By melaflin on June 24, 2014
I was on vacation last week. It was amazing. Nice week away. At the beach. With my family. With my boys.
Time to think. Time to be away from the mess. Time to reflect.
Reflecting on 16 years of marriage. 26 years of friendship.
Reflection is interesting. You see things you never saw. You are clear in what someone was doing. You can see he never loved you. And while it sounds harsh? It’s all true. I spend the week reflecting.
He almost had me. Almost. I almost believed him again, before I left. Believed in the person I thought I knew. He almost caught me. The right words. The right way. He almost had me settle this thing. Quietly. Over. Over would be the easy way. Over would put it behind us. Over.
Nope….then I had a flash of intelligence. When you let the person you are cheating with open their mouth, before I even left the building, you realize you were about to be duped. Again.
I won’t be duped. I won’t believe. I won’t hope for a peaceful resolution. I just won’t.
Here I go:
You can have your boyfriend. You can be “in a relationship” and “in a complicated relationship”. You profess love on Facebook. You can send your sappy love songs each other’s page. You can have this “whatever” go back until 2011. You can continue to be a wuss and have HIM write all the nasty things about me, about my family, that you wish you had the balls to write yourself. That’s your way. You hide. You’ve hidden for years…now you have a person to do all the things you wish you could. No different than our marriage — you just have a new, younger person to do it. Almost too young, some might think.
There’s a trail. A trail on internet 6 lanes wide and many miles long. A trail of your indiscretions. A trail blazed in a lack of respect for anyone. Because? You are selfish.
Now it’s – “In a relationship” then “single” then “In a relationship w/ (insert fake name)” then “I love you” then “it’s over”. It’s a ridiculous 7th grade soap opera of fake identities and pictures. But? It’s admissible. Be sure you reference it. I certainly will.
But you live there now. That’s your normal. Have an awesome time there. Don’t bring your boys into it — that’s all I ask. Don’t subject them into the fake majority of your life now. They are living, breathing, smart boys. They deserve no part of this fake fantasy life you love now. They need to continue to believe in the real world and real people that love them. That care for them. Continue that. Continue being a dad.
I’ve walked into complacency. It’s a nice place. You’ve lived there for a while. It took me longer to get here — complacency. I’d rather never have to deal with you, speak to you, or have you in my life. But? We have those amazing boys. So? I’m stuck with you.
I want my boys to be loved. I have never said anything badly about you to the boys. I want them to continue their love for you. They will always need their dad.
My reflection deals with closing the chapter with you. Period. In the hands of lawyers and court rooms. You can figure out one day, how you made my entire marriage a lie. I’ll have the boys…the one good thing to come from it. The only good thing.
I understand people say “Oh, you will start to remember the good parts.” No, I won’t. I’ll be thankful for my kids. The only benefit of 16 years. The rest? A waste of time and energy. Completely unnecessary to allow your selfishness.
The person I believed in? Never existed. And never will. Reflection brought me here. And it will be done soon.
Hatefully Plowing Through a Much Needed Divorce And? Reflecting
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