Ode de Trio

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The Green Eyed Monster & Self-reflection

Envy.... Jealousy...

I think I suffer from this occasionally. Sure, I covet a large house occasionally. One with 4 bedrooms, so Kyan can stim to his delight without disrupting Braylen. I envied the perfect looking 20-something girl that blew right past me on the running trail last week...yes, you...the one who was solid muscle perfection and too young to appreciate it.

But tonight, I envied something else. Balance. Peace. A sense of having it all under control. Maybe even a sense of joy. I am not so sure I have ever been good at keeping things balanced. I've been called unbalanced and even unstable before in a way that was clearly an attack, and mean-spirited, but maybe it's the truth. Tonight as I ate dinner with good friends and we talked about life I began to wonder if maybe I just don't handle stress well. Maybe I am more fragile than everyone else--weaker somehow when it comes to struggles or troubles. This was alarming to me, because I have never viewed myself that way, but maybe my friends around the table would do better in my shoes. Maybe you would. Maybe and other person on earth would feel okay in these circumstances--would be clear-headed and calm.

I've never really thought of myself as fragile, as so far I appear to be in one piece. But maybe other people in my shoes could roll with the punches and 'deal' a little better. Me? I roll for a little while and then it all comes down around me. I come unglued. unhinged. unhappy. Un-okay. you get the picture. The last 2 days I have felt like I am on the verge of tears most of the time. I went to the gym and ran HARD on the treadmill last night, just trying to pound it all out as if running my butt off could somehow purge the demons of fear, doubt and worry. I felt better this morning, but by the end of the day that weight had returned to my soul. Maybe it's this dang anxiety. I have Xanex and try not to take it very often because I know it's addictive and God, I don't need anything like that to deal with. But honestly, even if I take a half one, it bandaids the moment but fixes nothing. So I usually don't bother. Why risk it?

So tonight sitting at dinner, I began to wonder if perhaps I lack the mental, physical, whatever fortitude to just hang in there. I have thus far considered myself to be a strong person, but I truly am beginning to wonder if I am a wuss in strong-mommy clothing and maybe everyone or anyone else could handle this better. SHEESH. Maybe this really isn't so hard and I am just easily overwhelmed??? Hmmmm....something to think about. If that is the case, what do I do now? How does one gain mental, emotional toughness and balance? I pray about this. I exercise, which helps me. I take anti-anxiety meds, which believe it or not, really help. I try. I REALLY try to keep perspective and to get it right, but lately I just feel spent. And as I think about it, this happens periodically. Maybe I am only strong in spurts. Maybe it is the full moon. Barometric pressure? Laziness? Adult-ADD? I DON"T KNOW. I say that a lot these days, don't I?

I guess the cause is unimportant. I don't have cancer--that I know of. I have a safe home to sleep in. Clothes on my kids' backs. Food to eat. A loving family. Maybe I don't even know what a true crisis is. Nevertheless, our circumstances are swallowing me alive. In spite of what scripture says, I am afraid. I do not feel like more than a conqueror and I am having a hard time taking heart. I do know the Lord is with me, and maybe that should be all I need to know...BUT, here I am.

My friend recommended that I go to the church and get anointed with oil and prayed over. She argues that all of the craziness of the last 6 months is spiritual warfare. Maybe she is on to something. My issue is that A. I'm not sure my church does the anointing with oil/prayer thing--Methodists? Anyone? B. I don't know either of my pastors that well. Do I really want to fall to pieces in front of people who don't really know me? What if I can't get my junk together to get up off the floor? C. What would I say to them anyway?

Hey. No I don't have cancer, or any illness, or really anything tangible to tell you. You see, basically I'm just a trainwreck. I am spent emotionally, physically and mentally. Can you hook me up? That word 'unstable' comes back to mind. I so don't want to be that girl, but maybe I just am.