Okay Day vs. Very Bad Day

Today was mostly an okay day. I say mostly because I'm not feeling so positive now. Yesterday? A Very Bad day. That's what my world consists of right now: okay or Very Bad. There's no in between. Today, I felt like I could almost handle having a baby. I only had a few moments, mostly in the evening, of wishing that I could have a do-over of the entire last year.

Yesterday was Very Bad, in part, because we were at the tail-end of her growth spurt. For over a week, if she wasn't being held, she was crying. Couple that with a sick husband, and it meant no break for me, at all. When she was up and screaming at 5am Monday, it was overload. I spent two hours crying. What made it worse was that I knew I had an appointment at 12:30p. I know I need to get out, but I also hate having to be places because I am stressed about being on time.

The appointment was for the Day Programme at Women & Infants. Apparently, they have some kind of highly recommended, therapy-intensive programme for ladies with PPD. I'd been recommended by my OB, my midwife, and my therapist to go. It's supposed to work wonders, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm willing to give it a go because, honestly, I would try ANYTHING to not feel this way anymore.

What it seems to be is 2 sessions of group therapy, individual therapy, meetings with doctors/psychiatrists/IBCLCs/etc, and a 45 minute meditation session. We also have lunch and snacks involved.

I hope there will be jello.

I'm okay with the individual therapy. I'm fine with seeing psych. What I am really unhappy about is group therapy. I understand that it's an amazing tool for most people, but the idea of having to talk about my problems in front of strangers. I am not comfortable with people crying. And honestly? I hate all kinds of group work. I prefer to work alone. I am also not sure about the guided meditation. Having to sit still and do nothing is akin to torture for me.

I hate that I need this programme. I hate that I feel so embarrassed to need help. I'm terrified that people will find out that I need this kind of help and think I'm a bad parent. It's strange, because I generally am the last person to care what anyone things of me, but in this case, it's reinforcing what my brain is trying to tell me: that I am not fit to do this. I desperately do not want to go.

What's more frustrating is that my intake appointment was yesterday, but I can't start until next Tuesday. I'm having anxiety attacks, my therapist recommended a rescue med for them. I asked at intake and was told that since I am "in the programme", my OB should have no issue prescribing me some thing til they can see me Tuesday. I called my OB who told me no, they couldn't do that, but they'd call the day programme and see about getting a script. Day Programme tells them I'm not and active patient, so if I'm that concerned, I can just go to the ER, but there's no guarantee I'd even get a rescue med from them.

So to reiterate: I'm in need of serious help, but I can't have it til Tuesday. I need meds to get past the anxiety, but no one will give them to me til I start the programme. I feel so positive about this already. It's making my already present anxiety worse. I'm dreading going at all.

And this is where tonight went bad. I want to walk out the door, change my name, and never look back. I am tired of seeing the baby and feeling nothing for her. I am tired of wishing I'd never done this or wishing I had my old life back. I want to cry thinking about have to do this tomorrow, about how Steven won't be home at all on Saturday, and we're having guests Sunday. That means two full weeks with no break at all. I can't do this; I don't know why I thought I ever could.

I'll be crying myself to sleep now.


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