To those I have wronged, I am truly and very sorry for who I was, I have no excuses for my former behavior. I was in a very bad place in my life, I took my anger out on the wrong people, I hurt people and did not behave very well, I thank God that I am not living there anymore. I can and will understand if I am not forgiven by certain people, I can accept that now. I can only pray that one day, that one day each person will see me for who I am and let go of the person I once was. I have been able to let go of her, let go of the burden of the guilt and condemnation that I forced myself to carry for too long. trust me I beat myself for so long, that I am starting to heal from it all with God's help. I can only pray that one day, God will bring us together or our paths will cross, so that you can get to know me who for I am now, not who I was.
I will never go backwards to that dark place, to that person I once was, I am heading forward, with my head held high looking towards the light. I can and will admit I have made many mistakes in my life. I am not proud of who I was, what I did and what I said even. I take full responsibility for what I have done wrong, against God and others. I cannot change my past, I can only work on who I am now and look forward to who I am becoming everyday. I have taken time to go to the Cross, admit my sins, I have repented and turned my life back to God. I am not who I was in my childhood, early adulthood or last year even, I am so much different than who I was. I am not where I want to be, all I can say is thank God that I am far from who I used to be and I am definitely well on my way to continued improvement on a daily basis. Thank you Jesus for helping me change.
I needed to write this out today, as tomorrow is the day of my oldest daughter Amber's graduation, it's killing me that I will not be attending her graduation. We haven't seen each other since 2005 or 2006, we don't speak to each other. The last communication we had with each other was 2008, when I sent her a birthday card, it came back with words on it that cut me to the deepest part of my core. I also sent her and her sister, Hannah a Christmas card, both were returned with cruel words on them. I never really gave up on them, I continued to call them and leave messages on their father's voice mail, with no return calls in years. Today, I admitted to my sister, Ginni that I screwed up by leaving them with their father back in 2002. I can't say being with Ron is a mistake or a screw up, it was how I went about leaving them with their father that was the screw up. I will not apologize for following my heart and falling in love with Ron. For those who don't know Ron is my ex-husband's step brother and that is forever held over my head by so many people who were not involved directly, yet seem to think it's okay to hold it over my head. Trust me, I carried that guilt for about 8 years and I was able to let it go, once I got back to church. I was able to talk to my former pastor about it and go to the cross with that big sin and guilt. I do not carry that condemnation with me, or the guilt, even if the world wants to use it against me.
Please understand that up until today, I have carried this huge, heavy weight on my shoulders, that I never allowed anyone to know about, that was killing me. I never let anyone know how much this has been eating away at me, how much it kills me on a daily basis. I wouldn't talk to God about it, I didn't want to admit, that I messed up, that meant letting go of the pride and ego, OUCH that hurts big time. I had so much pride and ego that to admit that I messed up on this was too hard for me. I am at a place, where I can admit it. I left my daughters with their father, in their beds sleeping peacefully. I didn't want them to see us fighting again, I didn't want them involved in this final fight. I didn't want my daughters to go through what I could go through for the next few years, the instability, the strife, the stress and drama of my life. I was in a very bad place, I didn't know myself anymore, I didn't want to live my life anymore. I didn't like myself, that led me to hate God, the world and everyone in it. Everyone in my destructive path that I was creating, I didn't care who got hurt, I was hurting so deeply that I couldn't see past my own selfish pain. I was so very selfish back then and I am ashamed of the woman I was, in the same token I am happy I am not her anymore. I don't feel the need to lash out and hurt others, I have learned to take it to the cross and give it all up to God. Now, I can admit through the sobs of this morning, that while it hurt like hell to admit to God and my two sisters, Ginni and Kim that I screwed, it still felt good to let this out. It was bittersweet healing that my entire being needed today of all days.
I am not lying when I say my entire body fell on the floor, sobbing, hyperventilating and sobbing more, trying to text them both, it turned to talk to text messages in between the sobs. I called Amber's and Hannah's father's house, his girlfriend answered, I was taken aback, no one has answered my calls in 9 years. I asked if Amber was there, I wanted to talk to her so badly and ask her forgiveness. I wanted to tell Amber how proud I am of her for graduating, tell her how much I love her and think of her. Maybe, I would get the chance to talk to Hannah and tell her the same thing. His girlfriend, was not friendly by any means, I asked her to tell them I love them and am proud of them, she said "MMHMM." and hung up. I lost it more, I couldn't stop crying. I let Ginni and Kim know about it, both suggested I write the girls a letter, which I will do. I already tried to do it, my hand was shaking so badly, you couldn't read a word I wrote, I need to do this and really think about what I want to say. I don't want to bash their father, them or his girlfriend as that is not right to do.
Poor Chloe, tried to calm me down by snuggling into me, she didn't understand as she is a puppy, all she knew was that Mommy is crying and on the floor. After text messaging with them, I prayed hard, wrote in my journal and then opened my devotions, God has impeccable timing!! He answers prayers and comforts those of us who are broken and damaged by our own sins and the sins imposed against us. He gave me Psalm 37 and Psalm 46.
"Being responsible is what makes us honorable people"
"We should never be afraid to admit that we are wrong about something or someone (I added this one), or that we have made a mistake."
"When we make excuses we are lying to ourselves as well as others."
"Taking full responsibility for our actions is possibly one of the most emotionally painful things that we face in life."
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions of those who made excuses for not doing the right thing now but said they intended to do it later."
"People of integrity take responsibility for their actions"
"When a person is committed to being responsible, you can count on them to be dependable."
- Face the truth and be honest. State the problem out loud. Say it to God, yourself and someone you trust. James 5:16 16 "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."
- Don't have unrealistic expectations. Set realistic goals. Don't make commitments, that is not intended to follow through with.
- Stop complaining.
- Be aggressive. Don't procrastinate.
- Find a solution to obstacles.
"If we make excuses and blame others for our mistakes, we give up our power to change."
"Truth is a powerful weapon, and when faced squarely, it will help you to become the person you say you want to be."