Don't Keep Secrets from Your Child's Teacher

I hope the powers-that-be will allow me to go completely off topic for this one time, because as school is starting for the year, my mind is much more on being a teacher right now than it is on being a food blogger. Since so many women read the Blogher site, it seems like the perfect forum for my thoughts on parent teacher-communication.

Every family has secrets, things you don't necessarily want other people to know. When your child has a new teacher, as a parent you may be unsure of how many of those secrets you should share with the teacher. As a teacher with 27 years of experience, here's my advice: Tell the teacher absolutely everything about your family that will help her or him understand your child and be able to communicate better with that child. Even if the secrets are embarassing, past history, or subjects you'd like to forget, tell the teacher. This is especially important in the elementary school setting, where kids have the same teacher for most of the day.

Every year at back-to-school night I give parents a form to fill out that asks three questions:

1. What are the strengths of your child?
2. What things in school are most challenging for your child?
3. Is there anything about your family that it would be helpful for me to know in dealing with your child?

Truthfully, the first two questions are things I could figure out myself with time. The information I really need is in the third question. Possibly it's because I've been at the same school for a long time where I'm a much beloved teacher, and I've earned the trust of parents, but people do tell me some incredible things.

Already this year I've had parents tell me how death, divorce, or abuse has affected their child. I have one student who is currently being raised by a grandmother because his mother is in treatment for drug abuse. I have a girl in my class who is terrified of getting in trouble and will become upset if the whole child is punished for something. Three parents shared that their child feels "dumb" even though these kids are average students or better. These are only the ones that come quickly to mind.

Possibly the hardest secret a parent ever had to tell me was when a mother told me that her "daughter" was actually the offspring of a woman her husband had an affair with, and when that woman turned out to be an unfit parent, this mother agreed to adopt the child. Imagine how knowing that helped me to understand the family dynamics this child was dealing with. I was honored that the parent trusted me with such a secret.

Having the power to shape the life of a child is the most rewarding thing about being a teacher. I've already been empowered this year by the secrets parents have entrusted me with. If I know that a child feels "dumb" I can easily remark "You're so smart" when they answer correctly. If I know a student is afraid of getting in trouble, when I need to discipline the class it's easy for me to look directly at her and say "Now I know that some of you are not the ones who are doing this." And knowing that a student has suffered death, abuse, or a divorce in the family allows me to factor that information into every interaction I have with that child.

There's so much to be gained by being open and honest with your child's teacher. You're trusting them with the well-being of your children, so trust them a little bit more and share information about your family dynamics that will help them understand that child a little better.

Contributing editor Kalyn Denny cooks and blogs about it in Kalyn's Kitchen when she isn't trying to impart valuable knowledge to 29 fourth graders in Bountiful, Utah.

Submitted by Kalyn Denny (view blog

) on Sat, 08/26/2006 - 09:05

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That goes for extra-curriculars, too!

We homeschool, so the majority of my daughters' teachers are pretty well known. :) But we do classes at the Audubon, YMCA, etc.

My kids all have food allergies/sensitivities. So I tell the teachers that right off the bat - you never know when another kid will decide to bring in cookies or something just for the heck of it.

But my 8yo also has some learning/neurological differences. And while often she can pass for "normal", it's important for the teachers to know some of her quirks, because then they can know what to expect and how to help her.

Thanks for the reminder - we have some new activities and teachers this fall!

Rachel
A Gaggle of Girls
Rachel's Recipe Box

Submitted by mia3mom on Sat, 08/26/2006 - 07:26

Being Open About Having Two Moms/Dads

For same-sex parents, I think one of the items that will help teachers "understand your child and be able to communicate better with that child" is to be open about one's family structure. This can be difficult, but is vital to enabling the teacher to create a welcoming, safe environment. I recently posted a list of resources to help same-sex parents communicate with teachers and administrators, and to help teachers themselves be better prepared for supporting all kinds of families. Hope this is useful for some of you.

Mombian: Sustenance for Lesbian Moms
http://www.mombian.com

Submitted by drudolph on Sat, 08/26/2006 - 12:10

Good examples

Yes, both of these are good examples of things that the teacher absolutely needs to know.

Kalyn Denny
Kalyn's Kitchen

Submitted by Kalyn Denny on Sun, 08/27/2006 - 11:09

I wish I agreed completely with you

But I don't.

Especially in the early years, disclosing Sticks' ADHD was tantamount to dooming him to the "troublemaker" pile. Despite his eagerness to learn, his cheerfulness and working hard to please, as soon as we disclosed the ADHD, attitudes changed (with one exception). This was true for us all the way through middle school. Our high schools belong to a different school district than the elementary and middle schools, and evidently had different attitudes. We disclosed what we had to on the medical forms but didn't tell any teachers.

Within a year he had been recommended for participation in the Honors Math, Science and Language Arts classes where he has done quite well. None of his teachers know that he's medicated or that he has an official ADHD diagnosis and it's made a huge difference.

I wish there weren't a stigma associated with it (at least here, maybe not everywhere), but there is.

DrumsNWhistles (odd time signatures)

Submitted by Karoli on Sun, 08/27/2006 - 23:08

Sorry to Hear About Your Experience

Wow. I guess I am shocked to hear that you feel a teacher discriminated against your child because of a medical diagnosis. I can't imagine doing that and I'm sorry to hear it was your experience.

I will admit I've been very frustrated with parents who refused to admit that their child had ADHD and who just wanted to ignore it. The rise in this condition is something that has really puzzled me during my career. There seem to be so many more children who have it now than there were when I first started teaching. Along with that has come an incredible amount of misinformation about it in the mainstream media. I've seen some absolute miracles with medication used correctly, which is why it's so frustrating when parents refuse to consider it.

Kalyn Denny
Kalyn's Kitchen

Submitted by Kalyn Denny on Mon, 08/28/2006 - 04:38

ADHD

There are for sure parents who are in denial about a kid's ADHD, making it hard for educators. Some of my patients have told me that the school insisted upon an evaluation. Maybe that's an option for your administration.

Medication isn't always necessary (but boy, it's tempting). How can you tell a true ADHD kid? You'll find him swinging from the chandeliers.

The best is a team approach, finding a therapist who will spend time listening to the teacher's concerns, and hammering out an ecologically sound treatment plan with the family.

Thanks for flexing your professional muscles on this topic. I agree, as a default strategy if there are family problems, parents should TELL THE TEACHER AS MUCH AS THEY CAN, and throw a family therapist into the mix.

Everyone Needs Therapy? Lessons from a Family Therapist

Submitted by Therapy Doc on Thu, 08/31/2006 - 21:07

Spilling the Beans

As with most things, look before you leap.

Letting teachers know about a child's issues, quirks, and tendencies is great if the teacher is evolved. An experienced teacher with a head on her shoulders will take the information and use it for the good of the child and the good of the class.

A new or unaware teacher, we are human, will take the information and panic.

Disclaimer not all new teachers are without scruples. However, they may not have the experience to make a difference.

So buyer beware. Not all teachers are made equal.

http://pleasetrythisathome.blogspot.com

Submitted by Magda Santos on Tue, 06/26/2007 - 14:11