OMG, IUI, HCG, WTH: The Things They Don't Tell You About Insemination

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OMG, IUI, HCG, WTH!

Look at what you get to learn about when you mention the word fertility. You don’t learn these terms unless you’re older, have had a miscarriage, or are actively trying to get pregnant and it doesn’t work.

I was not worried about getting pregnant. We were pregnant already. Then we miscarried twins and started hearing things like, “Well, at your age… you should really… call my doctor… blah blah.”

I said no to Clomid (the drug to make you ovulate) because I was ovulating and drugs freak me out. Although those pain meds when I broke my leg were fun; I’ll admit it. I didn’t feel clomid was necessary and I did not want to go through hardcore doctor visits and dive into the fertility world. I believe it will work when it’s meant to work.

After we got married, I went for a check-up and our doctor suggested we at least try an IUI to move things along -- my age and all. Puke. Vomit. Scream. Fine. But no Clomid. She said she could do it without the drug, all my blood work was healthy and why not just try to ya know… move things along.

Why do I have to hurry things along? Oh, right, I’m old. Bullshit. Fine. I’ll do it.

IUI IS NOT ART

IUI stands for Intrauterine insemination. I see two Is but where’s the U? Oh, Intra-Uterine… Okay, I hate everyone. This whole process makes no sense; it’s perfect that even the acronyms are confusing. There’s another one I just learned too: ART -- assisted reproductive technology procedure (wouldn’t that be ARTP?). But IUI is not listed as ART since it does not involve the manipulation of eggs. IUF is ART; that’s a whole other post.

Ahhhhhhhh!!!

You think that is confusing or annoying? Try having any of this done and dealing with the front desk, making appointments and following the instructions that are NOT provided in a clear, concise manner. I mean really, where is the laminated step-by-step sheet, people?

OMG WTH is IUI?

What the hell is an IUI?

IUI is the process of your doctor or nurse taking the sperm, spinning it in a fancy machine to “clean” it. Eww. Then shooting it up in a thin tube past your cervix (NO ONE tells you that hurts) to get the sperm up in your uterus, as close to the fallopian tube that has the egg in it.

Oh, by the way like I said in my 21 Reasons Why I Hate Everyone, there is no place for your mate to provide the sperm easily in the office, or down the hall or in the bathroom. No. He has to drive with it in a cup under his armpit and get it to the hospital within an hour. No pressure.

They do an ultrasound a few days before to see if you have a follicle, aka future egg (nothing is simple in this process and NOTHING is easily explained). They look to see which tube your future egg is in. Having follicles is the problem and why they put women on Clomid so often, because it helps create follicles -- aka little future babies waiting in the tubes.

I did not take Clomid and there was a future egg anyway, waiting. See. The doctor was happy and said go home and come back in 36 hours after we do the shot. Yes, there’s a shot. You have to take that annoying HCG shot -- at home! The shot gives you a surge of "release the egg" stuff it and ovulation begins.

After the awful debacle about getting the shot in hand -- not all pharmacies carry it so it’s a mail-in and takes 5-10 days. Ah... the appointment is in one day. WTF. Who told us about mail-order-shots? NO ONE.

Luckily the pharmacist in the hospital hooked us up with the shot with a long eye-roll about how insane the health care system is and how it’s about to get a whole lot worse. Don’t let Obama Care fool you he said, it will be Oh-Bummer Care. Interesting. At this point I’m starting to believe that. Gimme that shot.

IUI Shot
Credit: Belly injection shot via Shutterstock.

HCG SHOT – at Home!

Yes, we had to do that at home. Why the doc doesn’t do it in the office is beyond me. I also ask myself again why my husband has to carry his baby sauce in a cup under his arm. Note to self -- don’t ask so much.

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