The One with Nest or Flight
So a couple posts back I mentioned that I was in nesting mode, making the apartment cozy and homey. I finally came to terms with the fact that this is where I live, so I should make it my own. This feeling has come to an abrupt end. Now that my last semester has begun, we're in the "what's next" phase of marriage and/or life. When faced with the opportunity for change, I struggle with the urge to either nest or flight. On one hand, I want to settle down in a cute little house in South Carolina and fill it up with baked goods and DIY projects. This desire is amplified by how much I miss my family and friends. On the other hand, there's the desire to drive away from all familiarity and go, see, do. My head is telling me, "Kaitlin Hunter! Now is the time to go anywhere and everywhere. You have so few responsibilities, and that will not last. Seize this opportunity. YOTTO (you're only twenty-two once)." But my heart says "go back to South Carolina where it's warm and you know of a couple churches that aren't crazy." Because seriously, Charlottesville, why aren't there sane churches here? The reasons for going somewhere familiar are so emotionally charged, which makes the decision that much harder. And as much as I want to be the adventurous person who moves somewhere without learning the language first, I'm also terrified of the loneliness that comes from that. I've heard that sometimes women are more afraid of giving birth the second time around because they know the pain that is coming. The thought of moving to another country again terrifies me more than it did the first time because I remember how homesick I was. It's literally the first time in my life that I was actually sick because I missed home. I loved being there but I hated not being here (there = Denmark, here = USA). Despite this fear, the two things that keep me coming back to the urge to move is 1) my argument for moving somewhere new is way more sound than my argument for retreating and 2) I have a husband. He's cute and tall and supports me always. He loves adventure too, and wherever we go, we go as a team. That makes a pretty big difference. While it would be nice to find a stable job and open up a Roth IRA this year, I can't help but think it would be a hell of a lot cooler to teach science in a rural Bolivian village, if only because I can save for retirement any old time, but being able to see and experience the world will give way to being a soccer mom at some point.