This is my first time coming to BlogHer.  Heck I only heard about it last year in passing while reading Moosh In Indy.  I have been blogging for 4 years but only to my family.  Lately I have been opening up myself to the world, through Twitter, FriendFeed and now to the wonderous world of BlogHer.  I heard about the c

onference and just assumed it wasn’t for me.  I am not a “mommyblogger”, I am not “monetized” (although I am totally open to it! Hint hint), heck at that point I wasn’t even a member of the BlogHer ad network.  So I started reaching out, first to the ad network, then to peers.  “Of course you should go!”  “You’ll have a blast”!  So make a long story short…….here I sit.Through the powers of Kristy Sammis and Jenny Lueck I was a lucky recipient of a GM Hybrid Malibu to drive up from the LA area.  I made the drive on Thursday vowing to myself that this would be my chance to come out of my shell and allow myself to have fun and make friends.  I had printed my own business cards with the hopes of networking and making some new business contacts.  But it seems it was all for naught.  You see even after attending the introvert conference and taking a bold step to go up to AKA Monty and introduce myself, I still cowarded out when it came to meeting and socializing with people IRL.  I’m just not an approacher, if you approach me I will be your bestest friend but I can’t bring myself to make the first move.  I don’t drink, I don’t do crowds and I don’t like loud, so the cocktail party at the dance hall was a bust for me.  I tried but failed miserably.  I even tried one of the tactics from the introvert session “Is this seat taken?” and when the trolls answered yes we are saving them for our friends.  I slunk away.  Later I came up with a ton of great responses but by then I had already left the building, went to the corner store and bought chips and cookies to take back to my room, where I proceeded to play Pogo just like I do at home.  Up early again this morning, ok now I have been given a second chance, another day to make my mark.  Go up and hug someone, maybe even (gasp) get licked by Mrs. Flinger.  But no, it didn’t work that way.  Breakfast was quiet as I sat alone at a table in the ballroom of hundreds listening to the morning keynote speakers.  Reading Tweet after Tweet of people getting together and finding each other and making plans together, I sat and listened and played my games.  Being in the sessions is better because you can focus on what is presented.  I tried at lunch to go to one of the parties and froze, I walked in saw groups of people and walked right back out.  Back to my room for lunch and a nap. Later, another session of something that was totally over my head and yet others were claiming it was too 101.  ::sigh::   I read Casey’s blog about making your own fun, about getting up and dancing and about how if you’re not a part of the in crowd, it’s your own damn fault.  Part of what she says is true.  I WANT to be able to get up and dance and not feel as though everyone was juding how I look or the moves I am making.  I WANT to be able to be free and vibrant and just let the moment take me away.  But just thinking about it Scares the fuck right outta me, I am sobbing as I type terrified of that coming true.  It doesn’t make sense, I know.  But it is what it is.Tonight is the party at Macy’s, I even brought a dress.  Will I go?  I don’t know.  Will I come back next year?  Only if I come with someone I already know IRL.  At this moment I am in the Ballroom alone at a table typing away with eyes brimming because I am terrified that I will never fit in.  It really is high school all over again.