Pacifiers Suck

Pacifiers suck. Just as much figuratively as they do literally I think. Sure, they seem like a good idea when your little bundle of joy takes one for the first time all swaddled and looking at you like you’re the smartest person in the world to have invented such an amazing contraption. It’s a miracle worker. There is nothing that little apparatus can’t fix. There is no job too big to be conquered; screaming, yelling, crying, whining, mad, bored, tired… put a plug in it. Then, that little bundle of joy turns one.

I have held off on the weaning of her pacifier because, well let’s face it, shits gonna hit the fan when I do. However, I’m afraid that I’ve now reached the point in which there is no longer an option. When the 17 year old convenience store clerk recognizes that your child is way too old to have a plug in her mouth, you’re past due. Then again, the 17 year old would be putting a plug in your kid’s mouth, too, if she was her babysitter. Note to self: Ask little blond at convenience store if she would like to watch kids on Friday so mommy and daddy can go skinny dipping and wedding crashing to the movies.

I have started to cut back on her time with it best I can. In attempting to take them away though, I have encountered a whole other problem. My child is a sneaky little shit. I remove one from her mouth, turn around and there’s another. They are stashed in every room, hidden in every nook and cranny. If it weren’t for the lack of dirt under her fingernails, I’d swear she had them buried somewhere like a dog with a bone. The only other possibility is that she’s a CIA agent and has installed tracking devices on each and every one. Either way, I have learned a valuable lesson here: Regular pacifier inventory is a must when you have scheming children. Therefore, regular pacifier inventory is always a must for me. href="">

The silver lining? I’m a problem solver. Also, when there’s scheming and trickery involved, I always come out on top. It’s my thing, yo. So, I am now marking each and every suck with a Sharpie like it’s a $100 bill. They are getting tallied then moved to a top secret location, kept there under lock and key. Just as I was patting myself on the back for outsmarting my 1 ½ year old, I lifted her mattress. It’s like a suck graveyard under there. I don’t remember even buying this many of the damn things. Have I discovered yet another problem? Is my child also a little pacifier thief? Does she prowl the mall and Chuck E Cheese for unsuspecting, helpless victims then swipe their suck right out from under their noses? I guess the only thing left to do is see if there is some sort of discount club or frequent flier miles program for juvy. At the very least, get a lawyer on retainer. A damn good one.



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