The Pain You Feel Today is the Strength You Feel Tomorrow

Today, for no particular reason, I am missing my father something awful. Grief is a bitch. Some days I'm fine; can take on the world, other days I'm just loathsome and sad. I try to keep in the tears, but then my heart feels like it is going to explode. Grief really is a bitch.

Shock and denial: I didn't believe that my father was dying, I just kept thinking he's going pull out of this horrendous situation. Some people live through a stroke, right? But not my dad.. Way too serious of a situation. And I know he suffered. He suffered for at least 48 hours. In that stupid hospital. Not fair at all to lose a healthy, 48 year old man. Or to see the man I never thought would be in such a vulnerable position, struggling to live. Broke my heart.

Anger: After the fog cleared, I was pissed off. Pissed off at my dad for not getting the surgery he needed when he was first informed he needed it. I was pissed off at overly obese people walking around. I was pissed off at old people for still being alive and my dad wasn't. Why in the fuck?!?! Mostly, I was pissed (more heart broken), that my son will never know his pawpaw. But at least my dad knew him; he died right before my son turned three months old.

Depression and Detachment: To add to the awfulness of being post partum and grieving over my father, we were also in the process of moving. And we were moving over an hour and a half away from family and friends. I was at home with my son everyday (which I cherish), but I was miserable, paranoid, and sad. I had no energy, no faith in myself (or anything for that matter). I just wanted to sleep, sleep, sleep because I was so depressed about the grief I was feeling. But my son and my husband kept me strong, and still do. I also had my sisters, mother, and brother to worry about as well, and I was too far away. I was a sad, pathetic person, not knowing what to do, or where to go.

Dialogue and Bargaining: I still struggle with finding the meaning to this horrible thing that happened to my dad. But I have also found, that over time, its easier to talk about my dad and how he died. It helps my soul. Helps me to believe that he is close when I talk about him, or think about him.

Acceptance: I have accepted my father's passing, I hate it, but I accept it. Some days its harder than others, but I smile knowing that he is watching over us. I truly think that my son knows my dad now, because he is with him (and the little shit acts just like him).

Returning to a Meaningful Life: Its taken a long while, but I am enjoying life for what it is. I love being with my family, enjoying my hobbies, working... Life is back to normal and that is nice. But I still wish my dad was here. He gives me the strength and empowerment I need to keep pushing forward.

Please, always tell those you love that you love them, and always, always cherish every minute you get with them. Life is a bitch sometimes, and those who are here with us today, may not be here tomorrow.

Recent Posts by Sam_VanCleave84

Comments

In order to comment on BlogHer.com, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.