NOT “IN-LOVE” WITH HIM ANYMORE (BUT I STILL LOVE HIM)

For decades as a licensed marriage /family therapist and certified life coach, I have listened as people referred to being "not in-love with,” yet still loving their spouses. Most came to understood that there were many different kinds of love. Yet they struggled with decisions of marital enrichment, preservation, or dissolution.

Often I suspected that this was used as a politically correct expression to avoid these thoughts and feelings:
1. How can I no longer love a person to whom I've been married
for years?
2. It just seems so "not nice" and wrong.
3. I can't hurt his feelings like that!
4. He is such a good person.
5. We get along very well.
6. Most of our relationship is great.
7. I feel like roommates.

At other times, I surmised that she (or he) was in a confused tangle of emotions. Clear emotional expression was impossible. Maybe she/he was caught up in an emotional affair or felt an exciting sexual attraction to a workplace colleague or a long-term friend.

Many who could explain what no longer being "IN-LOVE" meant for them, did so. Common threads appeared for the explanation and understanding of the “NOT IN -LOVE" declaration. Here's what I learned.

12 COMMON THREADS OF NO LONGER FEELING "IN-LOVE"
Consider reviewing this checklist.
Decide whether you may be falling out of love—

YOU NO LONGER:
0 1. Think about your partner in the middle the day for no reason all.
0 2. Smile when his/her image comes into your head.
0 3. Look forward to going home and being together
0 4. Enjoy sharing each other's routine stories of the day.
0 5. Discuss plans for the future.
0 6. Feel attraction to the internal and/or external qualities of your
partner.
0 7. Enjoy some level of physical intimacy together (affection or sex).
0 8. Have an interest in pleasing and being pleased by your partner.
0 9. Consider his (or her) flaws as acceptable.

AND/OR YOU:
0 10. Wonder or imagine routinely if you'd be happier with
someone else in general or a particular person.
0 11. Have less patience with your partner than you did.
0 12. Focus on everything you do not have in common.

In the past, did you do all/most of the relationship behaviors in #1-9? Did you check more than 2 or 3 of the 12 items above as having changed?

If your relationship has shifted significantly, give some serious thought to your relationship. Do you want to enrich, preserve, or dissolve it?

Please know that couples can work through this issue. Resources and qualified professional help are available.

I would like to know your questions and thoughts about my Common Threads checklist and the feeling of being "not in-love”.

For more relationship coaching tips, visit www.DrCoachLove.com.

(Copyright 2008. P.H. Pickett. All rights reserved.
Reprint with permission. Contact DrCoachLove@CenturyTel.net for permissions.)