My thoughts on adoption and race
by Karen Walrond

A couple of days ago, a commenter on my personal site asked what I thought of this article. It is written by a Lisa Lerner, a Jewish-American woman who adopted transracially from India, and who, as it turns out, ended up having trouble handling the fact that her daughter was dark: "even Blacks and Indians in Vaishali's and my social circle are lighter than she," she says. She concludes, "We need darker friends."

Ignoring for a moment the ridiculousness of this last statement (what's she going to do, start making friends on the basis of skin colour? "Hi, I'm Lisa. My daughter's dark -- like you, actually. I was wondering: will you be our friend?"), the general content of her article, as you can imagine, unleashed a flood of comments. Some people praised her for her courage in admitting something that was clearly difficult to admit, others blatantly called her a racist, and still others wondered why the hell she would adopt internationally when "there were plenty of children needing a home in America." I'll admit upfront that I read very few of these responses, because frankly, they didn't jibe with my initial reaction. My first thought was, "this doesn't surprise me in the least."

See, I have a theory: as superficial as it sounds, I think all prospective parents have an idea of what they hope their child will look like. "I hope the baby has my wife's eyes," a man might think. "God help me if she has my mother-in-law's nose," an expectant mother may shudder. It's human nature to imagine what your family is going to look like -- and therefore no different for adoptive parents. For this reason, I think to state that "race shouldn't matter" when adopting is naive -- race does matter. When we were considering adoption, my husband Marcus and I specifically wanted a multiracial child, because we're an interracial couple (although what races made up the "multiracial" were much less of an issue). Even when a couple chooses to adopt transracially, if they're smart, they will have considered whether or not they can handle all of the issues that can arise when their kids don't look like their parents do, and therefore the adoption is obvious on its face. Race matters, make no mistake.

The question, therefore, is not whether the baby looks like you expected her to, but whether you can handle it if she doesn't. And this, my friends, takes some serious soul-searching -- a flippant "of course I can, I'm not racist, I have friends of all colours" is not enough. It requires honestly looking at biases that you may have based on others' skin colour, or culture, or nationality, and really being frank with yourself as to where any discomfort you feel comes from. It requires, if you choose to adopt transracially or transculturally, exploring, on a deep level, why you feel drawn to one race (or culture or nationality) or another. And frankly, it behooves you to do this WAY AHEAD OF TIME -- when your child comes home to you is probably a bit late.

As you can imagine, for some this can be a very uncomfortable exercise, since it may involve uncovering some less-than-attractive traits. The good news, however, is you don't have to tell anyone. For once, it's really no one's business why you choose to adopt internationally, or transculturally or transracially -- or hell, why you don't -- and if anyone asks, you can just smile and say something vague like, "it's just what feels right." (That said, if you do uncover some biases based on stereotypes, for your own good, you probably want to work on that -- but that's a conversation for another time).

I guess my thoughts on this were cemented some time back: a few years ago, Marcus and I heard of a situation similar to Lerner's. In this case, a couple returned their infant baby to the placing adoption agency during the six-month period pending finalization of adoption, because their African-American child was "too dark." What made this story particularly startling was that the couple were themselves African-American. I remember first thinking how preposterous I thought their position was, but you know what? Ultimately, they did the right thing: if they weren't equipped to raise the baby to be proud of who s/he was, then thank God they gave another couple the chance to do so. As for Lerner, well -- I guess wish her the best. It's too bad she didn't confront her preconceptions before little Vaishali came home, but whatever. Here's hoping she works through them now -- for both their sakes.

__________
Contributing Editor Karen Walrond also blogs as Chookooloonks (where this post was originally published), and at her green shopping blog, Emerald Market.

Submitted by Karen Walrond (view blog) on Fri, 08/25/2006 - 10:59

Comments

 

Interesting

The family I chose for my daughter was all ready multiracial. The Dad's previous marriage brought him three beautifully colored boys of filipinio descent. (Dad has custody.)

It's something to consider when placing a child as well: can this family adequately handle the difficulties that come with a multiracial child (i.e.; people are asshats)? After thorough questioning on how they handled issues that arose with their boys nationalities, I concluded that yes, they could.

Family Living; Hatfield Style
Jenna

Submitted by JennaHatfield on Fri, 08/25/2006 - 11:36
 

Wonderful post, Karen

I read that article by Lisa Lerner, and I'm glad she's been so honest about it.

I agree with your premise that people have an image in their mind about what their kid will look like. My own experience was really close to that. I think I've got a post coming!

Priya Ramachandran
Blogher Contributing Editor - South East Asia
Words on Water

Submitted by DesiGal on Fri, 08/25/2006 - 12:58
 

There's the rub...

if they weren't equipped to raise the baby to be proud of who s/he was, then thank God they gave another couple the chance to do so

This is not neutral or benign. It does not appear that there are an equal number of folks just yearning for a darker babe as there are yearning for a lighter one. If so, there'd be no harm done in this attitude.

Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast

Submitted by Yvette Perry on Fri, 08/25/2006 - 17:03
 

Ugh

It's funny how even though my parents and myself endured the stares and ridiculous questions from people, how I am still amazed at how incredibly ignorant people can be. I feel sorry for Lerner's daughter. How is Lerner going to explain to her daughter during her school years about race and racism when she harbours her (admitted) feelings of uncomfortableness about the hue of her skin? Is she going to play "We Are the World" and hope that her daughter will not face racism in the outside world? And why is she looking for acceptance from the black community when her child is Indian? Because her child has the same shade as a black person? I'm sorry, the woman is messed up.

Submitted by lainad on Fri, 08/25/2006 - 17:22
 

I agree with the above

I agree with the above comment..that's messed up. I wonder sometimes, especially with adoptive parents, if the pressure is too much. They have all their hopes for family life riding on a child. And, any child is going to fail to meet the expectations of an overly self-conscious parent, adoptive or not. Biological parents are subject to the same disappointments when they want their children to be a certain way or fulfill a certain role.

A close friend of mine tried for years to become pregnant and then waited several more years to adopt. They got a beatiful toddler boy. She was so happy. However, he turned out to be a handful. He was not horrible, but VERY challenging. She felt guilty on those rough days when she was unhappy with him. She had wanted a family for so long, that when she got it, there were a lot of rosy expectations that had to be removed. Parenting is not always blissful. People who have unfair expectations about family life and how perfect children will be, have to learn quickly to throw out their selfish notions, whatever they may be, and accept the gift of the unique person God has brought into their lives.

Terri
Earthen Vessel Designs
Earthen Vessel Designs Blog

Submitted by Terri987 on Fri, 08/25/2006 - 19:58
 

The African American who wanted a "lighter
child"

It's really ashame that this couple felt this way about their adoptive child. They themselves have become a victim of the way people of color are treated about the color of their skin-a God given attribute. Perhaps this couple is so light they believe they are of another race entirely or close enough in color to make others think they are not black. Foolish, perhaps but at one time in our society, lighter blacks were almost guarantee success of all levels by "crossing over." Their fairer skin permitted them access to places where darker people of color could not be allowed. I feel sad for the couple to deny a child who had no choice in his birth appearance, but even more sadder for the baby: to be placed back on the shelf like some sort of damaged goods. Instead of America being a melting pot, I suggest we place a sign at our immigrant reception facilities "Just like your laundry, colors don't mix!
And thoughts above are from an AMERICAN of African heritage.

Submitted by 40something on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 11:05
 

The African American couple who wanted a
"lighter child"

It's really ashame that this couple felt this way about their adoptive child. They themselves have become a victim of the way people of color are treated about the color of their skin-a God given attribute. Perhaps this couple is so light they believe they are of another race entirely or close enough in color to make others think they are not black. Foolish, perhaps but at one time in our society, lighter blacks were almost guarantee success of all levels by "crossing over." Their fairer skin permitted them access to places where darker people of color could not be allowed. I feel sad for the couple to deny a child who had no choice in his birth appearance, but even more sadder for the baby: to be placed back on the shelf like some sort of damaged goods. Instead of America being a melting pot, I suggest we place a sign at our immigrant reception facilities "Just like your laundry, colors don't mix!
And thoughts above are from an AMERICAN of African heritage.

Submitted by 40something on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 11:06