- Share This Post
- Pin It
- 9
-
Sparkle (0)
If I did have a Bucket List, however, I would put "attend Academy Awards" on it. I always watch from home, but it would be once-in-a-Life-List exciting to go. I might find it harder to snark about the dresses if I could only tweet from my phone, and I might find it hard to pay attention if I had to sit still the whole time, but truly, my real attraction to the Oscars is that I am moved by the celebration of the arts and science of film making. I like the anticipation, and I like the acceptance speeches -- especially when the recipient gives context or meaning to their role or decision to work on that particular film. And when they thank their mom or their spouse, or tell their kids to go to bed? I love that too.
There is another awards show I want to attend, but it doesn't exist. Wouldn't it be awesome if we could have an Opposite Oscars, a worst films awards show? Where we could call out the performances and films that aspired for greatness, but turned out to not even be worth the popcorn required to survive them? Nominees could attend in their jeans or yoga pants, grab a boxed lunch from the folding table by the door, and wait expectantly to see who was dubbed worst. The loser could then tell off the people who led them to that bad performance, they could nurse their wounds, or just apologize. "I needed the money to pay a bad IRS debt/lift-tuck the twins after breastfeeding the real twins/buy back a digital video camera I inadvertently left in a South Beach hotel room," they would say. And we might understand, or we might cluck and boo, but at least we'd have resolution.
The only problem I foresee is that the nominees wouldn't show, would they? Maybe Tom Hanks would come -- he always comes -- but probably no one else. I can still announce my nominees, though, can't I? Because truly, it's a total dishonor simply to be nominated.
I've put together this list of the movies I saw last year -- or at least saw part of with hopes that they would be entertaining. Movies where I left the theater or snapped the DVD back into its Netflix envelope wishing I had my money and time back. Maybe you've seen them too, or know of others we should dishonor.
WORST FEMALE PERFORMANCES
Strongest nominees in this category are Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway in Bride Wars, which I found horribly horrid despite Khloe Kardashian's blog statement that it is her favorite wedding movie. DeAnne Welker did a great job describing it on a Television Without Pity blog: "Bride Wars is the type of movie that's so offensive, no one is immune. No, really -- no one." The concept of a prolonged revenge-fueled pre-wedding season is indeed incredibly bad, and the movie hits on every way to degrade women's self-esteem. The worst part, though, was the pathetic performances. If you are going to make a movie like this, make it. Show some teeth. Show some schadenfreude, and show the comic side of pain. Kate and Anne phoned in this junk to make an orange-spray-tanned buck, no doubt. I must also throw a nomination to Cameron Diaz in The Box. She pushes a preposterous film into the excruciating-but-laughable tier. So embarrassed to admit I watched every minute of this one, mostly amusing myself by rewriting it in my head and fantasizing about spraytanning Cameron Diaz orange. Really orangey orange.
WORST MALE PERFORMANCES
As much as it pains me to say this, because like so many others I am a Woman Who Stares at George Clooney, but he was dreadful in Men Who Stare At Goats. I tend to love movies that are convoluted and quirky with intriguing experiments (trace the narrative arcs of the Star Wars movies? Cool idea!), but this one falls apart, and I think the problems have a lot to do with George. Sorry, man. Jeff Bridges was only slightly better,
