Gold Medal Style: Olympic Looks Through the Ages

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Ahhh, the Summer Olympics. Time to gather the family around the TV, pop open some fizzy drinks, and MAKE FUN OF ATHLETES' OUTFITS. Because that's what sports are really about, right? I mean, why else would The Lakers have worn hot pants when I was growing up?

Although our Olympic ancestors provided us plenty to gawk at, TEAM 2012 is taking things to new heights with everyone from Silver Foxes to Celebrity Spawn getting in on the action (both Stella McCartney and Cedella Marley are designing for their national teams, Great Britain and Jamaica respectively). And what better way to kick off our Olympic Fashion Slide Show than with the US's very own, 2012 Ralph Lauren Designed Olympic Team Opening Ceremony Uniforms.

Um, Ralph? I don't think dressing our athletes like a bunch of Ivy League Yacht Rockers is the way to ingratiate ourselves to the rest of the world.

Image courtesy of Ralph Lauren

NEXT: FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE! -->

 

Apparently I missed the memo that the opening ceremony is prime time to humiliate your athletes. But the Russian '08 Team didn't. Check out the faces on the male models: If Looks Could Kill ...

Jun 08, 2008 - Moscow, Russia - Presentation of uniforms for Russian Olympic Team in Beijing 2008 (Credit Image: PhotoXpress/ZUMAPRESS.com)

 

NEXT: HAIR APPARENT-->

 

So weird, I had no idea John Holmes won an Olympic Medal.

 

Jul 27, 1976; Montreal, Canada; Runner EDWIN MOSES (C) wins Gold and sets new World Record in the 400 meter dash. Pictured: MICHAEL SHINE (L) wins Silver and Soviet GAURILENKO wins Bronze at the Olympic Games 1976 in Montreal. (Credit Image: KEYSTONE Pictures USA/ZUMAPRESS.com)

NEXT: VIVA LE COQ! -->

 

Tony Longoria Parker and his French basketball teammate Boris Diaw are pretty psyched about those cocks on their nipples for the 2012 London Games.

June 26, 2012 - Paris, France - Boris Diaw/Tony Parker (Credit Image: © Panoramic/ZUMAPRESS.com)

NEXT: ALWAYS A BRIDESMAID -->

 

 

Nancy Kerrigan was a vision in Vera Wang when she competed against splotchy mess Tonya Harding. Tonya still came out on top in the "break her f-ing  kneecaps" category, though.

NANCY KERRIGAN AND TONYA HARDING .FIGURE SKATING LILLEHAMMER 1994 .2/17/1994.‚©NTB/(Credit Image: © Globe Photos/ZUMAPRESS.com)

 

NEXT: POINT AND SHOOT -->

 

 

 

In 1908 archery was one of the few sports in which women were eligible to compete. Bustles were worn in case they were shot in the ass.

 

Sybil "Queenie" Newall during the archery competition at the 1908 Summer Olympics in London. Source: Illustration in the "Fourth Olympiad 1908 London Official Report" published by the British Olympic Association in 1909 {{PD-old}} [[Category:Sportspeople]]

NEXT: MELTING COLD HEARTS -->

 

 

In 1984, Sarajevo set out to put its best foot forward while the world watched. So obviously they paired four of their country's most beautiful women with ... that thing.

 Dec 01, 1984; Sarajevo, YUGOSLAVIA; Pretty young Yugoslavian girls pictured in the city of Sarajevo, then part of former Yugoslavia, during the first Winter Olympic Games held in a Socialist country.

 

NEXT: PAJAMA JAM -->

 

The Norwegian Men's Curling Team forgot their pants at home during the 2010 Vancouver Games.  Luckily they all had matching pajamas.

Feb. 27, 2010 - Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada - The norwegian uniform is colourful..The Men's curling gold medal match was held this afternoon betwwen Canada and Norway at the Vancouver Olympic Centre during the 2010 Winter Olympics. (Credit: © Richard Lautens/The Toronto Star/ZUMApress.com)

 

NEXT: STONE COLD SPIRIT -->

 

In London, even the statues are getting in to the Olympic spirit ... complete with monokinis c/o the Handmade revolution.  

London, England, UK - Statues at Somerset House get an Olympic make-over with knitted versions of Team GB's 2012 kit, by artist Kirsty Howe. (Credit Image: © Nigel Howard/Evening Standard/ZUMA Press)

 

NEXT: SHOCK AND AWE -->


And bringing us up to the minute, I leave you with the hideous Face-Dresses that shocked the world at this year's Opening Ceremony.  In the most hateful show of appreciation ever, the faces belong to the citizens who volunteered to act as Ushers for the 2012 games. Can you imagine seeing them all lined up on a rack?

LONDON, July 27, 2012 Faces of the citizens who applied for the ushers of the London 2012 Olympic Games are seen on an usher's T-shirt during the opening ceremony of the London 2012 Olympic Games in London, Britain, on July 27, 2012. (Credit Image: © Liao Yujie/Xinhua/ZUMAPRESS.com)


What does your Olympic wardrobe consist of? I like to wear a red white and blue sequined leotard, for pure awesome.

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