The Not-Good-Enough Mother

i will never be good enough. i cheated on my husband. I proved i'm human and weak. I will never be good enough again. i was perfect. their is no need to express my pain or "reasons" behind the affair as they are not submissable. i am inferrior and will never be good eough to raise our children and they are better off without me.

The minute you stop feeling this way: micromanaging yourself, constantly questioning, having sudden breakdowns of not being good enough....

The minute that happens, you truly won't be good enough.

Those parents that question- and not just sort of half way... but really question their hearts and motives in a way designed to constantly offer the best that THEY can offer- those are the good parents.

Our job is to always strive to be better parents, so that we can inspire better children to foster the better world of their future.

Give up and your kid is gunna rob mine. ;) You're doing fine.

My best friend lost a baby at 11 weeks.  I wish I could have offered her more than an "I'm sorry" and "you'll get pregnant again."  I've never suffered the loss of a miscarriage.  I did share a smiliar emotional pain with her having struggled 6 years with infertility, but I know it's not the same as grieving the death of a child.

Going through a miscarriage is enough to endure emotionally without putting further stress on yourself that you aren't a "good enough" mother, possibly even suggesting to yourself that you didn't deserve the baby in the first place.

Just the fact that Lotus admits she might not be a good enough mother proves that in fact she is.  Any of us that are willing to admit our short comings as moms and are willing to do our best to improve are giving our children all that they need to be happy, healthy, and successful.

That's what I've decided any way.  When I first became a stay at home mom at the ripe age of 30 (after suffering through 6 agonizing years of infertility) I began searching online for mommy advice and support.  What I found was site after site and book after book about "surviving" motherhood.  After 6 years of longing to become a mother, I didn't want to "survive" this experience.  I wanted to relish being a mother.  I wanted to be a good, no wait, a fantastic mother.  I wanted to thrive...hence my online nickname of Thriving Mom.

I fall short of the perfect mom title too.  I wish I were one of those moms I see, you know the ones, that are dressed perfectly with their hair and make up done.  They have a toddler, perfectly behaved, perched on their hip and a content baby napping in a stroller.  They have a structured routine that their little ones magically agree to and they get a full night's sleep every night.  I, in contrast, have circles under my eyes from the sleepless nights I spend up with the baby.  My hair is carelessly tossed into a pony tail.  My busy days spent with babies and toddlers have caused me to completely forget how to apply make up.  I'm having to hold my baby because she screams when I don't and my two toddlers are fighting with each other between my legs.

The difference between the two of us, besides the fact that she looks like she stepped off of a runway and I am all disheveled, is our attitudes.  Sure she has a perfect smile and looks like she's got her act together, but she secretly resents motherhood and is constantly looking for her "me" time.  She is just "surviving" motherhood until her kids are all in school.  I, on the other hand, put my kids first and live in the present with them, savoring each precious moment.

Our kids do not care if our house is neat and orderly.  They do not care if we are dressed in name brand clothes.  They do not care if we follow the latest pop psychology book on parenting or sleep training.  They do not care whether society thinks they shouldn't use a pacifier past the age of 6 months or a bottle should be promptly removed from their hands on their 1st birthday.  They don't care if we keep up the "appearance" of being a perfect mom.

I have a thriving mom attitude instead of a surviving mom attitude and that makes all of the difference in the world.

Nope, you weren't coming across as judgemental. Rather, you finished explaining what I wanted to say but couldn't quite get it out. :)

I'm not full of guilt and judgementalism because I know I would make a lousy parent, although I used to be. It is now *completely* just a bit of reality mixed with practicality and knowing myself well enough to know what I can and cannot do. I can be a great wife (within my own limitations) and have a great marriage (again, within my own limitations). I cannot be a great mother. It's just how it is. Perhaps if I had another forty years to recover from the childhood crap, I could, but that's not realistic at all. :)

I'm not a big fan of - how exactly do I say this? - using guilt or shame or bad self-talk to stop a person from doing what they're perfectly capable of doing or from even trying if they're not sure if they can do it or not. I think beating oneself up over things is bad. I think that asking oneself questions to increase self-awareness and make decisions is good. 

I also want to add that, while love is not enough (I do agree on that point), I also believe that love can go a very very very long way towards healing all sorts of wounds. For me, it wasn't until I had love in my life, in one form or another, that I could heal from the damages done to me. Whether that is love from a spouse; aunts, uncles, or other relatives; or friends, it's all good. :) And a parent who loves their child will always be a better parent than a parent who does not love their child. :)

Laurie in Sri Lanka

Chilli & Chocolate ( http://food.laurieashton.com ) | A Canadian in King Parakramabahu's Court ( http://srilanka.laurieashton.com ) | LMAshton on Twitter ( http://twitter.com/lmashton )

Please check out my blog at http://raisingamazingdaughters.wordpress.com

If you thought you were perfect, you'd likely be delusional. Parenting is an incredibly hard job and it's 24/7 and forever like nothing else we'll ever do. And, to complicate matters even more, it's done by people for people and, let's face it, people are mercurial, especially children. Understanding their every need and meeting each one all the time would be impossible. You aim for perfection, you will fail. You wish for perfection; you will be disappointed in yourself. Don't even aim for good enough. Just aim for being someone who loves and does what she can to make life happier for herself and her kids, when she can. And, don't be so hard on yourself. What would you say to a friend or one of your kids who was feeling like you are? You'd say, "cheer up, you're doing the best you can and some days it's good enough, some days it's better than good enough, and some days it sucks...just as it should." It's wonderful that you care so much but stop measuring your competency and just live your life with love and compassion..for yourself!

The thing I admire most in you, Lotus, is your transparency. That and your utter loyalty to both your family and your friends. You rise to every occasion, you shine, and while I know you struggle with feeling inadequate, you should know your friends, your son and your husband, all see the wonder of all you do for us. Struggle is part of the job. You just are honest enough to say it.

XO

I can't speak on the grief of losing a child, only on the grief of intefertility. I can speak on not feeling good enough as a parent.

I wonder if as parents we don't all feel that way at least some of the time. As women I think many of us are programed to not feel good enough at much of what we do. There are people that have written on this so much more eloquently than I ever could, so I'm not really going to go there, just putting the thought out there.

I have a special needs child that I struggle with every day. Just yesterday I had a meeting with his 1st grade teacher and I was in tears telling her that I have no idea if what I am doing for him is enough, or even right. I second guess so many things with him. Like last night when I sent him to bed without stories or snuggles because he had destroyed his play room, throwing Lego's and other toys all over for almost two hours. I was emotionally spent. And then I wonder if I didn't mess him up more because I didn't tell him I love him before he went to sleep.

My rational brain tells me I am doing everything possible for him. I know that I will continue that. My emotional brain will always question my decisions. I guess in some ways that is good? I always felt my parents had a complete inability to admit to making mistakes. I don't want to parent my kids with that attitude. I can, and have, told my son that I don't like how I behaved in response to something he did, and that I want to be a better parent.

Parenting is Hard!

Kristine blogs at Mommy Needs Therapy or a Bottle of Wine ( http://mommyneedstherapy.com ) and is a contributing blogger to Philly Moms Blog ( http://phillymomsblog.com ).

Thank you so much to everyone for their comments.  I appreciate all the perspectives brought by commenters.  I do feel the need to clarify a few things.

While I speak of struggling to believe I'm a good parent, I have used that as an example of how I have always tended to think I'm "not good enough."  That is why I put the words "the truth" both in italics and quote marks.  This is a struggle for me that I recognize - and one might say I'm effectively working on this issue.  Will I ever overcome it? I don't know, but I sure hope so.  But I definitely have the struggle - I have a tendency to allow myself to believe I am not good enough at "________."  And I think many parents find that Parenting is a responsibility they often find themselves worried they are "failing" at - or at least question if they are doing it well.  Because it is now such a big part of my life, it has become my "_________."  I also have history with my own parents that makes me *more* likely to worry.  That is personal stuff about them, and I will not go into it here.

I should also mention that this is syndicated content from my personal website - I wrote this piece in September, during a particularly depressing time for me. It was the one year anniversary of my conception of a second pregnancy that ended in miscarriage, at 3 months gestation.  The good news is that this struggle is something that is a personal difficulty for me, but I do also have many times when I *am* confident in my abilities.  Perhaps the piece could have been better written.

The other thing I feel the need to speak on is the assertion that there is ever a timetable for grief, or that I am doing wrong to my family because my grief is shaped a certain way.  We all grieve loss in a different way, and I find it impossible to tolerate the view that you can prescribe a label of right or wrong to that process.  The loss of my babies was most definitely one of the hardest things I've ever had to get through, yes.  My husband, friends, and support network have all greatly helped me.  I believe grieving is a continual process, and part of that for me is being honest about my feelings with others.  To have them thrown back in my face as wrong is pretty harsh.  Please be assured,  I am making progress on my grief journey.

I thank you all, again, for sharing your thoughts.  It's great to think deeper and along different lines than I normally would, and for that I appreciate the discourse!  Please continue. :-)

Lotus Carroll, aka Sarcastic Mom, writes @ ( http://twitter.com/ ) i am lotus ( http://iamlot.us ), reviews @ ( http://twitter.com/ ) lotus reviews ( http://lotusreviews.com ), and is Contributing Editor of Blissfully Domestic's photography column ( http://bit.ly/5DwPjB ).

It's truly baffling to me that you'd sign up for a BlogHer account just to comment on Lotus' post telling her to "move on" from losing her babies. It is much more than just being an "effective parent." The babies were her son's siblings. They were there, and then they weren't.

That, is heartbreak that never heals. Grief is different for everyone. Lotus is doing her best to keep her son the happiest he can be as well as honor her lost babies.

Please consider the feelings of the person to whom you are addressing.

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You should learn to live with being uncomfortable.  Accept that as part of life and move on.

You are not being fair to the family you have by not grieving and putting this behind you.

In parenting one thing is certain:  In order to be an effective parent you must get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

@ ( http://twitter.com/ ) Laurie

That is a very good point.  I've been thinking about it.

I think there is a difference between deciding "I should not have children" and "I am not a good enough parent ."  Although both might be for the same reasons.  Does that make sense?

I totally agree that everybody has the right to decide that they should not have children.  And I agree that there are some cases in which that person is the best judge of their own ability.

In all cases, the ability to judge and question yourself is a good thing, but I suppose, can also be harmful if not tempered with a "reality check". 

For example - I will speak for myself here.

I also feel that I would not make a good parent, and that is one of the reasons I do not have children.  This is a simple fact, and I dont allow this judgement of my personality, temperament, stability and so on to "eat" at me.  Its just the way things are, and it does not make me a "bad" person.  I get the sense that you feel that way, too.

The OP, on the other hand, seems to me to be talking about a self judgement that is verging into the territory of "I'm a bad person because..." .

Maybe that is the important thing.  Self judgement is important, but it can be crippling if you allow it to become judgemental, rather than truthful.

I dont mean to sound judgmental myself :P  Sorry if it comes across like that.  I just mean - you need to be truthful as well as kind, to yourself and others.

I have a slightly different take on this than pretty much everyone else...

I think it's wise for a person to question whether or not s/he should be a parent. Not everyone should be a parent. Some people really ought to opt out.

My parents are two such people. They were horrendous as parents. I won't go into all the details, but suffice it to say that I grew up without ever feeling any shred of love or caring or compassion from them. Instead, I was abused, neglected, and pretty close to destroyed. I survived not because of my parents, but in spite of them. They did irreparable harm.

I've gone a long ways towards fixing myself with years of therapy and a lot of work, but I'm still not at the point where I could be a decent parent - I'm still too damaged, so I've opted out. Well, infertility helped make that a guiltless decision, but still. :) I also have health problems that would contribute to making parenthood for me extremely challenging at best even if I didn't have the psychological crap to deal with. But the end result is that, for me, having children and raising them is not something I, personally, would do well with.

Whether to be a parent or to opt out, carefully consider as many factors as you can as reasonably as you can. Yes, many people are their own harshest critic, and if you're questioning, then you're much more likely to make a reasonable decision. But it's also true that some people simply should not be parents (not a dig at anyone).

Laurie in Sri Lanka

Chilli & Chocolate ( http://food.laurieashton.com ) | A Canadian in King Parakramabahu's Court ( http://srilanka.laurieashton.com ) | LMAshton on Twitter ( http://twitter.com/lmashton )

I agree with all of the above commenters.  I think it is a previously unspoken curse of motherhood that you are always going to beat yourself up over not being good enough for your children. 

An honest and caring mother will question herself.  An honest mother gets on the internet and writes about her doubts about her parenting abilities. 

My pal HeyJen nailed it.  If you're questioning it, you're on the right track.

As you can see, there's a whole gaggle of us (fellow mothers) who feel the same as you and who are both comforted and relieved that you put this out there. 

I once heard someone say (was it Roseanne?) that the best that we can offer our kids is 50% better than what we ourselves had growing up.  It's not much to strive for for some of us, but it's a goal that makes this mountain of parenthood seem maybe not so treacherous.

Somer blogs at Merry Wife of Canon ( http://www.merrywifeofcanon.com ) as well as Smell My Plate ( http://www.smellmyplate.com ).

Hey Jen is right: "You should be worried if you didn't worry." I never thought I was ready for a kid, always thought I had too many flaws to be a good parent. I agonized over this while everyone I knew was cranking out kids left and right, like they weren't giving it a second thought. I figured that I must be missing the "mother gene," or that I just didn't have it in me to ever be a mother.

And here I am, 34 years old, mother of a 9 month old baby girl, and I still question. My pregnancy wasn't exactly *cough* planned *cough*. I questioned if I was doing the right thing by having her, keeping her. I will tell you today with a definite yes that it was, but it doesn't mean I don't still question my ability as a parent. There are days when I feel like I'm doing everything right, and then there are days like today when I plopped her down in front of a Curious George cartoon for ten minutes so that I could take a GD shower. And it's the moments like those when I think, you are so not cut out for this; you're already being lazy and she's just a baby. But some days it's all about survival - taking it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Parenting is  a never-ending learning process.

We're all there with you. We've all been there and continue to be there. I know that it's not easy, but sometimes there's comfort in simply knowing you're not alone.

-Amy
Amy blogs over at This Northern Life ( http://thisnorthernlife.com ).

I think as mothers most of us feel as though we aren't good enough. We all question ourselves and wonder if we are making the right decisions or handled a situation the right way or even gave them enough love. I've suffered from depression on and off since I was 10 and I am 31 now. There were times after I had my first that I wondered if I even felt anything for my daughter. I was so apathetic. It was later explained to me that because of her birth and delivery and that she was so sick that was the reason I was so detached feeling. I hadn't bonded with her at that point. It took close to 6 months. I felt guilty for not feeling anything for her.

Not even two months after my second daughter was born my 11 year old brother died unexpectedly. That day I lost not just him, but another brother as well, he didn't die but we lost him along with his innocence, which may have been the hardest part. My therapist wanted me put on antidepressants immediately because she was afraid I would lapse into some sort of serious postpartum depression with my brothers death. Yes it did hit me very hard but what grounded me and probably saved me was my children because I absolutely HAD to be there for them. I never did take the drugs I was prescribed. 

As Jenna said, you are not alone. The fact that you are even worrying about whether or not you are good enough is a good sign. You should be worried if you didn't worry. You will be okay, you just need to take it day by day and if necessary, hour by hour. 

Take care and know that we are here if you need us. :)

I lost my first child, and am mother to a son (27) and two daughters (25, 21).  I could have written the very words you did, many times over, throughout the years.  At twelve, I lost my mom, and wanted nothing but to have babies... then felt over and over that I was just a huge screw-up (still do battle with that from time to time) and certainly messing up my kids' lives.

It happens that this morning my older daughter called me when I was feeling a bit down, and she heard the tears over the phone.  Her words... I wrote them down as the tears fell on my lap... "mom, you're funny, sensitive, nice...  I like to hang out with you!"... that was such a gift, and from the self-proclaimed misunderstood middle child herself.

Long ago I went to see Adele Faber speak - she is the co-author of "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" among other fabulous books.  Her best words: aim for 50 - 60 percent, let go of the desire to be there/get it right 100 or even 90 percent of the time.  Kids are resilient, they survive all those things we think we are screwing up on.

All the best to you.

Have you considered that comparing lists can be...misleading?

Because you are a good enough mother - you dont even realise most of the items that should be on the "good enough" list.  Because you take them for granted.

Also - sheer number of "items" means very little.  Some items on a list weigh more than all the others put together. 

Like love.

That there, is one weighty item.

It may not be enough (whatever that means) but its more important than anything else, because it forms the foundation of all your judgments, and bumps them in the right direction.

Ain't nobody doing it perfect. I think if you're trying, you're on the right track.

Amanda

http://amandamagee.com

It's a struggle I have with myself as well. Both with the baby we lost to miscarriage and my adoption related grief and loss, I tell myself that those things happened because I wasn't good enough.

And then I tell myself to STFU.

The truth is that no mother is perfect. The only reason I can type that is because I spent four years (and counting) listening to what my therapist had to say about the matter. We are our own harshest critic. There are days that I think, "What the HECK am I doing?" There are days that I really think I'm falling short in every aspect of my life. But then my Mom, who really was a great Mom, tells me that she felt the same way. Then my Grandmother, who raised three boys who are pretty darn awesome, tells me that she had the same feelings. My great-grandmother, who hasn't made a mistake that I can recall, told me she dealt with the same feelings in her day. These are three strong, wonderful women and if they felt like I do, then I'm figuring it's less about being not-good-enough and more about a struggle we all face.

You are not alone. You may not be perfect but, trust me, not one of us is.

@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom ) from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com )