Ogres are like onions...LAYERS DONKEY! They have layers...(Good luck making sense out of this one.. ha ha)

Discussion of the evening: Me: Why are you so afraid of upsetting me? Am I scary? I don’t yell… I don’t throw things… I don’t say mean things… I hate feeling like the monster that makes you walk on eggshells… but I see you walking on eggshells…. Mr. Amazing: You disappear… You check out… You are just gone, nothing inside... A Kerry shell… Me: How do I do that? I just don’t want to react poorly, so I push things away until I can sort through my thoughts and feelings and then if needed, I will bring them up… often times against my will… Sometimes I try to convince them to stay away… But they just kind of explode out in random bursts… Mr. Amazing: It’s this compartmentalizing thing you do... You put feelings away until you deem them appropriate to be dealt with…

In all honesty… I don’t think I have ever seen anyone do it as effectively as I do… Sometimes I put things away so far that when I try to deal with them, I can find them, or they are buried under too many other things… and they are starting to burst out, but I cannot get to the root… This blogging has been my way of trying to unbury so much of it… But I have had to be creative in the way I do it… I majored in Psychology, and I am so good at it that I have tricked my own subconscious into not allowing me access to my own thoughts and feelings… So I am tricking them back out… Through places… and dates… and today through a song… (Thanks Kelly Clarkson LOL!!!)

One line at a time:

Lyric: I will not make the same mistakes that you did

Angry Layer: I Will not be made to feel worthless, I will not be worthless, I will not be uneducated and helpless, and dependant on anyone but myself

Truth Layer: I am worth being loved despite my mistakes

Lyric: I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery

Angry Layer: I will protect myself … I don’t need anyone to protect me

Truth Layer: I am willing to give up protection for acceptance

Lyric: I will not break the way you did

Angry Layer: I am stronger than you, I am not weak!

Truth Layer: I loved you… I trusted you with my weaknesses

Lyric: You fell so hard

Angry Layer: I wasn’t enough to keep you from falling

Truth Layer: I’m so scared that I cannot stop you from falling

Lyric: I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Angry Layer: Don’t trust… Don’t depend… Don’t need…

Truth Layer: If it doesn’t go that far... I can’t fail you

 

Two lines at a time:

 

Lyric: Because of you

        I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk

Angry Layer: I will never take another chance! You’re not worth it

Truth Layer: I don’t think I can love… and married a man who didn’t require me too… He never noticed… How sad is that… He was shocked to find out I was still in that shell… a little disappointed actually… Because he didn’t break the spirit I never shared with him

Lyric: Because of you

        I learned to play on the safe side

Angry Layer: I learned to not ever engage fully, never really let go.

Truth Layer: Go through the motions, Hide the emotions

Lyric: So I don't get hurt

        Because of you

        I find it hard to trust

Angry Layer: YOU HURT ME.

Truth Layer: I trusted you not to hurt me

Lyric: Not only me, but everyone around me

        Because of you

        I am afraid

Angry Layer: YOU LEFT ME YOU LEFT ME YOU LEFT ME YOU LEFT ME (YOU ALL LEFT ME)

Truth Layer: I’m so scared it tears me apart, Loss kills me! And in order to avoid it I have given little pieces of myself to everyone and never all of myself to anyone… until now.

 

A Verse at a time:

Lyrics: I lose my way

        And it's not too long before you point it out

        I cannot cry

        Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

        I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh

        Every day of my life

        My heart can't possibly break

        When it wasn't even whole to start with

Angry Layer: I lose my way

        And it's not too long before you point it out

        I cannot cry

        Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

        I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh

        Every day of my life

        My heart can't possibly break

        When it wasn't even whole to start with

Truth Layer: I LOST MY WAY! Sometimes I can’t stop crying, I wasn’t safe, My heart broke… There is something wrong with me.

 

Lyric: Because of you

        I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk

        Because of you

        I learned to play on the safe side

        So I don't get hurt

        Because of you

        I find it hard to trust

        Not only me, but everyone around me

        Because of you

        I am afraid

Angry Layer: I will never follow you again, I will never trust you not to hurt me or those that I love, I won’t let you matter enough to me to hurt me, I don’t trust you, I don’t need you, You don’t scare me anymore, because you don’t have me anymore…

Truth Layer: I want this so much, I am going to trust you, I will not let fear stop me, and Love is louder than fear.

 

Lyrics: I watched you die

        I heard you cry

        Every night in your sleep

        I was so young

        You should have known better than to lean on me

        You never thought of anyone else

        You just saw your pain

        And now I cry

        In the middle of the night

        For the same damn thing

Angry Layer: Anger is a secondary emotion, it is a defense mechanism to deal with the real emotion underneath it… In my case it is a layer of shame and fear… Those are my compartments… That’s how I file everything I think and feel… By how it is my fault… How it terrifies me to believe and trust and let go…

Truth Layer: I Love you, I love so much, I love everything about you, I love your face, I love that little place on your hip I draw circles… I love the way you force me to make eye contact to make sure I am engaged, I love that you are mine… I love your tears, I love every emotion and thought you have, I love your laughter, I love your wit, I love the way you think, I love the way you walk, and move through crowds, I Love your ideas, and how they dance their way out through your facial expressions. I Love how you hold me, I love that you can make me laugh… You know… Really laugh… Not the cute giggle I have perfected, but the real laugh. I love that you invoke tears.. Not the few escape tears that are acceptable... but the real crying… I love that you make me jump for entertainment… and immediately comfort me… because I love how safe I feel when your arms are around me, when your hand is on me, when you’re close. I love that you listen to my silly little rules for how I deal with things, and then break them all… I love you

 

 

Lyrics: Because of you

        Because of you

Because of you… I am going to try

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