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According to a report in the March 8th Archives of Internal Medicine, women who drink 5 to 30 grams of alcohol a day are less likely to get fat. Don't carry a handy gram counter with you wherever you go? No app for that yet? Not to worry: basically this means you can have a half glass of wine, a can of beer, or a shot of Jack, depending upon who's buying.
My Drink of Choice (DOC) is Captain & Coke. If my friend Adella orders them for me, it's a Captain & Diet Coke (which she calls a "Skinny Pirate" and I call "Captain & Blech!") This is beside the point, however; what I take exception to is the idea that all drinks are created equal when it comes to weight control. My own personal research has resulted in a far different conclusion: One drink a day only works if you're single and that drink is wine. How do I know this? Because I drink quite a bit and nobody would accuse me of getting any skinnier-but every unattached woman I know who drinks wine is able to zip her jeans without lying down on the bed.
Take for example a recent night out with several of my girlfriends. Girlfriend A (GFA) is a beautiful platinum blonde DJ with an ass to die for (it's Savannah Jones, so you can stop guessing). Girlfriend B (GFB) is another gorgeous blonde whose body is sheer perfection (Robin, this is you.) Needless to say, I secretly detest both GFA and GFB and avoid them whenever possible because by comparison, I am a sweaty female version of Shrek. Also in the party are Girlfriend C (GFC), a zaftig redhead with the face of a angel (love ya, Heather) and Adella (who defies description and a three-letter acronym).
Both GFA and GFB drink wine, almost exclusively. Me, GFC and Adella drink everything else. Of course, GFA and GFB are also both single...while the rest of us are married. Which proves my other point: Having a husband makes it necessary to drink something stronger than wine, and definitely more than one shot. In fact, my research has determined that for every hour you spend in the company of your spouse, a minimum of two shots is required to maintain something resembling sanity.
I say "minimum" because there are occasions when only full-on intoxication will keep you from ending up on the evening news for "accidentally" putting a pillow over his head in his sleep.("I don't know what happened, officer. I just wanted him to stop snoring.") Some of those occasions include: Dismembering a deer on your formal dining room table; being completely ignored when you've gone to the trouble of shaving your legs, applying make-up and wearing a push-up bra; and spending a whole Saturday in your bathrobe playing Mafia Wars (that's right, I'm talking about YOU, Bryon.)
So here's the bottom line: If you want your bottom line to stay thin, drink wine everywhere you can...except at your wedding.
Michele Coppola is a Portland-based writer and former radio personality whose most recent work has been published in the feminist journals So To Speak and Melusine. Find her blog at www.coppolawords.com
