An Open Letter to Martha Stewart
Dear Ms. Stewart,
I don't want you to take what I'm about to say in the wrong way. I give you full props for your perfect little empire. Well, almost perfect. There was that little stint you did in....well, you know.
I just wanted to tell you, if you wouldn't mind....
...PLEASE TAKE A GIANT FUCKING LEAP OFF OF THE NEAREST TALL OBJECT.
I am incapable of describing in full what my body/kitchen/the drill look like right now. But I will say this.
When you suggested that to achieve your glitter pumpkin, I should cover my work surface in newspaper and coat my pumpkin in first glue, then glitter....I did it. Because you are Martha Stewart. And even if you didn't make this up in your own brain, you no doubt supervised your little team of Type-A's which is one in the same.
Only...oh, dear Martha....did you know that glue and paper....what's the word....stick? Yes, they stick. Together.
You also informed me that I had to make sure my pumpkin was a certain thinness...or thickness....before I used the shiny new drill to make the holes for the lights. Only, darling Martha....how does one measure the thickness of a pumpkin that is round. This led me to having to use the drill bit post glue and glitter to get those lights in the holes. And Martha, I honestly don't know exactly how I'm going to explain the state of the shiny new drill.
I just know the owner will be all, "What the HELL!" and I'll have to be all, "Dude, I've been watching 10 solid hours of the Discovery Channel and I know where Atlantis is!"
....quietly plotting mischief in Scotland....
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