Only Yes Means Yes; Taking a Stand Against "Gray Rape."

“The opposite of rape is not consent. The opposite of rape is enthusiasm” Hugo Schwyzer

I've been thinking a lot about rape lately. Specifically because there seems to be some confusion over it, and that surprises me. See, it's pretty black and white to me.

But then, I would never have sex with someone who's so drunk that there's vomit all over them. I would never have sex with someone who seemed remotely uncomfortable and/or miserable. I would never have sex with anyone who didn't look me right in the eye, or whisper to me straight in my ear, and fully communicate that they want to be with me. Clearly, no one should be doing that, right?

Only Yes means Yes.

Anyone having sex without enthusiastic consent is messed up in my book. And if you have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you, that's rape.

Cupcate over at DollyMix, in her post Gray matters: feminist bloggers battle over the "gray rape" debate, tells us:

The (unfortunate) hot topic amongst feminist bloggers this week has been "gray rape". Cosmopolitan fueled this debate by asking their readers to write in and share their stories of "gray rape", which they define as being, "a situation in which they never intended to have sex, but wound up forced into it because until that point, they'd been a willing participant". Yeah, so in other words, RAPE.

From Jezebel: 'Cosmo' Wonders: Is It Rape If You Had Too Many Jaeger Shots To Remember It Anyway? YES. If you said no, it's rape. And the person who raped you, RAPED YOU. If someone drinks and then drives and then kills someone, that's a crime. If someone drinks and then has sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with them, it's rape. This isn't rocket science. Moe Tkacik at Jezebel disagrees. Kinda.

...this one time about nine years ago I got locked out of my house and went home with some vaguely smarmy hair-product using type from my ex-boyfriend's frat. I had slept with maybe two or three guys prior to that -- it was the summer between sophomore and junior year of college -- so when he, after about a half hour of fooling around, put on a condom I was like, "Whooooah, what are you doing?" But I'd had two forties and I kept drifting in and out of consciousness -- my tolerance, obviously, wasn't what it is today -- and I woke up to find him sticking it in. I'd said 'no' a bunch of times and when I came to I just froze, stopped, turned over and slept...

...I remember that sexual experience a little more vividly than most of the consensual sexual experiences I've undergone in a similar state of intoxication, but neither sentiment makes it RAPE, does it? It's something, "date rape" I guess, but it's not rape unless I say it was, right?

All of which is a poignant, personal way of alerting you to the fact that Cosmo has come up with a new name for this kind of nonviolent collegiate date-rape sort of happening: gray rape.

Ann Friedman at Feministing says, Call it what it is. Moe at Jezebel replies, 'Cosmo' Tells Me I Was 'Gray Raped'; Feministing Says It Was Rape. Are We Really Arguing About This?

Yes, we are. And I can't believe it either. Ann spells out the common sense for those who aren't getting it in "Gray Rape," cont...

Ok, I'll repeat myself and say that the definition of rape does not change depending on its empowering/disempowering effect on the people involved, or whether they choose to use the word "rape." And rape isn't something that's committed only by guys who are OMG PURE EVIL. Even if 99% of the time he's an upstanding citizen and all-around awesome dude, but he still wouldn't listen that one time when you said "no," he's still a rapist -- and it's still rape.

Over at Pandagon, Amanda Marcotte puts it this way in a post called Cooties:

When I was 20 years old, I had a car accident that could have gone very, very badly. I was on a long drive back to West Texas from Austin for Christmas. When a squirrel* jumped in front of my car, I pulled the wheel before I really had a chance to think about it, and since I was on the narrowest part of the journey, on a two-lane highway with no shoulders on the side of the road, I immediately hit dirt at 75 mph and began to spin out of control across the highway. I hit a road sign on the other side, which levered my car straight up into the air, god only knows how far, but it was enough that it started spinning. And I thought as I was hanging upside down in the air,** “This is how people die.”

But the car kept spinning. Enough that it didn’t a 180 but a 360 and I landed on all four tires. Not dead. Not even hurt. The car was fucked up but the only inside-the-cab damage was a few bows flying off presents. I was so relieved to be alive that “traumatized” wasn’t even in the ballpark of feelings. I was fine. In fact, I felt guilty about how fine I felt, how relieved it wasn’ as bad as it could have been.

It was still a car accident.

Pissed off about "Gray Rape"? The New York City Alliance Against Sexual Assault has launched The NYC Media Response Project Letter Writing Campaign, "No Such Thing as Gray Rape."

Letter Writing Party Wednesday, August 22 at 6:30pm to 8:00pm at the New York City Alliance Against Sexual Assault, 27 Christopher Street, between Seventh and Eighth Avenue, Subway: A,B,C,F,V,2,3. The evening will start with a workshop giving practical tips on media activism and end with your final draft. Munchies will be provided. For those who can't attend, please read the article and write Cosmo on your own at cosmo@hearst.com

OK, my post is a little late notice for the Letter Writing Party if you didn't know about it before, but perhaps they will hold another one if the response is building. Meanwhile, I encourage you to email Cosmo directly. Over at When She Speaks I Hear the Revolution, Stephanie Novak offers her letter in her post, There is no gray in rape.

My favorite post on this topic comes from Hugo Schwyzer (whose quote I opened this post with): Not just consent but enthusiasm: some notes on college sex workshops and stoplights.

The message that needs to be repeated over and over again is this one: true consent is never tacit, it is never silent. Too many young men become date rapists by confusing silence with a clear, verbal affirmation. “No means no”, but with folks you don’t know well, you need to presume that silence (especially when accompanied by physical passivity) is also a loud, clear, shout-it-from-the-flippin’-rooftops, “NO!” How many women have had sex they didn’t desire with men they didn’t want simply because they were too tired of fighting, too tired of resisting, too eager to just have it over with?

Finally, I am planning to shoot a PSA in 2008 with the tagline "Only Yes Means Yes." If you are interested in helping out with this project in any way, please email me at onlyyesmeansyes *at* earthlink *dot* net.

Comments

A situation I never understood..

I was an RA for 3 yrs in undergrad and I had my fair share of events when it came to underage drinking, drugs and ever famous roomate conflicts. However there was one distinct (what this article would call "gray rape") incident, that left me baffled and a little confused.
Two senior students (male & female) met at a club earlier that evening. Both came back to girl's campus apt. quite drunk. Hang out with other roomates before proceeding to girl's room where they had sex. Following morning, both parties surprised of the evenings events. The girl reported the incident as rape the following day. The situation followed to take sides with the female student, although roomates as witnesses insisted both were drunk. The male student was expelled. Not sure if this went further into the court system.
I think this was unfair to some extent considering witnesses all testified that both were very drunk. It makes you wonder where does the man's rights comes in. Why was he automatically punished if both were under the influence? Not sure if this is termed "gray rape". But's its definately a situation to consider.

Submitted by keezii on Thu, 08/30/2007 - 08:44

Not enough details

It's difficult to judge the situation without all the details that went into the decision to expel. Did she get a rape kit? Did she report a crime?

But both drunk or not, if she said no, it's rape.

You know, I get drunk a lot, and I don't think it's OK to hit people with my car, get into fights, rob stores, or even take my cloths off and run down the street. Sure, people get drunk, but even drunk, most of us still have the ability to not commit crimes. There's something going on when you allow alcohol to allow you to commit crimes. On some level, you're already thinking it's OK, or that you have a right.

Keezii, your main concern is that "witnesses all testified that both were very drunk." But if you hit someone with your car, you don't get to say, yes, but I was very drunk. If you get in a bar fight and shoot someone, you don't get to say, yes, but I was very drunk. And if you end up drunk in a dorm room and your partner doesn't want to have sex, you don't get to have sex with them anyway and then say, yes, but we were very drunk.

Further, historically we say, well, both parties were drunk, so we can't hold the rapist responsible for commiting a crime. And we put the onus on the victim for getting drunk. We teach people how not to get raped, but we don't teach people not to rape. This is absurd! This leads to drunk people raping because clearly, they don't consider rape the same way they consider armed robbery or even driving. That's a problem.

Thank you for your comment.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess and On The Lot.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Fri, 08/31/2007 - 08:48

maybe i didnt tell you enough

i agree with all what you've said. alcohol should not excuse rape.
maybe i should have went deeper into the story, to explain my reasons for terming it unfair.
the female student had a boyfriend (not male student) when the event took place and planned many weeks ahead of time with friends and roomates to hook-up with the male student on this night while boyfriend was away. it was only the day after the event took place and her boyfriend finding out what transpired; that she became very angry and decided to call in authorities. her roomates acknowledged that both students were speaking and laughing over the event in the morning after figuring out what happened. she even spoke about what she remembered prior to getting drunk at the club with friends.
im not a lawyer or detective, but something didnt seem right. why would her roomates and friends state all this if it wasnt true? doesnt make sense why they would side with an allegded rapist.
also if all night shes enjoying her time with him and situations lead to sex, where both are too intoxicated to make right decisions, why should the guy take automatic penalty. and..why was it not a problem before the boyfriend found out?
to answer your questions.. she did not have a rape kit done nor did she report the crime. thats most or all i know of this case and all is factual.

Submitted by keezii on Fri, 08/31/2007 - 13:09