Palming the Poop - Postulations on Parenting

Dear Buttons,

I recently attended a baby shower where a major topic of discussion among the current, future, and former procreators (I am typing this on an iPhone and it REALLY wants to make that pro creators…I am not talking about surrogates (awesome! (inception parentheses!!)) or God, so thanks anyway autocorrect) was a new kind of fancy schmancy cloth diaper that costs $25, comes in all kinds of cute colors, and features a removable “microfiber insert” to absorb all the pee and poop and protect the $25 lime green diaper (it’s real:

Apparently these diapers are adjustable to fit any size of lucky baby so you’ll get all kinds of use out of them and easily recoup the high sticker price (which doesn’t include the microfiber maxi pad, btw). Now, I’m not judging – I imagine I might procreate too one day, either by accident or as a tool of manipulation – but I’m wondering, is it now necessary to love your baby AND the earth so much that you stick your hand between two layers of poop covered organic cotton? What’s Buttons’ take on maternal love??


Clock stopper


Dear Stopper,

So, I don’t know a lot about parenting, but I do know a lot about drunk sitting (though usually I’m the one being drunk-sat), which I feel qualifies me to properly answer your question.

Here’s my take on the whole thing, I love my friends, more than anything ever, probably more than I’ll love my own children when I one day accidentally have them, but barring terminal illness or crippling spinal injury, there are very few circumstances in which I would willingly touch their poop.

I also love the earth, again probably more than I’ll love my own children (I mentioned they were going to be accidents, how much can you expect me to love them really?), but my favorite Thai delivery place uses styrofoam take out containers, and even though I really love the earth, I also really love delicious Pad Thai (DEFINITELY more than I’ll love my little accident babies). Yeah, I feel a little guilty when I put that empty styrofoam container in the trash, but if I’m being honest, the brunt of my guilt comes from the fact that I just ate an entire order of Pad Thai, 4 spring rolls, and a crab rangoon (Also the judgmental fucking delivery guy put in 4 fortune cookies, which is his passive aggressive way of saying ”slow down fatty, this is enough food for a small family”. Well you know what dude, maybe one day I’ll have an accident family and we’ll order 4 orders of pad thai and 16 spring rolls and still tip you the $2.00 minimum tip on, because you’re a judgmental prick and we don’t like you!).

The point is, those diapers look crazy, and they are totally going to get covered in poop. But you know what else is going to get covered in poop? Your friend’s hands. And you know what is going to happen after about a week of poop hands, when your friend’s pretty manicured fingers become a fortess of bacteria and poop flecks? Mama is going to haul ass down to the Key Foods© and buy some goddamn Huggies©. You know why? Cause Huggies© have velcro and a little Muppet face in the front to tell you how to put them on, and even though she’ll still get poop on her hands, she won’t have to slide her fingers in between two layers or warm and squishy 4x a day for the next year and a half, and unfortunately, avoiding that feeling is worth more than some well intentioned environmental preservation. Hope this answered your question.



P.S. If she makes it, and she is strong enough to handle having her mitt repeatedly sandwiched between two layers of shit soaked cotton, well then, she is a better parent, and a better environmentalist than both of us will ever be…but definitely avoid shaking her hand.


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