Our Quest, Part II

More bad news today. I couldn't possibly just have a normal miscarriage. Oh no. No best case scenario for me. That's not how things go. 

First, many months of trying and failing to get pregnant.

Then, finally, a pregnancy.

A week later, bad news: failed pregnancy, miscarriage.

Days and days of blood tests, ultrasounds and doctor's visits. 

But no answers.

Then today:

Not just a failed pregnancy. A failed conception. An ectopic, meaning it took place somewhere other than the uterus. Maybe the ovary, maybe the fallopian tube, maybe somewhere else. They saw something on my left ovary today that may have been something, but what really lead to this diagnosis was my ever increasing hcg levels. When women are pregnant, their hcg levels start to rapidly increase. Mine were nowhere near that, but with a miscarriage, they should have been going down. And they weren't.

Something took hold somewhere, just not in the right place. Not anywhere it can become a baby.

Today was awful. I kicked it off with a blood draw in the morning, then a long and uncomfortable ultrasound. Then over to the doctor's office to get the bad news. Then back to the lab for more blood work. I've had so many blood draws in the last two weeks that this time they had to poke right into a giant bruise left over from a draw earlier this week. 

Then I had to go to the cancer center, of all places. The shots I got to dissolve the pregnancy are the same they use in some cancer treatments - it stops rapid cell growth. We were taken back to the room where they do chemo and other treatments, the place too many people spend too many hours of their lives. Which offered some perspective.

After 90 minutes of waiting, while my labs were cleared by the doctor and the injections were ordered, the nurse finally told me it was time. I was anticipating one shot in the arm, but she broke the news that it was two shots. In the ass.

And because she didn't want to do it in the wide open room, we went into the restroom. Yeah. I pulled down the right side of my pants and she jabbed the needle in.

Then I almost passed out. I'm not sure what happened. I think I had been holding myself together all day through a lot of crap, and that was the breaking point. I got light headed and nauseous, so she walked me to a bed and laid me down. After I had recovered, she jabbed me in the left cheek and left me to rest again.

Finally, finally I could go home.

Thank god Mike was able to take the day off and be with me the whole time. He went to every single thing with me - holding my hand, rubbing my back, telling me it was ok. I don't think I could have gotten through this day without him.

I'm so angry about this. Sad, mad, frustrated and confused. That's all I know right now.

Shannon Z


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