Not Quite Healed: Repost from Celibacy Diaries
By sdwyatt on July 31, 2014
This is a repost from my blog: Celibacy Diaries. I wrote this after listening to two conference calls on Monday, July 30, 2014, about celibacy, dating, and relationships.
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A few days ago, I ran across an old e-mail from 2011 from the ex-husband. I was trying to clean out old e-mails to declutter my Gmail.
I was pregnant with Kalen at the time. I thought I deleted the e-mail because I didn't want any additional stress, especially during the last trimester. After two miscarriages, I did not want to experience another one. I was hurt. I was devastated, but I couldn't let the ex get to me, because I had less than a few weeks before Kalen arrived.
Yesterday, I listened to two conference calls on celibacy: Christian Singles Cafe (Formerly Celibacy is Sexy) and Unmarried No More. Pugh discussed Love after Hurt, while Pastor Walker discussed finding a Godly mate. I have been listening to Pugh since last year, while I just heard of Unmarried No More, about an hour before the conference.
I just happen to visit a celibacy group, I joined a while back, but not active in. I visit for motivation because the moderator posts good topics and graphics. One of the posts was for Unmarried No More, so I decided to tune in. She also discussed healing yourself before moving into a future relationship.
Two different conferences: Same Topic. God was in the plans.
Christian Singles Cafe:
Pugh had Tamiko Lowry as a guest speaker. Lowry discussed how people get into new relationships without healing from past relationships. She also discussed how people are abused in relationships, but don't always know about it. I have been physically and emotionally abused before, but I didn't know I was emotionally abused until later. In order to heal, Lowry said we must forgive. We also need to love ourselves before moving into a new relationship.
Unmarried No More:
I was not sure what to expect from this call, since it was my first time calling in. Walker said the purpose of the call was to "position you to receive your Godly covenant mate." One thing, which stood out was "Is the problem of not getting married bigger than your God?"
So I been married before and now divorced. From listening to Pugh's calls, I have decided to wait until remarriage to have sex again. I never expected celibacy to last this long but no reason in giving it up until I am in a committed, married, relationship. I seen others, who wait until they are in any relationship. Maybe they wait until they are engaged.
From experience, I feel that some men/women will wait long enough to get you to have sex, then walk away. Then, the process starts over again. I don't want to waste almost 4 years of celibacy on someone, who will walk away before marriage.
I used to get turned on by men, who said they were celibate. If I wanted to have sex with them, their celibacy did not stop me. I already knew I probably would never see them again. I also felt they should have seen, in advance, that we would never been more than a one-night stand.
If all we talk about is sex, whether celibate or sexually active, I don't expect anything else, even if it is one time.
Back to the conference, The Pastor said society sets expectations, which is not from God. People divorce they judge marriage based on worldly principles.
FallBrook Church Pathway to Peace:
In Sunday School, on June 27th, 2014, we had a discussion about divorce. Marcus discussed how the bible only had a few reasons for divorce: abandonment, infidelity, and death. Being abused was not one of the reasons, which led to a big debate. My former marriage had infidelity on both sides, so I was like yes, I have a biblically sound divorce :-).
The Unmarried conference also discussed how people give others a commitment when they are not qualified to receive a commitment. Other highlights included:
- People make the mistake that God will change someone's heart
- People need to ask God to reveal if yall have the same vision
- God is not going to tell one person about marriage without telling the other.
- The enemy will play on physical attraction.
- We have to heal past hurts before moving into a new relationship.
So to conclude, I thought what qualifications does a man need to have before I consider a relationship with him. Sure, I love older, bald, chocolate men, but that is not enough to date someone.
I also want someone, who accepts me for having herpes, but that is not enough to date someone.
I thought of five things. The list is a work in progress.
- Be a follower, not a fan of Christ. (learned this in Sunday School).
- Be there for me when sick. I thought of this after thinking of an incident, which happened in 2005.
- Not abusive: spiritually, mentally, and physically.
- Be available. I want to be able to talk to him when needed without having to stalk him. I don't want to have to call or IM or e-mail constantly to find out where he is.
- Celibate. Of course, we have to set boundaries, plus no sex until marriage.
And that is my reflection of Monday's conference call. I am not quite healed.
Stacie D. Wyatt
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