Nine years ago, when I was 26 and engaged and afraid and unsure and scared, I sent an e-mail to a total stranger and asked for advice.  She was a pagan, and she had a website about animal totems.  I sent my query feeling stupid and embarrassed and worried about what she would reply and if she would reply, but I was so sick of talking to the same people about the same things and going over and over everything I was thinking and feeling again and again to no resolution, that in my desperation, I reached out.

I don't remember what she said, and I don't have her reply anymore, but I remember it was comforting and sympathetic and intelligent and strong.  Oh, we got so much less e-mail back in the day.

Since my blogging on the topic of sex & relationships has become more frequent and more widespread in the blogosphere, I have started to receive letters asking for relationship advice, insight, further sharing of my own situations, actions, etc.  And as a blogger, and indeed just as part of being who I am and always have been, I am an extremely open person, willing to share my own personal experiences and insights if someone else might find them useful or gain solace or inspiration or find a new perspective or even a similiar way of being.

But I am wary of giving specific advice via e-mail.  I also, honestly, don't have the time to reply to such e-mails right now with the care I would choose to take.

I prefer instead to relate my own experiences and observations about myself and my life through blogging, and would ask that you take what speaks to you and disregard the rest.  I respect what you know as your truth, and I am always open to hear that as well.

In fact, I would say that finding your own truth and your own voice and learning to hear it and respect it is the single most important thing when it comes to deciding about break ups.  I took months to anguish about my engagement, but the absolute truth was that the truth was there long before I accepted it.

In fact, if you are so anguished, so unsure, so unhappy... then I would tend to think that not only should you take a serious look at your current relationship, but you should also consider taking a look at yourself - who you are, where you are, who you want to be, and where you want to be.

I'm going to be dead honest here.  I love being in a relationship.  I prefer it over being single, and I do hope to be married someday.  But not only is single better than a bad relationship, but single is a gift, and it's the gift of yourself.  Those nights you cry alone, and then wake up the next morning having survived, they give you strength.  They lead to days of blissful freedom and happy self-expression and knowledge and strength you would never find if you didn't allow yourself to experience the gift of singleness.  I am a better person today, and a much wiser person, for having been there and having been there for quite a while.

It has also been my own personal observation and practice to not accept behavior that no one would ever have to expect from me.  We each make our own decisions about what is important to us and what isn't, and surely there are times to compromise, but for example, and from a letter I received, I would ask myself:  Would my boyfriend ever be in the place of asking me why I was exchanging love letters with someone in another country?  No, he wouldn't.  You don't have to live with behavior that you yourself would not engage in. 

Giant internet porn addiction not your thing?  You don't have to be with that person.

Further, if you have been cheated on and are in the position of being vulnerable, there are people who will prey on your insecurity about being perceived as obsessed or damaged, etc.  The truth is, if you feel uncomfortable asking a reasonable question, or if your partner makes you feel bad about asking a simple question, this is a GIANT RED FLAG.  If every relationship discussion somehow turns around to you and your "issues," this is a GIANT RED FLAG.  If you find yourself drawn to behavior that you yourself don't approve of or aren't comfortable with, this is a GIANT RED FLAG.

The right person makes you feel comfortable, safe, happy, respected, and cherished.  Another trick is, would I allow a friend to treat me this way, or would I allow a friend to act this way towards me?  Your significant other should treat you better than your friends.  Period.  If he (or she) isn't, then get yourself single and learn to treat yourself the way you damn well deserve to be treated.

Now, of course, in many situations, the first thing you likely want to do is address issues with your significant other and see if there can be resolution.  But if that is clearly futile, it is OK to simply walk away, no matter how much it hurts your heart, because of strong things that your mind and your gut are screaming at you.  Listen.  You have a voice inside trying to tell you the answers you seek.

Something else that got me through was this thought:  It doesn't have to be this hard.  Sure, relationships are difficult.  Marriage can be a challenge, sometimes a big one, sometimes over significant amounts of time.  But if you are scared and fearful and uncomfortable and subjected to things that you would never subject someone else to, if it is your truth, you can simply walk away.

Why?  Because it's not only OK to be single, it's a good thing.  Don't stay on the defensive, letting yourself be jerked around and all your buttons pushed.  Be on offense for yourself and your needs.  Stand up strong for yourself.  Bonus score: that's more attractive anyway.

One reader asked me recently, how did I call off my wedding.  The truth is, I tried to talk to him, reason with him, talk to myself, reason with myself, figure out what I was doing, figure out what we were doing - oh, the angst went on and on and on, until one day I had a panic attack, I left work, I went to my beach, and I sat in the sand, and I allowed myself to know what I already knew.  When he came home, I was sitting in the living room, and I said, "I don't want to get married, and I want to break up."

There was aftermath and more tearing apart, but basically, you can just walk away.  If there's practical reasons why not, fix them.  But how do you break up with someone?  You say, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to be with you anymore."  And you walk.

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess and the SexySmart Blog.