Not Tonight, Dear, I Have a Headache. 15 Reasons Why

6. You’ve been watching football all day in your baggy sweats, drinking beer and eating chips, belching out the National Anthem before every game, and she’s just not turned on.

7. Everybody and their family goat has been wanting something from her all day long. Her boss needs her to work on Saturday, when the kids have piano and soccer (at opposite ends of town), the house looks like a war zone and your mother is coming for the weekend, laundry is piled up and the washing machine has inexplicably died, and the dog just puked on the couch. She just wants to be left alone. The best thing you could right now is bring her a bottle of wine and some chocolate. Then go away.

8. You waited until she was showered, dressed, made-up, and on her way out the door to give her “the wink.” Seriously, dude? You couldn’t have thought of this an hour ago?

9. You’re sweaty and dirty, and you smell bad. We’re thrilled that you’re feeling all pumped up from your great racquet ball game or installing the back deck, but take a shower first, m’kay?

10. She just walked in the door, everyone is hungry, her mother has called three times with instructions to call her back asap, her feet are throbbing from the heels she’s been wearing for nine hours, she’s exhausted and just needs a moment to breathe. “You can do all that later” isn’t helpful and will most likely result in her thinking about her To-Do list the entire time you’re busting your best bedroom moves.

11. You’re drunk and she’s not. While we love that you have a posse to go out with and watch endless months of sports bowls and playoffs over bottomless pitchers of beer, but coming home gassed at midnight with your drunk frisky on is just not foreplay.

12. It’s first thing in the morning and neither of us has brushed our teeth. Those TV shows where the beautiful couple wakes up and rolls towards each other for a long, slow “Good Morning” kiss? Again, fiction. Let us brush our teeth and pee. You, too. Then we’ll talk.

13. You only touch her when you’re horny. And you assume that any and all touching from her automatically indicates a spontaneous desire get naked and jump your bones. We like to feel attractive and desirable even with our clothes on. We’re funny like that.

14. She’s just not feeling it and doesn’t want to have to fake it.

15. You’re doing it wrong, and she’s afraid to tell you. And you haven’t asked.

So next time she claims a headache, ask if that’s truly the reason. Or go unload the dishwasher. You’d be surprised what turns us on.

 

 

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