Oh Yeah? How Long Has It Been Since YOU Took a Bath?

I haven't taken a bath since the sixth grade which, I realize, sounds gross and all but you're my peeps and I figure I can tell you just about anything (except for that thing last year with the cop and the algae and the 437 rolls of bubble wrap - I'm not ready to talk about that yet.)

Anyway, some Frenchy frog blogger named Sheila (Ma Vie Folie) who makes natural bath products out of her garage or something sent me a boatload of products with a note attached that said: "P.U. You stink!"

Well. Of all the nerve.

Also, while it's true I haven't taken a bath since the sixth grade, it's not like I haven't taken a shower since then - sheesh!

Is it just me, or is it fun to get stuff in the mail? It's me, isn't it. You probably hate getting stuff. You guys are all givers, right? Not me. I take, take, take and take some more. My middle name is gimmegimmegimme.

So I tried the Orange Dreamsicle Lip Balm. I liked how the smell/flavor wasn't overpowering enough to knock out small pets or the guy next to you on the subway, but enough for me to get a good whiff. And the balm is kind of soft, not like those mini-candles they sell at the impulse item section at Walmart. In fact, if I were the PR guy, I'd start an ad campaign with the slogan:

Try our balm. It doesn't scrape the crap out of your lips!

Catchy, right? And that's just off the top of my head.

I also tried the Mmmm Cheesecake! Lip Balm which had a little more punch in the aroma department, but if you like the smell of coconut (or at least I think it was coconut, it might have been pantyhose, I always get those two mixed up), then you'll love the cheesecake flavor. Also? This stuff is even better than that Chicken Poop Lip Junk that I mentioned last year.

After seeking therapy over my childhood traumas surrounding bath tubs (my grandfather died in a tragic accident when he and I raced in the 1st Annual Downhill Bathtub Race of 1977 at the Cliffs of Dover), I decided it was time to get right back on that horse. Albeit thirty years later.

And while we're on the subject of bath issues, I'm afraid to take a bath alone. I want my privacy, but if I slip in the tub, I don't want one of my neighbors breaking down the door wondering what that awful smell is and discovering my naked, partially decayed body in the bathroom. How embarrassing. And what about when the cops arrive...

"What's that smell?" Cop #1 would ask.

Cop #2 would plug his nose, "Rotting corpse?"

"No," Cop #1 would say, sniffing the air like a mouse, "I believe that's mocha mint."

Anyway, as I stepped into the bathroom to prepare a nice hot bath, I discovered a spider on the wall - Eek! How am I supposed to relax in the aroma of Creamy Mocha Mint Latte knowing one of Charlotte's cousins is hanging around waiting for me to fall asleep open-mouthed in the tub? And why is it that spiders only seem to appear AFTER you've taken off all your clothes?

So I hairsprayed the little guy to death.

I brought a book in with me, thinking that I would get bored just laying there in the tub, doing nothing, staring at the tiles, mentally developing my ToDo list, calculating how many more moving boxes I'd have to buy, what I plan to donate to Goodwill, which stuff is going to Sacramento with me, how will I find a mover to move just a few large things 400 miles, finding a handyman to fix all the broken stuff, researching for a property management company... you know, normal every day stuff.

I climbed into the salt-infused bath and breathed. I closed my eyes and took in the minty mocha aroma. Thirty minutes later, with the water cooled, the book untouched, and the ToDolist uncontemplated, I emerged a new woman, totally relaxed. After drying off, I felt my skin. It was so smooth, not like after lotion, but something else. Needless to say, I couldn't stop touching myself (or is that not needless to say?)

Also? The thing I like about the bag for these bath salts is that it's resealable. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I love things that are resealable. They make my day, that's how much they mean to me.

I've never done a home facial mask thing and had no idea what to expect, but all I had to do was mix a teaspoon of water with a teaspoon of this green powdery stuff and smack it across my face for a few minutes.

Oh! And take a picture, of course:

I see this picture and think Halloween. Or Viet Nam.

But, I gotta say, after I rinsed off and dried, I kept feeling my face all night because it was smooth and tight and clean.

So, thanks for the stuff, Sheila, and if the rest of you are curious about all of her products at Aventine Hill Bath Emporium, check it out!

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a bath. And kill a bug.

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