An Open Letter to Gwyneth Paltrow (With Apologies to Madonna)

Dear Gwyneth,

I am sure you won't be offended when I say, WTF girl?  Do you LIKE destroying yourself in the public eye?  Is this some sort of negative attention PR campaign you're fooling around with as in "Any publicity since I became a recluse Mommy is good publicity?"  Um, NO.  Not in your case sweetheart.

What does your mother have to say about this?  Of course I hardly recognize her in her new commercials for her bone medication but still, Blythe has class...so what does SHE have to say about you?

First, keep your yap shut.  Okay?  The first thing my dad ever told me was that you should always keep your mouth shut and be THOUGHT an idiot than to open it up and prove everyone right.  And Gwyn, do you mind if I call you Gwyn, that certainly applies to you hon.

I'll assume you're just too stupid to realize what damage you're doing to yourself.  I mean come on, you haven't really done any blockbusters like some of your peers.  And that song with Hughie Lewis?  What the hell were you thinking?

And while I respect taking the road less traveled?  And that's cool...I'm notmadonnagrill judging...but please, keep what little insight you have to yourself.  Raise your oddly named daughter and your little boy and be like Madonna....weird but quiet.

I honestly never thought I'd tell someone to be like Madonna.  Seriously.

I'll be in touch Gwyn.  In the meantime, take my advice.  Keep the piehole shut.  Right now the press is being kind and saying you're just misunderstood but we both know you're phoning it in babes.  Or take my word... it's going to get much worse when they turn against you and they will.  Then you end up being like Britney and everyone knows, no one wants to be like Britney.  

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