The Older Younger Woman and the Female Cub

                                                                                                           - T.S. Dickey

Older women have always been versatile, life has seen to that quality.  Yet, we are finding freedoms in so many areas that flexibility of choices does not eliminate romantic concerns, problems or heartache.

What happens when a Prime Cougar’s cub is a younger woman?  Do the dynamics of your relationship change?  Is the social reaction from your friends and neighbors the same as if the cub was a younger man?

Although Cougars and Cubs have elicited mixed reactions from the public, what about the double ‘taboo’ of older woman with younger woman? Recently, that question was raised by a reader who found herself in this ‘usual’ but not often discussed dilemma.  The same problems seemed to be in line with the problems older women and younger men faced in their relationships.  Do we become exclusive, will we have children, who will be the full-time caregiver and so on and so on.

I found this reader’s question very intriguing for many reasons but mostly because of the duality of social norms it misplaced.  The older woman in this relationship was a professional with a very high level lifestyle.  She had been married in her younger years, given birth and eventually divorced.  Although she was aware of her lesbianism at an early age, she married a trusted friend (who was also gay) and they had children through in vitro fertilization so that they could be parents then ended the marriage at what they deemed to be ‘the appropriate time’.

Fast forward twenty-five years and our lady is now an older lesbian who prefers younger women.  She meets, falls in love and plans to marry her ‘cub’ but the younger woman wants children.  The reaction is the same as older women who date younger men who want children so that they can experience the joys of parenthood.  The dynamics of gender does not change anything.

How would you explain to your same sex partner that you do not want children to interfere with your freedom to explore the world through travel, entertainment and, of course, selfish indulgence in her without competition? 

The same way you would a male cub – just tell her.  Be honest about your choice not to relive your life when children dominated your world.  Be honest about not wanting to have the day-to-day responsibility of raising children for twenty-five years (includes college – okay?).  And, be honest about the fact that you want all of her attention (just like his for heterosexual Prime Cougars).

Is it selfish to feel this way when you are involved with a younger woman (or man) who has never had children but you have?  Yes, it is.  Is it selfish to end a relationship with someone for whom you care for because they want to experience what you already have?  Yes, it is.  Should you end a relationship with your love interest because they truly want to become a parent? 

Yes, you should. 

If you honestly cannot accept the children of the person you claim to love - then you are not good for the woman (or man) and the child.  Are you being selfish because you feel the way you do?  No, you are not.  But you would be highly selfish if you denied your partner the right to experience life the way you have. If the ultimatum is children or not (and you truly do not want a child) end the relationship for the sake of your partner and for your right to remain within your own choices.

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