Hey there Fox,

cough.

So listen... You and me? We kinda need to talk.

Fox, I know we've have had our problems in the past. And I know that in anger and frustration, I've said some things online that may have hurt and offended you. Or rather, I've intentionally said some things with the expressed purpose and aim of hurting and offending you. Because seriously, dude, setting aside the whole stealing-my-copyright-protected-content-and-broadcasting-it-on-national-tv thing (good times, good times), and the whole mangling the greatness of "Kitchen Confidential" thing (quoth USA Today: "...odds are that the folks in this Kitchen are about to find out why so many restaurants — and sitcoms — close in the first year." -- I SO CALLED IT! [pumps fist]), there were also the unspeakable crimes you committed against my beloved "Kitchen Nightmares" (what do you people have against kitchens, anyway?), and it's probably best if we don't even get into the matter of "Paradise Hotel" (douchebags check in, but they don't check out! (well, at least not without some kind of nasty rash in need of topical ointments or perhaps even a course of Cipro)). After all, I'm not made of stone, Fox. If you cut me, I bleed. If you broadcast "Temptation Island" I'll watch it, feel disgusted, scream at inanimate objects as though they were cognizant of the despicable behavior and attendant emotional carnage unfolding on the screen before us under the laughable guise of "entertainment," then get another bowl of ice cream, hate myself, question god and the worth of the entire human race, weep into the now-emptied-of-ice-cream bowl, set a season pass on my DVR and... well, you get the idea. This madness must end. IT MUST END TONIGHT.

Because I see what's coming, oh yes I do. I can feel it deep in my bones (actually, that may just be a touch of the osteoporosis -- I've been running a deficit with regard to my calcium consumption for quite some time now). And when a warm wind blows in from the west, tinged with Pacific Ocean brine and the moldering scent of sweat-drenched UGGs, I can almost smell it.

You're going to try to cancel "Dollhouse," aren't you? AREN'T YOU? Yeah, well you should be ashamed of yourself. Yes, even more than usual.

Dawg, listen yo. "American Idol" aside [coughWaningFranchisecough] "Dollhouse" is the only game in town for you. It practically justifies your otherwise questionable existence. It is, in a word, redemptive. Please allow me to explain.

Let's face facts, Fox: "House" and "24" are dogs who've had their day. You can keep milking them for a few more seasons sure, and profitably no doubt. But the writing's on the wall there and both of us know it. It's like the last few seasons of "The X-Files," when Chris Carter had reached that sad but inevitable point where, drained of truly inventive and engaging storytelling like "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose" and "Humbug," he began to rely almost entirely on a hokey narrative arc that increasingly resembled a snake swallowing its own tail, a narrative in love with itself, a mythology spellbound by its own perplexing mythos. But in the end, however badly we Want To Believe (heh, geddit?) in a show, there comes a point when putting a fork in it is an act of mercy.

Regardless, the truth is that despite our rocky past I was genuinely excited for you when I heard you'd tapped Joss Whedon for a show (who, incidentally I've been known to stalk a time or two... and, okay, encourage others to do the same, fine, yes, GUILTY!). It seemed to speak of a new maturity on your part, in terms of taste-level if nothing else. For the first time in years, I managed to speak of you without hurling insults. It was progress, marked growth, I thought. And when the show finally aired earlier this year, I beamed with something like actual pride.

And then I was, well, disappointed. Because as much as I love the previous productions of Mr. Whedon -- and indeed I SO do -- following the initial rush of the pilot, the show seemed kind of... meh? Lacking in a certain... Whedonyness? A bit devoid of Whedonacity? Not as Whedontastic as I'd hoped? YES. THAT.

And despite what might appear from the outside to be irrational fanaticism on my part, I consciously chose to move on rather than try to talk myself into believing it was a better show than I actually thought it was. And now, the letting go. Le sigh.

But then I started to hear things. Good things, and from good people whose opinions I respected and trusted. I started to hear that after the first few somewhat stunted and stifled episodes, the show took a fantastic turn -- that it basically became the show I'd hoped it would be when I first read of it a year or so back. So I tuned in again. And they were right. Almost precisely at the sixth episode mark, an episode entitled "Man On The Street," the show positively blooms. It transforms itself from a flat, wholly plot-driven Sci-Fi-ish drama in almost literally the blink of an eye, morphing into this whip-smart, arresting, 3-dimensional exploration of identity and memory, of the boundaries of the body, mind, and something like the soul. But, like, in a completely kick-ass and entertaining way. In other words, it gets TOTALLY Whedony. Curious, that. So curious, in fact, that I did some research on it. YES, I KNOW HOW TO RESEARCH THINGS. I... have Google. cough.

And lo, you know what I found out, Fox? That it was you that pushed for the first episodes of "Dollhouse" to be 'stand-alones', ie: not part of a larger, deeper, more intricate and finely wrought narrative arc, ie: not  the kind of thing that the actual brains and creative force behind the show, Mr. Whedon, does best. And the dramatic upswing in quality and depth, at episode six precisely? Well it just so happens that that's the first episode Whedon wrote himself since the pilot, and it's also when you apparently stopped trying to micromanage the man's creative impulses. Eliza Dushku, star of "Dollhouse," shared this insightful nugget on the matter with the A.V. Club:

"...people have said that the show took off once they finally realized that
Joss is best off left alone to do his thing. That happens around
episode six—six through 13 are just extraordinary. I love one, two,
three, four, and five, but Joss’ first script that he did after the
pilot is number six, which is called “Man On The Street,” and it is
just unbelievable. From that point on, the world unfolds in Joss’ way,
with Joss’ speed, and it’s really remarkable."

To which I say: INDEED. And also: WORD.

Really, Fox, try to be sensible. Can you not see as I do the promise inherent in this show? Can you not see the greatness of it, and the even greaterness that could be? With each succeeding episode its gotten better and better, converting me from a disbeliever -- nay, someone who'd given up on the show and walked away from it entirely -- into a hardcore, diehard fan. One who'd write an elaborate mock letter to a personified you and publish it on a prominent website, hoping that perchance my dancing monkey act will amuse you enough that you might pause and actually listen. Because I know many, many people who want you to give this show another chance just like I do. In my earnest dorky-geekiness here, I indeed do contain multitudes, and you'd better believe it, buster.

So think about it, okay? And while you're thinking about it -- you know, mulling it over with some tea and scones and what-not -- I WILL COMMENCE WITH ORGANIZING AN ARMY OF DISGRUNTLED TELEVISION VIEWERS AGAINST YOU.

[ And to that end: if you are a fan of "Dollhouse" and would like to voice your desire for them to renew it for a second season, you can make yourself heard by doing any or all of the following:

• If you're a Twitter user, tweet @FoxBroadcasting.
• If you want to email, email askfox@fox.com
• If you're on Facebook, join the FOX Facebook group and post a message.

And if you aren't a fan? Well, if you've read this far I have to believe there's something here that's intrigued you. So why not head over to Hulu and do some catching up? The last 5 episodes -- from the aforementioned awesome series turning point-y sixth episode "Man On The Street" up through last week's are there for the viewing in full. Heck, if you just don't sleep for the next 24 hours (or go to work! Work, who needs it?! Phhbbt!) you could watch the whole season before the new episode airs tonight (Fridays at 9pm ET! Get out a black sharpie and write it on your forearm now!). JOIN US. ]

Thanks for reading, Fox. TTYL!

Your pal (or nemesis-to-be, your call dude),
Tracey aka Sweetney aka d0LLh0uZe4eVa!!!

. . . . .
Tracey, aka Sweetney, writes about Pop Culture & Entertainment at MamaPop, and Joss Whedon is her co-pilot.