October Isn't Happening and I Need To Get Over It
This is about pregnancy - or rather my non-pregnancy situation. If it's not something you want read, then be sure to come back tomorrow. However, if you want to read this post - click the continue reading button.
Have you left yet?
Okay cool, then you are along for the "ride".
As a lot of you know I miscarried with my first pregnancy in February. We started trying in January, got pregnant right away, and then subsequently miscarried a little over 6 weeks in. To say it was a devastating experience is an understatement. I didn't really get why people got so upset before I went through it - but now I get it 100%. To be honest, I am probably still going through the motions about it. We really, really want our own little one and, for us, it's just hard seeing everyone else getting pregnant. We are just ready for it...and it's not happening.
Per the doctor's orders we were to wait two cycles, so that my body could heal and normalize, and then it would be okay to start trying again. I actually believed that I would get pregnant right away again since it happened so quickly the first go around.
Boy was I wrong.
Our first official month of back to trying was May.
Then June happened.
Not pregnant (found that little tidbit out on my birthday - happy birthday to me).
The disappointment and pain of getting a negative result from every test and then my period starting is for real. For me, it's beyond disappointing - it's down right depressing. I am sure that you are probably thinking it's only been two months - give it time.
If only it were that easy! I am not the most patient woman in the world. Technically, we started trying January, miscarried in February, couldn't try March and April, and then in May and June it didn't happen for us.
That's six months people of zero (painful) results.
I think back and am like if I hadn't miscarried in February, I would be having a baby in October - which by the way was my dream due date. Helllooooo Halloween birthday parties! I recognize that it's not going to happen this year, during that month, and that I need to get over it...it's just so much easier said than done! I worry about how I will feel when October does arrive --- and what if I am not pregnant by then. Know what I mean? I know that's out of my control, but still - I wonder about it.
Part of my frustration is that last month I/we did everything I possibly could to make it happen - short of taking my temperature. I purchased the ovulation kit and made sure that my hormone levels surged like they were supposed to do. I made sure that we were timely. So I just don't get why it's not happening. I track everything, I eat the right things, I take my folic acid. What gives!?
Another part of my frustration is that I really, really, really believed that I was pregnant in June. I had EVERY.SINGLE. SYMPTOM. Man. The disappointment of starting my period the other day....I can't even put it into words.
As a person of faith, I recognize that this isn't going to happen on my time - but on God's time, and that I need to have some faith here.
I feel like my faith is really being put to the test. So not only was there a baby shower yesterday (salt to wound) - but yesterday, TWO PEOPLE, let me repeat that TWO PEOPLE, on the SAME DAY came in with sonograms of their new little blessing that is on the way. (My hands literally starting to sweat as I typed that) For one person, I was able to hold it together and say "congratulations, so happy for you and your wife" and then went to the bathroom and cried. For the other person, she stopped by my cube and showed me her son's and his wife's sonogram. They weren't even ready yet - not even trying, they weren't even planning on trying till around Christmas. I literally started crying when she showed me. I apologized over and over and then just ran to the bathroom. I ended up leaving work for the day - I just couldn't pull it together. What sucks about the whole situation is that I AM SO HAPPY FOR THEM! Achieving this milestone and being blessed with such a perfect gift is amazing - and quite frankly a miracle. I can't think of better families that this could have happened to.
If you are wondering, the lady that I started crying to is a really good friend of mine. I texted her and apologized and that I am really happy for her. She understands and gets what I am going through - thank god.
My emotions are hormones are so out of whack from being off of birth control for pretty much the first time in ten years - add to that I am on my period....and you get someone that cries at the drop of a hat. I literally cried when a Ke$ha song came on the radio.
I reached out to a good friend of mine who does acupuncture and asked what she thought. She suggested that I at least give acupuncture a try. Also, a close family member is getting acupuncture to help her with digestive issues and for the first time ever she is able to gain weight. So I am making a call today to get an appointment set up ASAP. I need something to get my hormones under control - and hopefully, that in turn will help me get pregnant.
To be honest, I am not sure where I am going with this post. I just needed to vent.
Hopefully July will be the month. I am not going to do ANY testing this month - ovulation or pregnancy. Just going to see if it happens or not. I have already decided that if my cycle is five days late, that's when I will test to see what's what - not before hand. I am not going to terrorize myself with "oohhh I've got nausea yes!!!"
If it happens for us, then April should be birth month. My best friend was born in April and I was married in April - so maybe that will be a sign of good luck for us this month.
Wish us luck and if you are a religious person - please pray for us. Pray for peace. Pray that the acupuncture makes me stop crying like a crazy person.