"""both internal – between the two partners – and external – within the community of family and friends that surround the couple""" I don't think many couples think about that when they're getting together. The world revolves around the two of you. But, obviously, it's not like that... you have coworkers, family, friends, neighbors whose lives intermingle and create your social network. Hmm. Interesting thoughts to ponder, thanks for the great post!

Melanie Perry
***not all who wander are lost***
http://mistressofthedorkness.blogspot.com

I completely agree that it's a good idea to leave a new relationship in the very beginning if there's something that doesn't seem quite right. It's so much easier than waiting until months (or even YEARS) down the road.

This reminded me of a post I did a few days ago about a recent date. I was glad that this information came out sooner rather than later! :)

Keep Up With Me

I always get something valuable from your posts, Liz. I started dating my last serious boyfriend soon after relationships had just ended for both of us. We didn't like those circumstances...were worried upfront about the "rebound" aspects, but just really liked each other and didn't see the point of waiting. I had moved 500 miles away from my ex, but his worked up the street, for the same company that we did.

The first time we ran into her, we'd only been dating for a month, maybe. He was holding my hand and he dropped it. He hadn't seen her since their final breakup, and it was a bad scene. This was hurtful to me, but after watching them interact, I could almost understand. The communication between them was so unhealthy. The thing that worked well for us was that we could talk just about anything through. I honestly believe he was afraid of her reactions, as I witnessed a few of her rages. It's hard for me to even write that, because I don't believe in assigning blame and it's not like I was unbiased, but in this case it's just an honest observation. I truly did see his part in it, as well, especially after WE had issues down the road.

She kept "needing supplies" from our store. I witnessed one screaming fight - her screaming at him, him listening - in the back room. He told me she was still "emotional" (there had been threats of self-harm throughout their time together) and and he wanted to see if he could keep the "friendship" because she was lonely. I told him that I would never forbid him to see anyone, because we were grown people who needed to make our own decisions. Still, he needed to know that this was having an impact on our new relationship, and he needed to decide which was more important to him - developing a stronger connection with me, or ruining it by keeping the one with his old girlfriend. I saw what was happening and I didn't like it, and I told him so. He soon cut off contact with her, because he did want to see how things went with us, and he came to see my side (the previous guy had been unfaithful to me with a "close friend" and trust is a huge deal for me, as it should be, I know.)

I still never forgot him dropping my hand, even though I understood...but the important thing to me was that he didn't continue to insist that I stay quiet. We ran into her one other time and he kept his arm around me, and that was good. We never would have lasted as long as we did - and nor would we have the friendship we still maintain - if he had made different choices, and if I hadn't had the courage to tell him what my limits were. It was a risk I'm glad I took - I needed to learn that I could stand up for myself in those situations. It was a challenge for me then, and still is sometimes, but it's really important.

As someone who's trying to remain friends with her ex, there's part of me which understands why he might want to keep it quiet. It's awkward the first time either of us meets the other's new partner, and there have been moments when I've thought I'd be better toning things down for his sake. But I know that when he tried to protect me from hurt feelings, it ended up being a lot more painful than it should have been - the short, sharp shock approach might have given me a brief bruised ego, but by mollycoddling me he just made me feel hurt, offended, and defensive. Did he really think I was that pathetic etc etc. There's no point hiding what you're doing from someone who's supposed to be a friend, and it's you he needed to try and impress, not her.

Misty Smith

Blah, Blah, Balh. Let's get real. If a man places such value on his ex, you need to wake up and smell the coffee and run- don't look back, just run. It's an indicator as to where you will land on his list of priorities. Today it's his ex's feelings tomorrow it will be someone else. Break-up's are hard, there is no disputing that fact. How you handle it is an indicator of future relationships. Men who have the need to be quiet about things indicates that there continues to be unresolved personal issues. Until he is capable of working through those issues, he will continue to go from one relationship to another. Women have to stop thinking that they are going to be the ones to change them - because they won't be. Instead, you'll invest time and effort into a relationship that will eventually go nowhere. Then you'll be sitting at home crying and beating your self-esteem into an all time low. If a man has to hide or be quiet about your relationsship you need to be honest with yourself and walk away. There are alot of fish in the sea. Why waste your time on someone that devalues you from the get-go?

Blah, Blah, Balh. Let's get real. If a man places such value on his ex, you need to wake up and smell the coffee and run- don't look back, just run. It's an indicator as to where you will land on his list of priorities. Today it's his ex's feelings tomorrow it will be someone else. Break-up's are hard, there is no disputing that fact. How you handle it is an indicator of future relationships. Men who have the need to be quiet about things indicates that there continues to be unresolved personal issues. Until he is capable of working through those issues, he will continue to go from one relationship to another. Women have to stop thinking that they are going to be the ones to change them - because they won't be. Instead, you'll invest time and effort into a relationship that will eventually go nowhere. Then you'll be sitting at home crying and beating your self-esteem into an all time low. If a man has to hide or be quiet about your relationsship you need to be honest with yourself and walk away. There are alot of fish in the sea. Why waste your time on someone that devalues you from the get-go?

Have to agree with the above post. If I was with a guy who thought more about hurting his ex's feelings than about mine, he'd be history.Why make excuses for him? If we are together my feelings come first, otherwise my advice to him is he'd best be getting back with his "ex".