Not chosing monogamy: Why exclusivity doesn't matter

Okay, I started to write my reply because I enjoyed reading everyone's comments and then realized my reply was turning into a blog...http://alifelonglove.blogspot.com

Rhonda E. Frost

Author

"Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? How to Think Like a Lady and Still Get the Man"

I enjoyed reading your post. It was fresh and honest and gave us a different peak at this subject. I agree with the not rushing to exclusivity situation. It is better to make sure and explore all options than to settle in and cheat or be unhappy. Good for you!

i really appreciate this post, it is very relevant to my life right now, as i realize that monogamy is not something i believe is the right choice for me. i too feel that if i love one person, i should not be forced to ignore the potential meaningful relationships that i may be able to have with people i have yet to meet later in my life. as a married woman, this realization obviously is coming at a high price. regardless, i think this is a great post, it's nice to hear that others have come to the same resolution i have.

I liked this post. It made me feel a little less alone. I live in a small town and have struggled all through my teenage years. Many of my thoughts and behaviours have been labelled by friends and family as immoral, and wrong. I am soon relocating to a metropolis. 

I am currently in a long distance monogamous relationship with a man whom I think is wonderful. I am completely in love with him and want to be with him for the rest of my life. Up to here, everything is ok. 

The truth is I am terribly unhappy. He is my closest friend, and we share a wonderful relationship both inside and outside the bedroom.

So why am I unhappy? I am not a monogamous person, and being in a monogamous relationship makes me suffer. 

Not only that but when I talk about my troubles with other people I get depressed because they look at me as if I was a freak. I get labelled everyday as a slut and a greedy selfish person, who just can't enjoy what she has. 

The problem is, I think of it this way: I love chocolate cake. It is my favourite cake in the world. I can eat it everyday and never get bored with it. Of course, besides chocolate cake, I like other cakes: strawberry tarts, cheesecake, sponge cakes, puddings etc. Obviously I want to eat and enjoy these cakes as well as keeping my love for the chocolate cake strongest. 

People just shake their head at me and tell me I am sick and I need to see someone, but I just can't help feeling this way. I want a family, I want love, yet I want men and women who are not my partner as well. So reading this was amazingly comforting; I felt close to someone who thought like I did. I just don't know what to do. I can't force someone to be polyamorous yet I wish my partner would open up to the idea... Any tips guys? How did you guys start your open relationships?

PS: We are still very young, my man and I, we're both 20, so maybe we need time to open up...

Regarding why it feels like TMI -- I may well not know the details of that person's relationship contract. (Nor do I need/wish to.) So as a monogamist, I do not always know what to say --what is on or off limits? I knew a man named C who was married to J and having multiple liaisons with others. At that time in my life I was in the middle of a frequently socializing community with lots of gatherings and events and occasions at which to mingle, so I would run into C quite often. He was also a business colleague. I also knew and liked his wife. I found out they were poly when he started appearing at gatherings with a variety of other women. Do I say "So C, how is J?" (Which I would say if he was alone and without her.) Am I supposed to make the spouse invisible if she is not there? C's other lovers were more like party favors. We never saw the same one twice over a period of two or three years. So they were not enduring love interests, or as you suggest "other SOs". But if they were, does one make friends with two couples, both of whom have the same male or female in common? Or is one expected to relate to the "primary couple" as the main couple?

This leads me to my second point -- Without asking, I was suddenly privy to the sexual intricacies of C and J. I am not asking anyone to hide anything they don't want to be private about. It just suddenly gave me a lot of information about them that I would not have sought out otherwise. For example, I do not ask if my married friends have other sexual relationships.

Just understand that your particular life choice may raise perfectly reasonable comfort issues for people not making that choice. I would never suggest that you hide who you honestly are.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs relentlessly at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

I've known since my teens that I could love more than one person at a time. I tried monogamy, and while I didn't have any problems staying within my marriage vows, it just wasn't a good fit for me. Polyamory is, and my life partner and I are heading into our tenth year together.

I don't find anything "less" in polyamory. We aren't less committed or connected to each other, regardless of whether or not we have other loves. Our sex life certainly doesn't suffer. The only resource that's absolutely limited is time, and we've been able to deal with that aspect quite well.

Do imbalances happen in non-monogamous relationships? Yes, of course--just like they do in monogamous relationships. The bumps in our road haven't had anything to do with other people, but about how the two of us relate to each other. It takes a lot of deliberate communication and absolute honesty to have an intimate relationship, period, and being polyamorous requires extra communication because of the extra people.

People who aren't poly usually focus on the sex. The problems I've seen and experienced in non-monogamous relationships have never been about the sex, but about honesty, communication, time, money, childcare, unplanned pregnancies, broken agreements--the same things that are difficult for everybody. Polyamorous relationships require that we honor our commitments, just like monogamous ones do. We just negotiate those commitments explicitly. Sam and I have hit fewer landmines than many other couples, because we deliberately took time to map out the territory of our lives ahead of time, and we regularly check those maps against reality to see if they need to be updated.

As for the question in the subject line--why is seeing these people with their other SOs TMI? Would it be more or less uncomfortable if they were present with their spouses and their other lovers, all together? Is open non-monogamy threatening in some way? Do you think they should keep their relationships hidden? Why? Do you feel the same way about queer people?

I know that I'd feel extremely uncomfortable if someone brought a lover to a social event, expecting that nobody present would mention it to his or her spouse--but that would be because of the duplicity, not because he or she was involved with more than one person.

We aren't closeted at all. Hiding is for secrets, things you're ashamed of. I'm no more ashamed of being polyamorous than I am of being bisexual. They're just facts about me, like my brown and silver hair or green eyes. If you wouldn't ask me to wear colored contacts, or dye my hair to cover the silver, why would you want me or others like me to hide the fact that we love more than one person?

Namaste,
Cyn

i came by way of Rachel Kramer Bussel's article on the Case for Open Relationships, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-kramer-bussel... ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-kramer-bussel... )

i wanted to thank you, Susan. i've been in an open marriage for several years: the key ingredients are trust, honesty, love, respect and communication. while this works well with my spouse, i find it difficult to create such an environment with others. i've had single men as lovers and they tend to see me as a kind of transitional girl for when they are in-between monogamous relationships; i've had married men who are cheating and there, i am definitely a "girl on the side," someone they sneak off to and squeeze in time for, rather than being a part of their lives. other times i am in relationships with men in so-called "don't ask, don't tell" relationships with their spouses. this is the same for me as them being in affairs.

for a really good book on open relationsihps, i recommend Wendy O Matik's Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships.

in the meantime, i continue to live my life in an open and loving manner. i have a wonderful husband and great friends, and the occasional lover. they aren't as much a part of my life as i'd like them to be, but at least i don't have to lie or hide my feelings from my husband, and he has good shoulders for my heartbreaks. he's had his own experiences, heartbreaks etc and i'm always here to offer love and comfort too.

I think we get waaay too hung up on the terminology of relationships and do not focus sufficiently on the substance. That means couples spend time setting up rules (if there's no sex involved, is it still unfaithful to love someone else? if I don't eat sushi with anyone else, am I still being emotionally monogamous with you?). But legalisms either restrict our choices or force us into bending the rules. The result is often heartache and betrayal.

Mata H's desire to be "special" to one person is understandable, but given the short amount of time it takes most couples to sink into sexual boredom or stagnation, the temptations of the flesh will be a real threat to them over a long time. With people living longer, healthier, and yes, sexual lives, the challenge to monogamy is real. It's the basis of my own blog, and why people are looking for answers.

Tom Paine
"Polyamorously Perverse"
http://www.polyamorouslyperverse.com/

I have been thinking about this topic since your post -- and, I might add, thinking about it as a child of the 60's who has been there, done enough of that ... and plenty of other stuff.

I would like to add that I think FOR ME there has come to be deep value in a couple taking on the vow of fidelity, seeing it through as a promise to grow together and to share what is most intimate only with each other. For me this has also been a spiritual practice, a pledge to not use the thrill of another new body as a 'steam valve' for my primary relationship. Because, for me, that is what it would be.

Maybe I am too old, or too tired, or too old fashioned, but as far as my life is concerned, I just do not have it in me to make love with someone and not have (at least eventually) an emotional connection with them -- one that would reduce what I had or made available to my "prime one". I guess it is one thing to have a main relationship and to have sport-sex outside of it -- again, something I can't really pull off...as long as the sporter and the sportee are in agreement, well OK then. But does that happen often ? Don't imbalances develop? Does it feel like a main course or a snack? How would you feel being the snack? Who are these folks who would rather be the less significant person? Or am I getting it bass ackwards? I honestly do not mean this as contentious -- I am just interested in looking from another angle.

Plus, I have found the social ramifications awkward -- I knew two couples who were married and not monogamous. It was odd seeing them at one gathering with their spouse, and at another with a non-spouse/lesser-lover. I confess I would have rather the lesser-lover was not so public -- it was a little TMI for my taste, and made conversation uncomfortable.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs relentlessly at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

Susan,

I commend you on your courage to share your thoughts on love and open relationships. There are many people, myself included, who do not judge others for their choices in love...kudos to you. Bringing these discussions out in the "open" and making the concept more mainstream (i.e. "The Girls Next Door") will hopefully bring positive energy to a different way of approaching sex, love and relationships.

Helene
The Modern Woman's Divorce Guide
http://themodernwomansdivorceguide.com/blog

AMEN, Mata. AMEN. I know plenty of people in "open" relationships who use them abusively, deceptively, aggressively and foolishly. Of course, the same is true of people in monogamous relationships. Or no relationships at all.

The simple truth is that , as a society, we need to reach the point where we can allow people to love how they want to love, how it feels right to them - whether its mono, poly, homo, bi, tied up in leather or gently with the lights off. We are all different, and have the right to love and be loved how we want.

The only common thread, i think, need to be honesty, compassion, generosity, real consent and unconditional love. All of that, however, can exist in just about any configuration imaginable.

The original post had some great links, but there is at least one other sex and relationship blog that does a great job of exploring the poly issue - there is a LOT of talk out there, and a LOT of questions. I think the Ask Your Mother ( http://askyourmother.wordpress.com/ ) blog is a great Q & A advice blog. Some of it is seriously racy, but a lot of it just deals with relationships.....

There's nothing "vanilla" about monogamy. Love is hard, messy and very flavorful, no matter how you do it!
___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE
make some good news!
www.JustCauseIt.com ( http://www.JustCauseIt.com )

I am thrilled at the tone and the heft of the posts here. I found this a hard piece to write, because I wanted to talk about my own beliefs and avoid restorting to using labels to explain personal choices. It is thrilling both to see how others have responded to this sharing, and to recognize that my ideas are not as *shocking* or unconventional as I may have thought.

I agree with Mata that there are no rules or right ways, but I personally believe that sexual exclusivity and having someone's full attention don't have to go together.

Thanks, everyone, for your words.

Susan Mernit, Susan Mernit's Blog ( http://susanmernit.blogspot.com )

If I am just dating, there is no reason for monogamy. But if someone is special, really special in the I-want-to-build-something-here kind of way, then I want to be monogamous. I want to feel that I am worth someone's full attention, and he is worth mine -- and that we are not "plugging up the occasional holes" in a relationship with other bodies. And that we are -- in an age of lethal STDs -- protecting each other as much as possible.

Open relationships are not for everyone, and not always just open. Sometimes they are a way to hurt the partner passive-aggressively, or to avoid real commitment, or to skirt working through real issues. In the same way monogamy may not always have its virtues, non-monogamy is full of its own brand of relationship perils. I think it is all about where one chooses to take one's risks. It's a whale of a bigger issue than just spreading the love around.

What irks me is some sense that monogamy is portrayed by some folks as "old fashioned", "Vanilla" or "not on the cutting edge." That kind of chatter makes me want to chew nails and spit bullets -- in a ladylike and spiritual kind of way, yanno?.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs relentlessly at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

Thank you so much for this comment. I keep looking for this topic to pop up more than it does, because I have so many polyamorous friends - people who's relationships are "open" in a wide variety of ways. For years, I have watched them not feel like they could admit it in public, talk about their relationships as openly as they have them, and create private social settings in which they can freely express themselves. I have often thought to myself, "this must be what it feels like to be gay." To have to hide who you are, how you behave, how you love, what you believe. And I find it sad.

But, at the same time, I am so happy to see all of this exploration around me. I am glad for me, and for my daughter, who sees this expansive definition of love all around them.

In general, these are some of the most honest, caring and communicative relationships I know. In order for them to work, they must be.

I have come to the conclusion that monogamy isn't for everyone, and there is no reason for it to be. No more than being gay or straight fits everyone. No more than being "into" a particular kind of partner, or sex is right for everyone. And the freedom to be who you are - in a way that is caring and compassionate to, consensually - with, the people in your life, is one of the thing that allows us to become fully human.

Thank you for your post. This is a conversation that needs to be had. Lovingly.
___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE
make some good news!
www.JustCauseIt.com ( http://www.JustCauseIt.com )

I am at the beginning stages of getting ready to divorce and I have been thinking about what my dating life will be like. I was saying to my bestest friend Ron, I am not so sure I want all the commitment and monogamy for a bit. I mean I want to be free to choose or not choose. I want to see someone when I want to. I don't want long-term right now. I know I am new to this---but I wasn't born married and I was married for only 12 years which is long in dog years, but I have recollection of life before marriage and it wasn't sad or pathethic. It was rather interesting and intrigueing. I am listening to you and the others post about this and I am learning and feeling my way. Thanks for the road map...keep talking about this!

Love,
Babz
www.lovebabz.blogspot.com ( http://www.lovebabz.blogspot.com )

... is scary, but for me, it's the only way to go. I want to know that my partner is with me because of who I am, not who I *was* when we got together.

I am a couple years in to a committed partnership that is not monogamous. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

I am going on 9 years in an open, committed relationship.

Sex and love/relationship are independent. They can go together but they don't have to. What my partner and I have found is similar to what you have said: sexual fidelity is not an essential component of a loving, committed partnership. In fact, an unexamined demand for sexual fidelity can damage relationships, when it is inappropriate for one of the partners.
For example, I am naturally monogamous. I prefer to have sex only with my committed partner. However, he does not feel the same and I do not need him to. He is free to express himself sexually with others, and as long as he is safe about it, it does no harm to our relationship.

The key is to have full communication and everyone on the same page. Two people have to be in honest and open agreement about the nature of the relationship, or it will not survive. If one partner lies to please the other, there will be jealousy and resentment - not to mention betrayal. A polyamorous person may have to choose between the partner they desire and their sexual freedom, if that partner does not wish to share. Feelings and preferences may change over time, and ongoing communication is necessary to maintain the relationship.

I am talking mainly about brief romantic or sexual encounters outside a relationship. Maintaining two independent meaningful relationships is a completely different story. I suspect, as you found, it would be difficult at the very least, and probably impossible for most people. Committed partnership takes time and energy; personally, I cannot imagine taking that on with more than one person.

I would also like to add that occasional extra-curricular activities can have a large positive impact on a relationship. I have rarely been so honored or appreciated as when I "let" my boyfriend spend a weekend with an old "friend-with-benefits" from college. (She sent me a thank-you card!!!) Most of the time, just having the option lights things up; a crush or some serious flirting with someone else can really add spice to a relationship. I know it doesn't work for everyone, especially in our puritan-based, sexually repressed culture, but for myself an open relationship has worked better than anything else - and better than I could have imagined.

--e

... not all who wander are lost...