyone else.

You know, it's interesting... considering how prevalent I find open marriage here on the West Coast, it often seems forced how the media ignores it and won't acknowledge it. The option wasn't even discussed in that article, if I remember correctly.

Liz Rizzo ( http://www.blogher.com/blog/liz-rizzo )

Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ )

SexySmart Blog ( http://sexysmart.typepad.com/ )

This is in response to Susan's blog about the NY Times article. I viewed it as very one sided, and I can see how readers would get the impression that women who choose to stay in a marriage to a gay/bi man who sees other men, must be a doormat. I just wanted to add my 2cents to that:

When I met, and fell head over heels in love with my husband, I had no idea he was gay. In fact, to myself as well as my friends and family, we looked like an average married hetrosexual couple. I had NO indications to make me think otherwise. Sex was good... intimacy was good..

But about 17 years into the marriage I made some discoveries that rocked my world. Basicly he had been cheating on me with men off and on throughout our entire relationship!

We started making plans to divorce, and told our two sons the reasons. He came out to his family and I outed him to mine. It was a horrible time for me, as I was about to lose the love of my life, father of my son, and my best friend all in one swoop.

On the day we were to list the house on the market to sell, I called him and asked him "Is this what you REALLY want to do?" His reply: "No! I just want you to be happy."

So we changed our plans, sought out thearipists, and he went back into the closet. His love for me was clear. His commitment to our marriage was also clear. His sexual orientation was muddied. At that time he was very homophobic, and his self image just did not allow for him being gay. He must be biseuxal, right? After all he enjoyed making love to his wife.

I struggled with the issues we faced. I truely love him. I just did not want to leave him even though I knew I could. My friends were all telling me that I deserved better in life. But in looking at the relationship and our history together prior to my outing him, I felt that I did already have the best man for the position of husband~lover~best friend.

For a while there I felt like I was going NUTS! I just could'nt rebuild the trust in him knowing what I now knew about him.. that he is gay, and his need for sex with men was not going to go away. That is when I decided to try something outside the box. I proposed the open marriage concept.

I would never have gone for a one sided open marriage, this had to be open to both of us with some guidelines. And if this did not work out then we could either divorce knowing we had tried everything, or we could try something else.

Now before you say YUK, please remember this is not some guy I just met yesterday, I had dated this guy and loved him for 19 years at this point, we had a child together, a home and a history. I had tried to kill the love during that first year after discovery. But it is locked in my heart~imprinted on my soul. It is here to stay, so if I left him, I would still be pining away for him.

One part of me thought that maybe I would meet a nice hetrosexual man during my dating activities, fall in love and be able to part ways as friends. Let him go off and live his life as an openly gay man. He was no longer hiding his sexuality from his family or close friends. He was not using me as his beard, or hiding behind our marriage.

Yet our marriage was and is not longer the traditional one "I signed up for" (now) 24 years ago. And I have, since, actually met a man that I fell in love with. But it is different... as all love is, than what I have with my husband. I have found that I am capable of loving more than one man.

I have since met many others in mixed orientation relationships. The relationship styles/types are as varied as the people in them.

I also found many resources for others who face the same situation that I faced, on the internet.
Check out the straight spouse network... there are actually millions of straight spouses. Not all have the same resolve as my own relationship with a gay man, many many marriages end with discovery, either by the gay/bi/lesbian spouse leaving or by the straight spouse ending the relationship. Once the painful part of discovery has been dealt with, many remain friends with the non straight one. There is no one solution that is going to fit all the individuals involved in a mixed orientation relationship, and that is what is important to keep in mind.

Hugs from Ohio
Trill

~Denise
Daily Dose of Denise ( http://flamingohouse.blogs.com ) and Fast Times @ Homeschool High ( http://fasttimes.clubmom.com )

What interests me is that this study was on men only. I'd venture a guess that the number of married or once married lesbians (and bisexual women) rivals the numbers of men cited here.

My husband I were together for 7 years before I told him I was bi-sexual. I had never admitted it to myself, let alone to anyone else. It wasn't that I lied, or that I decided to go for women - it was that I finally reached a point in life that I was comfortable (and strong) enough to accept it about myself.

It's unfortunate (for the unsuspecting spouses AND for the party in question) that this situation is as common as it is, but I truly believe that as society becomes more accepting of homosexuality it will happen less frequently because people will not feel the need to deny who and what they are.

OMG, Susan, this article was so disturbing!!! I've been creeped out since I read it. Expecting a woman to stay in a marriage while you're having a homosexual relationship on the side!!! And the article clearly presents the math to indicate that the woman doesn't have her own side relationship. She's just supposed to be fulfilled by... by... what, exactly?

I can feel for those who are confused or lying to themselves or still struggling to figure things out - horrible though the situation is. But to know and acknowledge that you are a homosexual in a heterosexual marriage and then to expect or even think for one second that a woman should stay with you??? Disgusting.

Liz Rizzo ( http://www.blogher.com/blog/liz-rizzo )

Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ )

SexySmart Blog ( http://sexysmart.typepad.com/ )