Oh Lindsey Lohan. What's Become of You, Girl?
Oh Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. No, I'm not trying to channel my inner Jan Brady here, I just wanted to take a moment to sound maternal. I mean, if anyone could use a mother, it's you. Your own mother is, bless her heart, not exactly the sort of woman that you should be looking up to.
Lindsay Can You Hear Me? (Image Courtesy of Zuma Press)
I get it - you were a child model turned actress (we'll forget for a moment, your singing career. I know I'd like to). The pressures of being a child in Hollywood must've been enormous. I don't, frankly, know how ANYONE wants to raise their child to work in Hollywood - it's a brutal life. No doubt.
But I'd like to put on my Mom Pants (not the same as Mom Jeans, FYI) and smack you around a little. Out of LOVE, Lindsay! Out of LOVE.
You need that.
You've been saddled with a fame-whoring mother and a worthless father and for that, my sweet girl, I'm so very sorry. You didn't deserve that sort of childhood. No one does.
But, sweet Lindsay, it's time to get your head on straight. I said as much to you when you got your two DWI's, hoping that rehab would turn you around. Let you see the tremendous gift you've been given. You're a talented, beautiful, and famous movie star. People look up to you. And we ALL know Hollywood loves nothing more than a comeback. If you need proof, just look at your homeslice Britney Spears. She shows the world how a comeback is DONE.
I know your head is all twisted and screwed up right now. The life you've lead - surrounded by hangers-on and Yes Men - it's no wonder. But you're twenty-five now. No longer a child. Now you're an adult and being an adult means that you have to take some responsibility for yourself.
I just heard, Linds (I can call you Linds, right? I mean, since I'm your Internet Mom and all), that you're posing for Playboy. No, let me correct myself. You've been tasked with posing for Playboy and you had to reshoot your first shoot.
You do love your idol, Marilyn Monroe, and I can see why. She was beautiful and talented. She'd been burned by Hollywood too. You've done nude photo shoots dressed as your idol before. You named your clothing line 6126 in honor of her birthday. You even got a quote from Monroe on your arm. It says, "Everyone's a star and deserves the right to twinkle."
But don't you see, Lindsay? You know what happened to Marilyn Monroe, don't you? She grew from a farm girl to a major sex symbol. So far, so good. Who doesn't want to be a sex symbol? Her later years, though, were marked by personal problems, illness, and reputation for being unreliable. So far, sounds like you too, doesn't it, Linds? Fair enough. But instead of staging a major comeback or slinking off to live a normal life, Monroe downed a bottle of pills and died. She killed herself.
That's not so awesomely great, is it, Lindsay?
(the answer is, of course, a resounding no)
No. In fact, it's pretty depressing.
So when I heard you were doing another nude photo shoot - this time for Playboy - once again dressed as your idol, Ms. Monroe, my heart sank. I appreciate the homage to her, but Linds, you need to turn your life AROUND, not sink any lower.
Hef's pretty happy about the pictoral, though. He's saying, "It's a classic tribute inspired by the original Tom Kelly nude pictorial of Marilyn Monroe, a portion of which was the original playmate which was in the original issue of Playboy."
That's great, Linds. Really, it is. I'm sure you feel much better about yourself than you have been.
But I hope that you realize it's time for a comeback. And not in the form of posing for Penthouse or Juggs. No. You need to take stock of the gifts you've been given and work toward something better. Something brighter. Something that requires no nudity.
So I hope you hear me, Lindsay. I really hope you can get your life together.
The world doesn't need another falling star. We need real stars. The kind that shine brightly.
So put your shirt back on and get ready to make a comeback, girl. I'm rooting for you!