Our Son Desperately Wants to Go to Church

Looking for a church is like blind dating week after week. You really have to psych yourself up for it. It's a lot of preparation for something that could go really well -- or really poorly. Our young family is in the same boat as you, searching the waters for a sign about where we should come ashore.

I grew up in a non-denominational church. I take it for granted sometimes that I have never had the desire to find something different...have had no reason to. I feel for you and hope that, through prayer and guidance from above, you will find something that will bring you and your little family peace. Hugs.

I'm a church dater. At least that's what an elder at a church we visited said to me. He said this on our first visit knowing absolutely nothing about me. He proceeded to tell me I dragged my husband there to force him to be the spiritual head of the home. He verbally assaulted me, and I cried the hour home and cried the next Sunday through the whole service because I was TERRIFIED. It finally ended in me yelling at my husband in the middle of the service and running out. We left and never returned.

He had everything wrong...except maybe the dating part. The fact is that when we find a church we like we throw our whole selves into it. We volunteer, we build relationships, we get involved in the extras. And yet since I was born I have gone from church to church to church, staying as long as possible until the church gets so bad we can't stand it anymore. Like with your church, it doesn't start out that way, or sometimes there's an underlying issue we weren't aware of in the beginning. But we stay until we notice our family clearly suffering, and then we move on.

So now we are searching again and our criteria has become so limited (we want the children to remain with us during the service, I want to be allowed to discuss Scripture with others, and we want to agree largely with the core doctrines of the church.) You'd think that this isn't too large of an order...but we've found that apparently is. We found that the more we grew....the more we outgrew church.

I'm tired of dating the church and would love to settle down and get married. :) But I'm afraid it would only end in divorce.

So here's what I've decided- the church is not a building. It's the body of believers as a whole. And where ever we are with two or three other believers to worship, pray, and discuss Scripture, the Lord is there. WE are the church. There are a lot of databases out there for home churches (a new term used is also simple churches) and we might get involved in one, or we might start our own. But no more dating the church, it's time to just BE the church. Loving others, serving others, loving God and serving Him.

I pray that you (and the other posters) find something that is good for your families.

Like other commenters, we have moved quite a bit in our lives and each new city meant yet another church search.

The most difficult times were when we had a teen, early school age child and a pre-schooler! But we were able to eventually find a home in each city we lived in.

Many "tests" for stress and depression ask if you are searching for a new faith home, or if you just left a faith home.

So, take your time. Let your boys attend a VBS or two to sustain their enjoyment of church. And don't be so hard on yourself for #1 leaving your church when it began to be toxic for you, #2 taking the time you need to recover from that parting, and #3 taking your time to find a new home.

And you are all welcome to our church--in the Seattle area--if you are in this neck of the woods.

My family and I are in the same boat...

We had moved to our home in NJ just to be closer to the church that we used to attend and devoted so much of our lives and finances to. We believed wholeheartedly in the vision of the church. My husband and I were leaders, my husband was an elder, we were faithful givers, and my children grew up at the church over a period of 8-9 years and were also very involved...everyone there became our family and dear friends. Unfortunately, I ended up neglecting many of my own friends and family outside the confines of the church structure.

Until we found out what was really happening behind the scenes of the "sanctuary."

Horrific infidelities, unthinkable abuse of funds/tithes, "molestation of souls", false teachings - all from key people at the church - people we trusted with our lives and supported to the "nth" degree. It is difficult to describe the devastation this brought to me and my family. Because I knew so much of what was going on and had no one to talk to about it, the stress of it all landed me in the hospital 3 times. I became very depressed, couldn't eat...weighed 100lbs "soaking wet"...and worst part of it all, my closest and best friend was involved.

I decided I wouldn't let this destroy me...I got up one day and decided to fight for my life and for my family. No fear. I continued to read the Bible - it is what gave me the immense courage, strength, and perseverance...along with my other towers of strength - my husband and children.

When I left this place - what I now call a cult - I was immediately blacklisted by the leaders of the cult. All members were told not to speak to me or anyone in my family. Yet, slowly but surely my phone began ringing off the hook with folks wanting to apologize to me and my family for their lack of support. They had found out the truth as I had...and I was reconnected with so many friends I thought I had lost forever! It has been beautiful - God is great!

Over 200 people left the church after my family and I walked out. I felt like Moses! I never imagined anyone would heed my warning...but God truly is above it all.

I focus on forgiveness each and every day...and pray that deceipt in churches would end. I still love the people who hurt me and so many others...and that's a hard place for me to be - I could write a book on that topic alone!

With all my heart, I do believe there are some really great churches out there with incredible, faithful, true Godly leaders...we just haven't found that place for our family---yet. We have visited quite a few churches, and for a while also met with some friends and family for worship and bible reading and just plain ol' true fellowship and community. That was a phenomenal time for us, and a much needed time of healing.

Most importantly, we never left God....and I know He has never left us!
And just like you, Jenna, I have faith that it really will ALL work out!

Meantime, we have grown closer as a family, we live joyfully and treasure each and every day we have together! I have never been so happy as a daughter of our Great King!

God takes care of his own :)... He's got our backs!
We truly are blessed!

I loved this post and all the comments. Religion is so hard to talk about - nice when it can be done in a respectful way!

My parents were former-Catholic atheists and I was like your son. I wanted to go to church so badly, I bribed a neighbor lady to drive me to her church when I was 11. At 19, I went into the RCIA program and was baptized Catholic. My experience of the Catholic church has been very positive but that may be because I live in the Bay Area and it is very progressive here.

I still church hunted when we first moved here. I finally decided that I would just go to the Catholic church closest to us and make the best of it. I tell my kids all religions are equal (even no religion) that they are just the different languages we speak when talking to God.

to what SHE said.

I grew up in the Anglican tradition and to be honest, I still have wonderful memories of that peaceful feeling wafting over me at church services. I went to a very WASPY church in NYC's Upper East Side, but everyone there was very welcoming.

The thing is, I want to give that foundation to my kids. But I also have moved away from "this-is-the-only-way-to-salvation" path. I do and follow MANY spiritual guidelines that are not all Christian-based. I respect and revere nature. I believe in reincarnation.

I have faith that I can send my kids to church and still teach them those things, I think. But I'd love to find something more open. I thought of the UUC, but it seemed so VAGUE that I wasn't sure WHAT the point was. What's the unifying reason people are getting together? I need to figure that out...(sigh)

Anyhow, I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope we all do!

I had a horrible time finding a church in my area. Part of it was my still-smarting skin from being singed years ago by a very conservative church and the subsequent shunning of me when I divorced, but things were complicated even more by having special needs children. I was open to different kinds of churches, my requirements being that they be an accepting church and that they not exclude my children. I found it, in spades, after some difficult experiences elsewhere. Two years now, and this place still feels like "home." You can follow the progression here:

http://www.barnmaven.com/.services/blog/6a00e55066... ( http://www.barnmaven.com/.services/blog/6a00e55066... )

I wish you the very best in your search. Don't feel like you're a failure -- if you are a church-goer, finding the right place to be is a very big deal and everyone has to be comfortable there.

Mary a/k/a BarnMaven blogs at http://www.barnmaven.com about single parenting, living with ADHD, too many animals to count and dealing with ADHD/Bipolar kids.

I hope you find a new one very soon - my heart tugs for you.

We were attending an RC church when we moved to our current town - my husband was raised Catholic and attended Catholic school all 12 years. I was raised Protestant and spent most of my college years going to all kinds of churches, also looking for one I liked. So when I struggled at the franchise-feeling RC church - we looked around too. It was traumatic.

We ended up in our current church (part of Catholic communion but not RC) because a friend I met at our pool was so awesome and so Godly, but fun (nose ring) (and 8 kids). She talked about all the things they do with their church crowd with so much energy and excitement - and we decided to go see for ourselves.

So I don't have great advice except what you are probably already doing - looking, praying and following folks who appeal to you to see what church they go to. The best part of our church community is that with our families so far away - we have a family here too. It was important to me that the church was sound doctrinally, and that there would be things for everyone to be involved in - and that has been the case. So my other piece of non-advice is that I don't believe I'd settle on somewhere that doesn't fit just to be in a church. You can do vacation Bible Schools and try a new one every week here pretty soon!

Hope you will find a new church home very soon!

Jennifer Z.

I've gone from a fantastic church with excellent teaching and great kids/youth ministries with a congregation of about 500, to an Anglican church with no kids ministry, very traditional services, congregation size of approx 16, average age about 60.

Phew! I HATE Anglicanism, and will never, ever, ever call myself an Anglican - for me it sums up everything that is 'religion'. However, I know God wants us to be here. Since we've been going we've been part of a kids' ministry starting up, so my 4 kids are now getting fed, and I attend a great bible study group that feeds me. And with LOTS of prayer, slowly, slowly, slowly change is starting to happen.

My point is, maybe the perfect church isn't out there. Maybe God might want you to attend a church that doesn't meet all your needs. Maybe you might have something to offer a not-quite-right church.

I'm not saying you should attend any old church just because it's there, or happens to be the closest, but don't necessarily write them off if they don't tick all your boxes.

My walk with God has deepened through all of this - I feel like I was spiritually fat before, but now it's turning to muscle.

All the best in your hunt!

Visiting a church for the first time is almost as scary and nerve wracking as running completely out of chocolate!

Because of that, my husband (who is a pastor) and I often talk to our staff (and to each other) about what we can do to make people feel more comfortable when they come through our doors. We are very intentional about greeting people (but not overwhelming them with friendliness), remembering names, interacting with the children/teens, and following up (in a low key manner) the week after someone visits.

I've been a newbie before and I know how very hard it is.

I applaud you and your husband for taking this step so seriously; it's great to hear how much your son loves to go to church!

I'm sorry that you guys are having a tough time finding a church that feels like a home. Our church hasn't always felt like the best fit either, but my father-in-law is the pastor, so we sometimes we used to feel stuck. Happily, the dynamics of the church have changed a bit and we've also started volunteering more--my husband along with his brother and sister-in-law now lead worship twice a month to bring in more contemporary music, and I'm co-leading a women's Bible Study. Just some encouragement that there's always room for churches to change and grow, and that you don't have to just accept what's offered!

Also, if I might make a recommendation about church hunting--I would REALLY recommend visiting a church more than once, even if you didn't really care for it the first time. A lot of churches here cycle through different types of services (i.e. traditional and contemporary), and you might visit once and think 'Oh, this isn't for us', when really, it might only follow that order of service once a month. Or maybe you happened upon a special service that isn't typical of the church at all.

Best of luck!

* La Buena Vida ( http://www.vivalabuenavida.blogspot.com ) *

I am happy to say that I have always enjoyed the blessings of not only going to church, but living religion all of my life. I also helped others find this joy as a missionary for a year and a half when I was 21 by leaving my home and going to a foreign country to live with, love, and teach the people.
What I taught them is a message filled with happiness and truth about God and how much He loves His children.
I am now married with 4 children and a 5th on the way, and I am happy to share the same truths with my children.
The truth is that families can be together forever, not just "until death do you part", but for eternity. We lived as spirit children of our Heavenly Father before we came to this earth and we will live again after our earthly experience is over. There is a prophet on the earth today, just as in biblical times. A prophet such as Moses, Noah, Jeremiah, and others were. He is the mouthpiece for the Lord, and He is supported by a quorum of 12 apostles, just as the Savior was anciently. Jesus Christ is the cornerstone of the Church and it is built on a foundation of revelation and priesthood.
The Church I refer to is The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, or "the Mormons". There are undoubtedly congregations that meet in your area, and most definitely missionaries that can answer your questions and further teach you about the gospel. Contact them and find the answers to questions you have now and may have always had. I wish you the best and leave you with my testimony that I know this church is true, and that if you will seek with an honest heart and true intent, you will be shown the truth of it also by the power of the Holy Ghost.

I can understand your dilemma with your church shopping experience. It has got to be so much worse with kids who want to go and be a part of it.

My husband and I have been church shopping since November 2010. We were both raised, confirmed Catholics. When we decided to get married, we wanted a small ceremony and did not want to do it in a Catholic Church. We were told by a Priest that by getting married "civily" (that word really pisses me off) we were no longer full Catholics and were no longer allowed to take communion at Mass. Seriously? Because we got married in a Chapel by a minister, we are no longer really Catholic? Oh, the anger.

So, we decided to look for an Episcopal or Lutheran Church. We looked for 7 months. Oh there are some really interesting places out there.... I think we have finally found ourselves a home. We got lucky and girl I go to a class with referred us to the church. So far, two services in, so good. We'll see how things go from here.

I wish you luck and I'll be praying for you and your little ones that you find someplace that works for all of you.

We left our church this summer for different reason and haven't found another one. All the ones with good music and lots of young families are much too conservative for us. I don't want to hesitate to contribute financially or have to unteach my children when we come home. We are attempting to home-school our children in God right now as we wait to find a church home. There are some great books out there!

Alex Iwashyna can be found blogging on Late Enough ( http://www.lateenough.com ) or tweeting at @L8enough ( http://twitter.com/L8enough ). Probably in her pjs.

We're sorry it's hard to find a church home where there is a real sense of community. If we can be of service to your family we would love to be: http://www.aledochurchofchrist.com

I am childless, for the moment, but I had been on a church quest that began at the age of 19. As an agnostic, I went to temples, mosques, churches, zen centers, retreats - nothing really fit. Much like idiotmom, I never could settle with the idea that of the 23 major religions in the world, only one was right and the rest were simply delusional. God never seemed like a clique-loving kind of entity to me.

And so, the quest continued. Finally, at the age of 43, I found my spiritual center within the Science of Mind/New Thought movement. I'm sure it won't take you 24 years but I will say all that searching was worth it. My weekly visit feels like my soul just got a good scrub - a fantastic feeling that lasts all week long.

In the end, you want a place that isn't about the building, the music or traditions, it is - as you pointed out - about the words that are spoken there. What kind of ideals and beliefs do they reflect?

I pray that you and your family will find that spiritual atmosphere that feels like a snug fit - a place of love and celebration.

Thanks for a great post!

~ClizBiz

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Animal & Wildlife Concerns; Section Editor, LIFE; Proprietor, ClizBiz ( http://www.clizbiz.blogspot.com/ )

First of all, thanks for the mention. wish post could have helped more.

The truth is it's getting tougher and tougher to find a good church, with a good pastor that teaches a good doctrine with good growth opps for kids.

I'm married to a pastor and I appreciate when folks want to meet with us to see if we are nuts or not. Love it when they ask the tough questions. Also, it's good to visit non-church events like choir rehearsals to get the really skinny on the church culture.

As you know, finding s church is no small adventure. Take your time and take the pressure off. Remember, more regrets come with moving toomfast than moving too tentatively.

Hope you find that the perfect fit for you and your family! If you do, please let us all know.

Prayers, hugs and potato chips!

Check me out at GodsyGirl.Com
( http://www.godsygirl.com ) or read my Mommy  Articles here! ( http://www.examiner.com/x-15864-Kansas-City-Mother... )

We are serial relocators: NY, SF, CT, IL and now back to NY. I have 4 kids. When we choose a church, it isn't just about me and my husband. The kids are old enough now that Sunday School is more than glorified childcare.

My most important piece of advice is this: Don't try to replicate the experience you loved at "church A." Its not happening.

As much as anything else, you are all mourning the loss of your former community. Make sure you honor that first.

Take each new church for what it is. Look for the places that seem open to the kinds of things you'd like to contribute to the church. It might not be great now, but would they be open to (for example) starting a mom's bible study, etc?

Out here, we have settled on driving 40 minutes into the city for church. It's imperfect, but it was a prayerfully considered decision that has worked itself out.

My husband and I had the hardest time finding a church when we lived a small town years ago.
Like your previous experience showed you, it's a big decision and you're smart to keep looking until you find the right one.

We're now very fortunate to have a great church with teaching and culture that we feel comfortable with.

Since it's summer, maybe you can sign them up for VBS? Most churches have them, and it's a good way to get a feel for the church- and your son gets his fix!

Race/Ethnicity Section Editor Grace Hwang Lynch blogs at HapaMama ( http://hapamama.com ) and A Year (Almost) Without Shopping ( http://www.blogher.com/ A Year (Almost) Without Shopping ).

Hi Jenna,
I'm new to blogging. I'm a grand-dad with four daughters and four grandsons. Our family has continually searched for Church's to which we can connect and its taken a while. We were all raised catholic but got disillusioned in the 1990's. Today, between our five families - we practice four religions.

It's tough to find the "right" church" that combines the ingredients that you need at your current stage of life.

My wife and I were burnt-out on church rules and "acceptible' behavior. Our criteria was simple, we wanted a church environment is which we felt comfortable. We weren't looking to change the world, we were just looking to feel good inside.

Fortunately, we found a contemporary service went beyond our expectations. It put people first. One of our delights was their dedication to kids. In addition to sunday school, once-a-month the sunday service was just for kids. It gave us older folks a chance to watch and understand what was important to kids.

The insights of the young ministers also left us leaving a service with a better understanding of community (both in and out of the church) and how we can make an difference, if we choose to.

John

I grew up in a very Catholic community. I felt it to be very oppressive, and so I stopped going all together after high school. I disagree with much of the Catholic doctrine. After college, marriage, and the birth of our first baby, I wanted her to make her own choice. Three children later we exposed them to the Unitarian Universalist Church. I love how the children have the opportunity to learn about all faiths and to make their own decisions. I will support all of their decisions, and enjoy being a part of their decisions. It is the best fit for our family. I learned thru the process that there is a huge difference between religion and spirituality. The "this is the only religion" that's the right religion has never set well in my heart. Those who are not tolerant of others keep me awake at night. Our children deserve a peaceful world with all faiths working together.

This happened to me as well, but it happened when my kids hit middle and high school. The youth director was a young guy but extremely conservative and had a really strict schedule for a program. It was too strict that didn't work with high schoolers extracurricular activities etc. We went to another church for the youth program which was good. BUT it was a really far drive from our home.

After our kids graduated we went back to our neighborhood church again. There is a new youth and religious education director now. I had to get over my sadness of those events and move on. At the time it was devastating for me as a mother.

The Patty Beat can be found at  http://pattyabr.wordpress.com ( http://pattyabr.wordpress.com/ ) where The Fearless Cook resides ready to take on your most feared items in the kitchen.

It took us over a year to find a new church home.

I'm Southern Baptist and prefer a traditional or lightly mixed service. Most of the churches in our area are very contemporary in their choices. I wanted to stay within my denomination too. We had to be comfortable with the church's doctrine and beliefs.

We wanted a medium size church coming from a very small church. I've done the church building and missionwork thing. I needed a break from being the one who did everything.

Hubby really wanted a strong children's program for Charlie. We also wanted a solid youth group with an eye on the future.

And most importantly, we had to feel welcome as a family. All 3 of us had to really love the people, not just the outside trappings.

It helped me to visit the San Felipe Assoc (our local SBC association)website to get a listing of churches in our area. I also looked at the individual churches websites to help narrow down options. Then it came the hard part - visiting. Some churches we knew right away they weren't for us. Some took a few visits.

You will find a church home. It just takes time, patience, and lots of prayer mixed with hope.

Elizabeth

@texasebeth ( http://twitter.com/texasebeth )  and My Life, such as it is.... ( http://texasebeth.blogspot.com )

I've had a wide and varied response with small-c churches but still hold onto some hope for the big-c Church as a whole. So far. And sometimes I'm not sure why.

I'm hoping that sometime by the end of 2011 we will find a new home. It's been a help that our sons' preschool is Christian-based and they're getting some good stuff there. But BB starts Kindergarten in the fall. So, I'd like to figure it out sometime before he turns 18. HA!

Family Section Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

There's only one Catholic church in our city (but looooots of other protestant ones). I know my husband's grandparents would love for us to convert and we honestly considered it for various reasons. But right now, we don't know if that's a good fit either.

So difficult. :(

Family Section Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

I understand what you are saying about finding the perfect church "family" and place to feel right. We are Catholic so our choices in our area are quite limited. We have 5 close Catholic churches to choose from. None of them have outstanding youth programs for my daughter who is in 5th grade. They have great programs for 7th grade thru 12th grade though.

I feel quite jealous sometimes of my friends who go to the local nondenominational churches. Those churches seem to go all out to offer programs every single weekend for children of all ages and even for adults. And they have Sunday school classes all year round. The Catholic churches only offer this during the school year.

www.julieheinrich.com ( http://www.julieheinrich.com )

I wish I had church you could go to...Sadly, I've never experinced the sense of community that you have created for yourself and your family. You are also providing a strong foundation for your boys in their faith. It's evidently clear in their wanting to attend church how great of a teacher you have been to them.

I also think it's nice that you have made time to bring church to your home twice a month. Those are great memories your boys will have their whole life. And maybe a tradition for when they become men with families.

I've had bad experinces with organized religon and had to reconcile with God in my own terms. I also believe it doesn't matter where and when you worship but that you honour his spirit by living the good life.

I'm positive you will find the right church for your beautiful family. Sometimes it just takes time...

If you are anywhere near Austin, Texas, please come visit St. Alban's Episcopal Church. I think you'll find just what you are looking for. We are a smallish, very diverse congregation where worship of God is at the same time casual (not dressy or stuffy) and reverent. We love our children and youth and invest a lot it programs that teach them that they are God's beloved and gifted children. This is church with an open mind, open arms, and where guilt is not allowed. We laugh a lot and eat a lot and support each other a lot. In the last year we have had an influx of young families with children, and there is also an amazing Sunday school class for younger adults. Our website is www.stalbansaustin.org ( http://www.stalbansaustin.org ), and I think I forgot to say, I'm the rector or senior pastor. I absolutely love my job and my people.