Oh Lord, Knit in ME!!!
Hi and welcome to my blog!
This is a place where women who long to have a child can scream out to God, "Oh Lord, knit in ME!!!!!"
Some of you might add a "pretty pretty please" or "a cherry on top" to your cry and that's fine. As long as no one barters any body parts or promises regular church attendance in exchange for God's answer, I'll allow it. ;-)
That prayer of course is what I imagine a lot of women silently cry when they read Psalm 139.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How many of you have acknowledged that the Lord made you... knit you together in your mother's womb... on purpose and for a purpose... rejoiced in that awesome truth... but then wallowed in pity and despair because you long for your womb to be the secret hiding place?
Been there, done that.
Actually, "doing that" might be more accurate and you see.... that's the point of this blog.
Right now, I find myself surrounded by wonderful women who, like me, long to have a child.
Some of us already have one, some of us have lost one, and others have not yet had the chance to stroke brand new life.
My heart just breaks for these women, and in the quiet of night when all is still and I'm alone with my thoughts, it breaks for myself.
The desire to be a mother is so strong and so indescribable I won't even attempt to explain it. I am going to assume that if you've stumbled upon this blog you know the feeling and you know it well.
Any time a woman loses a pregnancy, a child, a reproductive organ or means to conception... is trying to conceive or is battling explained/unexplained infertility she is left wondering "WHY?"
Why me? Why not someone else? What am I supposed to learn from this? What's the point?
I too have asked those questions.
When I had a miscarriage during my second pregnancy I was left broken hearted and empty. My womb was empty, my arms would remain empty, and my soul felt empty.
How could the Lord allow this to happen?
I think I may have found my answer... my calling.
I was barely a week out from my miscarriage when a dear friend had one... and a few weeks after that, another friend. I soon found my self exchanging my "woe is me" hat for my "strong supportive friend" cap and trying to offer these women a shoulder to cry on.
Still bleeding and still picking up the pieces of my own broken heart, it was in trying to comfort my friends that I came to realize words are the Lord's gift to me. Words can bring comfort and words can unite. Words can be read and re-read and clung to during the difficult times. Don't worry- I know these words aren't mine. I also struggle with "the right thing" to say but I know transparency goes a long way and that's what I offer other women.
I still find it amazing you can make lemonade out of lemons and that a bad experience can be the genesis for something great. I've always loved writing so it seems He's been preparing me for this my whole life.
I know it is the Lord who knit me together in my mother's womb... it is the Lord who ordained all my days.
Even the day I lost my little baby.
My loss allows me to write from a place of empathy. My face is often tear stained as I write to these women because I can grasp their pain. I can feel their anguish. I have been on the same roller coaster ride of emotions and I want them to know they aren't alone. Words can't take away their pain but neither can the cruel silence most others offer up when tragedy strikes.
I cannot allow women to suffer in silence and so... this blog was born.
While we all hope for the birth of something far more exciting, our precious little ones, I plan on sharing my heart in the hopes that someone can find comfort.
I've been in the same boat as the "havers"... the lucky girls who have easy conceptions and easy pregnancies. A year later I found myself treading darkened, dirty water, without a life raft, when the "loser" ship went down, dragging all my hopes and dreams for my second child with it. Losing a baby was tragic, heart wrenching, and dreadful but I found hope on the horizon, got my footing, and climbed aboard the "wanting" boat. The "wanters" long for babies, long for baby kicks and baby hiccups, and long to have the Lord knit in them. This is a good place to be...
Welcome again and know that I earnestly pray your pain will cease and make way for the joy of the Lord.
Join hands with me as we cry out to God, "Oh Lord, knit in ME!!!!"
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