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Hey there Fox,
cough.
So listen... You and me? We kinda need to talk.
Fox, I know we've have had our problems in the past. And I know that in anger and frustration, I've said some things online that may have hurt and offended you. Or rather, I've intentionally said some things with the expressed purpose and aim of hurting and offending you. Because seriously, dude, setting aside the whole stealing-my-copyright-protected-content-and-broadcasting-it-on-national-tv thing (good times, good times), and the whole mangling the greatness of "Kitchen Confidential" thing (quoth USA Today: "...odds are that the folks in this Kitchen are about to find out why so many restaurants — and sitcoms — close in the first year." -- I SO CALLED IT! [pumps fist]), there were also the unspeakable crimes you committed against my beloved "Kitchen Nightmares" (what do you people have against kitchens, anyway?), and it's probably best if we don't even get into the matter of "Paradise Hotel" (douchebags check in, but they don't check out! (well, at least not without some kind of nasty rash in need of topical ointments or perhaps even a course of Cipro)). After all, I'm not made of stone, Fox. If you cut me, I bleed. If you broadcast "Temptation Island" I'll watch it, feel disgusted, scream at inanimate objects as though they were cognizant of the despicable behavior and attendant emotional carnage unfolding on the screen before us under the laughable guise of "entertainment," then get another bowl of ice cream, hate myself, question god and the worth of the entire human race, weep into the now-emptied-of-ice-cream bowl, set a season pass on my DVR and... well, you get the idea. This madness must end. IT MUST END TONIGHT.
Because I see what's coming, oh yes I do. I can feel it deep in my bones (actually, that may just be a touch of the osteoporosis -- I've been running a deficit with regard to my calcium consumption for quite some time now). And when a warm wind blows in from the west, tinged with Pacific Ocean brine and the moldering scent of sweat-drenched UGGs, I can almost smell it.
You're going to try to cancel "Dollhouse," aren't you? AREN'T YOU? Yeah, well you should be ashamed of yourself. Yes, even more than usual.
Dawg, listen yo. "American Idol" aside [coughWaningFranchisecough] "Dollhouse" is the only game in town for you. It practically justifies your otherwise questionable existence. It is, in a word, redemptive. Please allow me to explain.
Let's face facts, Fox: "House" and "24" are dogs who've had their day. You can keep milking them for a few more seasons sure, and profitably no doubt. But the writing's on the wall there and both of us know it. It's like the last few seasons of "The X-Files," when Chris Carter had reached that sad but inevitable point where, drained of truly inventive and engaging storytelling like "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose" and "Humbug," he began to rely almost entirely on a hokey narrative arc that increasingly resembled a snake swallowing its own tail, a narrative in love with itself, a mythology spellbound by its own perplexing mythos. But in the end, however badly we Want To Believe (heh, geddit?) in a show, there comes a point when putting a fork in it is an act of mercy.
Regardless, the truth is that despite our rocky past I was genuinely excited for you when I heard you'd tapped Joss Whedon for a show (who, incidentally I've been known to stalk a time or two... and, okay, encourage others to do the same, fine, yes, GUILTY!). It seemed to speak of a new maturity on your part, in terms of taste-level if nothing else. For the first time in years, I managed to speak of you without hurling insults. It was progress, marked growth, I thought. And when the show finally aired earlier this year, I beamed with something like actual pride.
And then I was, well, disappointed. Because as much as I love the previous productions of Mr. Whedon -- and indeed I SO do -- following the initial rush of the pilot, the show seemed kind of... meh? Lacking in a certain... Whedonyness? A bit devoid of Whedonacity? Not as Whedontastic as I'd hoped? YES. THAT.
And despite what might appear from the outside to be irrational
