No Excuses: Parenting Isn't Hard

Wait, you only have one child and it's a baby and you're writing this?  Judge much?

I would have to agree with some of the other posters...parenting most certainly IS hard.  And to imply that it isn't is naive.  You have an infant, and at that stage, it is most certainly hard to be another person's entire world on four hours of sleep.  If you think it isn't you are a better person that most.

I've been there...our oldest is almost 18, we also have a 16, 13, 8 and 4 year old.  Each stage has its own challenges.  Each stage is hard in one way or another, but guess what, that's what being a parent is all about.

no excuse for abuse, but yes, this piece is overly simplistic. the comparison to your partner doesn't even stand up. if you had a partner that wore down every nerve in your body from the whining, constantly changing their minds as to what they want/need and the tantrum when they didn't get what they wanted or their need met instantly you would leave that person. it is hard. it is draining. do we need to check in with ourselves on the power dynamic between parent and child? absolutely! do we need to be mindful of our actions/reactions, expectations and tone of voice? totally. the tone of this article is off-putting. i agree with others as it is not one of advocacy. it is judgmental. on that note, it made me cry and think, so perhaps the author received the intended response to her piece. parenting is f-ing hard. when you couple it with outside pressures, being a mindful parent is really tough and like with any relationship there are mistakes and things that need to be repaired and talked about. 

I find myself agreeing with you whole-heartedly. I am a parent who believes in gentle/cooperative discipline and avoidance of punishment. I definitely don't believe in spanking. I have seen people treat their kids like crap in public and it breaks my heart. I have made similar arguments to yours in the past (especially against spanking). I read books like "The Continuum Concept," "Playful Parenting," "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk," "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children," "Raising Your Spirited Child," and "Connected Parenting."

AND YET- I have totally fallen short of my parenting ideals with my 3-year-old. In fact, I have very close friends who hold similar parenting philosophies to mine and also confess that they have fallen short. In times of great stress WE have name-called, yelled, and even hit. Rare though they may be, these incidents have occurred. And there have been periods in her life when they weren't rare. I had whole stages where I wasn't coping well with her physical assaults on me and was using retaliation abuse (ie she pinches me and I pinch her back) telling myself I was showing her how it really did hurt, but was probably motivated by some level of revenge. Having an infant doesn't prepare you for the feeling you feel... the inevitable power struggles with "older" children who we for some reason sometimes expect too much from or don't know how to cope with. I am working on forgiving myself and moving on. Many times, I have great cooperative and problem-solving skills to deal with 2-year-old and 3-year-old issues. Many times, my daughter and I are so connected and together. Other times, I have fallen short. Specifically when outside stresses get to me. The same is true for my husband and many other parents. I try to recognize when I fall short and APOLOGIZE and talk with my daughter about our disconnect. You know, I model behaviors I want to see in her when she falls short of the type of behavior she usually expects from herself.  Because I included an example of the worst of me above, here are some of my best practices. When she was a tot she had a "dumping liquids" stage that drove her dad bonkers, so I had the bright idea of redirecting her to go dump into the bathtub every time she got the urge. She got to dump and dad got to chill about the mess! When she is having a problem, I echo her feelings instead of denying them (took me a while to learn that skill). I engage her in helping me problem solve- Me: "I'm tired and want to go home, but you want to stay longer at Grandma's, what can we do?" She: "Set a timer." Me: "For how many minutes?" She: "Ten!" I have her color her bad/sad/mad feelings- works great sometimes, she knows I care about how deeply she is feeling something so she doesn't have to show me in other ways. Before long she is coloring happy feelings. I make lists about the things she wants instead of always saying no. Making a list, even if I can't get it now, means it's important to me that she really wants that thing. It works too, defers the upset at being denied. I say, "after this... then.." And yes, even with all these skills and more, I still get stressed and yell sometimes. :(

I still agree with you in that I don't think those behaviors that are my "falling short" behaviors should be standard and acceptable. I think parents need to be given support and other skills. I'm always trying to employ new skills and some of them really work! But, parents can't just hear, "don't punish or belittle, because parenting isn't hard," they need things to help them cope. I wish there were parenting groups everywhere for support and problem solving. But, I also think when we fall short, it's okay to say so to our children. It's part of respectful parenting to admit your shortcomings and model apologetic behavior and how to make amends.

It seems like most people reading this are missing the fact that the writer has an infant. It's very, very difficult to put yourself in the shoes of a mother with an older child when you are still in the middle of diapers, teething and breastfeeding. Not that I think belittling a child is ok, but when that cute baby turns into a surly pre-teen . . . then you can talk about whether or not you would be upset with them. That being said, losing your temper is never cool, but it happens. Also, I find that stress augments my frustration with my kids and nothing stresses me out more than seeing someone sitting there staring at me judgmentally. I try not to get angry with my kids over spilled drinks, but sometimes, when they've put the glass too close to the edge of the table yet again, after being reminded ten times . .. well, you snap a little.  

A well-written post about an important topic. It is my privilege to raise these children and they will know it every single day.

Wow...finally! I finally found another mother who feels like me! So far I've read so many blogs about how parenting is sooo hard and kids are so much trouble. I always felt like I was going to be the mother who disciplined her children and was stern, but that all changed when I actually became a mother. I love my little bean and can't imagine ever making him feel anything but loved. If he does something where he deserves to be talked to then yes it will happen..but not over being a kid and making messes or childish mistakes.

Thank you for this brave post! As I wrote in my blog responding to it (http://www.quizzicalmama.com/2012/01/bad-parenting-how-much-slack-should-we.html), having myself grown up with a verbally, emotionally, and at times physically abusive mom, your post struck a deep chord with me. Sure, I can explain my mom's abusive behavior in light of her anxiety and "nerves," her bouts of depression and anger, but none of us can excuse or explain it away. And sure, though I strive so hard to stay calm and patient with my 3-year-old daughter, I have my moments of vibrating with irritation. There are times when I lose the kind and compassionate voice; where I sigh at her in a way that I fear she experiences as being shamed, or when I overreact to some little accident or spill she's caused.

I can explain those times in terms of feeling stressed and depressed, frustrated with the never-ending-not-enough-time situation in which I constantly find myself. And I appreciate the understanding look in the face of my fellow mama friends when I confess those times to them. But I cannot excuse these lapses.

Here I second ShoreBookworm who concludes her below comments with this:

We all have our moments, because we are human. That does not mean we should be ok with it. There are no excuses, there can be no rationalization. Every lapse should come with a vow to try harder next time, because we are the grown-ups. That is not being judgmental, it is having high expectations. Because our children deserve it, they deserve our very best. Even if there are no guarantees, we still have to try.

Of course no one is condoning verbal or physical abuse of children. The point is more how to treat parents who have made mistakes. Over my 15 years as a parent, I have taken many phone calls from friends seeking advice because they just blew up at their child. The mom is crying, the child is crying. It's a mess. In response, I have offered support (of course you're a good parent), empathy (I know how you feel, I've been there too) and advice along a wide range: from count to 10 before you react, to take a bathroom break and have a good cry, to referring them to Parents Encouraging Parents (PEP - google it for a chapter near you, they're awesome), and even to suggesting counseling. At no point have I ever felt compelled to say "no excuses: parenting isn't hard." And I have been grateful when my friends have returned the favor. I would have much preferrd to see this post tell the story of the mom in the restaurant, show some vulnerability (express hope/concern that you'll never be driven to that behavior), then offer some advice about how you deal with frustrating situations. The rest of us could have chimed in with our ideas. Lots of readers and their kids would have benefited from that. Is it too late to change the tone? I wonder if anyone else has advice about how to be the positive and level-headed parent that we ALL aspire to be. let's hear it! :)

Thank you for reminding me to treat my 18-month-old with as much respect and love as I do for adults. What a great parallel you drew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so shocked by the negative reactions to Issa's post that I barely know what to say.

I am the mother of four grown children. I adored being a mother, motherhood has given me some of the happiest moments of my life. My children have four different personalities, coping techniques and outlooks on life, I had to adjust to every one of them. So on one hand I do believe that true, conscientious, conscious parenting is a challenge, because I had some tough moments and some I am not proud of. That said, however, Issa's table turning example is PERFECT! There is no sneering, just stating the facts. And the fact is if we treated our adult companions in the same way some people treat their children, we would be shocked and outraged.

I don't care how tired, alone, pressured or at the end of your rope you are, it is never, ever, ever acceptable to treat your precious child in a cruel or belittling way. It is wrong in every way I can think of. Even if the child eventually grows up 'ok', it is still wrong.

Abuse, physical or verbal, is never alright. I was a single mother who worked three jobs at times, I know what it is like to be tired. I had two children who were particularly challenging, I know what it is like to be embarrassed in public and defied. I still maintain that it is wrong to treat a vulnerable child in such a way.

We all have our moments, because we are human. That does not mean we should be ok with it. There are no excuses, there can be no rationalization. Every lapse should come with a vow to try harder next time, because we are the grown-ups. That is not being judgmental, it is having high expectations. Because our children deserve it, they deserve our very best. Even if there are no guarantees, we still have to try.

I think we would all do better as parents not to be judging one another. Yes, there are lousy parents. But your sneering at them in McDonald's won't change anything. And believe me, there will come a day when words that are less than loving may cross your lips. And that's a good thing. Because your child learns you aren't perfect, no one is; and you apologize to him later and he learns from that, too.

Want to know something else? Some of those "lousy" parents end up with really decent grown-up children. It really is a crapshoot, as Katie has pointed out. She isn't saying that you can be free to give up and not try; she is just telling us not to invest everything in an outcome you really cannot control.

We live in a society that undervalues parenting while overburdening parents. As parents we are often forced to work long hours in addition to caring for our children & very often without the support of extended family, community etc. Ironically as society increases it's impossible & often contractidory ideal of what it means to b a "good parent" the support that as a society we give our parents rapidly decreases. This in no way justifys some of the actions listed above but highlights the need to support these parents & not judge them which can only serve make things worse.
I have 2 children under 2 & I also work on call at a job that I love. While at the park recently with my 2 boys I was paged to an emergency situation, after trying all the encouraging, exciting, pleading words I could think of, I had to resort to picking my 2yr old up carrying him kicking & screaming to the car & holding him down while put him in his car seat! I felt terrible & I could see the entire playground watching me! But I'd do it again if I had to, & if it was you paging me to your family you would want me to!
I am lucky to have a very supportive, partner, family & working environment & I only have 2 children but I sometimes find parenting hard! Again I am in no way trying to justify this kind of treatment of children (& I'm not talking about actual abuse situations as another poster pointed out) but for a large amount of families parenting/life is hard, often really hard & these parents deserve our help & support not our judgement.

I grew up with a mother who yelled and had difficulty controlling herself emotionally under the stresses of her life. As an adult I can sympathize with her situation: it wasn't easy. I get it. As the object of her aggression (mostly verbal) however, I can report that it was only spending a substantial portion of my time and income in my 20s and 30s on therapy that sorted the fallout for me of living with that kind of uncontrolled reactive parenting.

So thanks, Issa, for calling it out. I'm with you. (And what a great example you offer.)

I have a daughter now and meditate every morning, even if only for 5 minutes, to calm myself and prepare to focus on my time with her, whatever it brings. Some of the days are challenging, absolutely, but staying calm allows me to learn which situations we can avoid entirely next time and what kind of responses work for both me and my daughter in those circumstances. Yelling is not one of them.

Yes, of course we are all people as well as parents, and we all have bad moments. I do my damndest every day to reserve my reaction to those moments until I am alone or with another adult who will understand my reaction rather than a small child who won't.

These are the questions I think about: what is the message I want to send my daughter about how to treat other people and how am I setting that example for her in how I treat her? Is it the way I would want to be treated if I were having a bad day, wanted attention or were overtired?

Just some thoughts. And oh - The Parents Tao Te Ching is a great little resource to have on-hand even if you're not into the zen thing http://tinyurl.com/7j8fef6

I think the disagreement here is over a definition of abuse. If you are a consistently loving parent who occasionally snaps and yells at your kids because you are a human being, are you abusive? I don't think so. The way I understand it, abuse is something that occurs in a pattern. So the problem with judging other parents in public is that you have no context. Is this behavior part of a pattern? Is this child constantly yelled at and demeaned (abused), or is this a perfectly happy child in an isolated moment where mom has had enough. If the latter, sure, mom is making a mistake, but hold your judgement, because every parent had bad moments, and most of us can figure out our mistake and correct them for ourselves. So, I agree with the point that we shouldn't write off abuse under the rubric of "parenting is hard." I just think it's difficult to assess whether a situation is abusive or not when you're talking about strangers, unless something really egregious is happening of course. So lets offer support instead of judgement to other parents. Abusive parents aren't going to read a blog post and change their ways, but frustrated and nonabusive parents could certainly benefit from sharing and compassion.

I found this post problematic with an overly simplistic --and overly judgmental--argument. By accusing such a broad range of parenting behaviors as abusive, you are basically calling everyone a bad parent. Thus, we all stand guilty --an incredibly dangerous emotion for both parents and children. I've written a response. Feel free to read it at http://tinyurl.com/losingguiltgame

@Issa Waters Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.

I may get in a bit of trouble being a man posting here. But Issa I feel very strongly about this issue, and you are spot on.

First, you have identified "parent" as a verb. To many *parents* it is a noun only, and that view reflects in their children.

Second, you have eloquently detailed the difference between "reactive parenting", which is basically "I am going to punish you because I am angry at you or have no idea what else to do", and "proactive parenting", which does include discipline (a word which involves teaching, not venting), but never in anger and always for your child's future interests, not your own.

I am not a woman. I am, however, a single parent of 5, holding down a job, very often with not nearly enough sleep. Yes, parenting sometimes IS hard when there is a house full. Well that is just too bad. The time to think about that is before you have 7 kids. Now you have them, and they depend on you. This IS the job.

My fourth is a step daughter suffering from Williams Syndrome. I get special cases, believe me. She does not require violence from me, she requires protection.

I am not one of those parents who believes there is never a reason for corporal punishment. I am, however, a man who believes there is NEVER an excuse to punish your child, physically emotionally or otherwise, when you are angry, and I know for certain that after the anger passes you will most often not see a need to *punish* your child at all.

I appreciate your example of the couple, Issa. Most likely if the couple is in love, they will find humor in the situation. Let's all have a little more humor.

BC

Thank you for reminding me to think outside the box. I agree whole heartedly with what you have written!!

You have 1 child, I have 7. So as an experienced mother I can tell you that there is A LOT you do not see. Take for example my 4th child he has ADHD, he's big for his age and he's strong. If he gets into a fit and runs off or trying to throw everything off the shelves at wal-mart (like he did last week), sometimes you have to drag your child to the car because that's the only way it's going to get done. You cannot reason with with a 5 year old, especially one that is ADHD, and one that is strong. You have to get them to a place where there is no distractions and calm them down. My nephew, he's Autistic but functional. And when he gets into a fit, my sister has to put him in a "hold", to outsiders it looks like abuse. But the doctor instructed her to do it, it's the only way to calm him down. So you really can't pass judgement because you have no idea what's going on. My 4 yr old will spill his drink on purpose when it's half gone so that he can get a full one again because pop is a treat and my kids only get one, so if he does that yes I'm going to scold him for it. Again, how would you know that? You don't. And I agree with some of the other comments, let's see this when your kid is about 9 and up. :) Much luck to you.

Issa, I would love to re-visit this post with you when your child is at their preteen years. A lot transpires at that time (puberty + peer pressure) and I have found myself in situations that I NEVER dreamed of (when your preteen son stands taller than you and tries to take a child over the adult stand). My journey today (with a 12 yr old) pales in comparison to when my son was a toddler (as I document in my blog). Parenting is "to each his own" -- Every day a journey and every day a lesson learned (for both parent and child).

All I will say regarding any "truth" to this article is that, I think GOOD parenting is hard. Being a bad parent - yep, probably a breeze, since you don't care. Or do you? Because you were raised by bad parents who weren't worth a lick and this is all you know. Darn those bad family dynamics that just get passed on and on and on. How does one stop the crazy train? Because you are having an awful, awful day and there just doesn't seem to be any relief in sight. You feel alone. Isolated. Lost. Guit-ridden. Hopeless.

And then someone hikes up their judgie-pants and kicks you on your fallen arse.

Nice. Wouldn't it have been nice to hear an encouraging word? A helping hand lent? Some kind of heart-felt sound advice lovingly given? A joined moment of support where a weary mom can catch a breath.

Because that is my only problem with this article. There is no excuse for abuse towards a child. We all have bad days and fall far from our highest aspirations as mothers. These are certain truths. But where are your encouraging words? Where is your loving support towards mothers who are having a hard time. Tips for moms at the end of their rope? Links to sure fire stress busters? In short, if this nastly little problem has you so concerned: where are your solutions?

Because my dear.....if you cannot offer this kind of patient, loving, unconditional support towards the moms whom you've judged (and rather harshly).....I am having a really hard time believing it is offered to your children All.The.Time. I'm finding it difficult to believe you are an Unending Fountain of Patience. If you cannot summon an ounce of sympathy, compassion or empathy for a mom who has made a mistake - or countless ones; I have to wonder how your children are treated when they make the same mistakes. over and over and over.

Or do you only practice this super parenting inside your home? The rest of us, struggling outside your doors.....well, we just don't deserve the same tokens of grace? Please, I think your article has some great and valid points, but don't leave it like this. Don't leave someone out there feeling like hell because they read this and the conviction is about to pull them apart. Give them something more. Something positive.

Don't just be a spotlight on an issue: fill the room with light!

Bravely and boldly said! I do think that parenting is very, very hard. It's the hardest job I've ever loved. But I certainly don't think it's an excuse to mistreat children. I think you're right that many of the ways that people treat children would not be tolerated for a moment among adults. It's quite atrocious, really. And in some cases, flat out abusive.

That being said, I also think that parents need a lot more support and resources to help them parent better. Many of us were mistreated as children and don't have much to go on. Sometimes the feeling of love for a child just isn't enough to make a person stop reacting to years of conditioning and cultural messages. BUT instead of making excuses like "parenting is hard", we need to educate and heal ourselves and take a proactive role in making sure children are treated with love and compassion. And yes, that's really, really hard to do for some people. That's what makes parenting hard. You have to own up to your own shortcomings and FIX them.

This post certainly uses some strong language. And I certainly feel the need to constantly repent and improve myself and some of the things I do, especially in regards to my parenting.

I once wrote a post about The "Hard" Things of Parenting Toddlers found here: http://whatsupfagans.blogspot.com/2011/09/hard-things-of-parenting-toddlers.html but in it I did not say that parenting was hard, but that some things/actions of our children can be hard on us, the parents.

Our children are perfect. They are beautiful. They are fine. They are innocent. Even when they make messes, destroy books, smack their sister, they are innocent. They are still learning right from wrong! They cannot be held accountable (yet.... My girls aren't even 2). But, WE, as parents, ARE accountable for our reactions, for our language, our tone of voice, because as this article said "Children are small, dependent people, and we should be doubly sure not to treat them like shit."

Of course I need to teach my kids morals and such (and you can read about my toddler tactics here: http://whatsupfagans.blogspot.com/2012/01/parenting-tactics-for-toddlers.html ) but in a loving way. Jesus taught and corrected people constantly, but in a way that showed love. It's good to discipline.

I know that I too often let my anger and frustration (and lack of sleep or illness) stop me from being patient, and I admit, I yell at my not even two-year old twins. And I feel stupid for it immediately, every time. Why am I freaking out at them? I have forgotten in that moment that THEY are more important than THINGS, whether those things be appearance, social normals, a clean house, peers, society, expectations, whatever.

So, while parenting is certainly designed to help us as parents grow and mature, but challenging us with children and everything that entails, it is not meant for us to be overbearing, controlling, rough, rude, crude, or coarse. They are not meant for us to take our frustrations out on. We love our children. It should be easy to be nice to them, though it isn't always, but it's not our childrens faults. It is our own.

I think parenting is hard. I definitely struggle with it from time to time. But that doesn't mean that it gives me a reason to abuse my child, ever. There is a difference between getting frustrated over a spilled drink and being abusive or treating your child poorly. We can all only hope that when they left the restaurant and got in the car, he apologized to his son.

As someone who was regularly verbally abused as a child (and both my parents were also verbally and physically abused, so they had no role models) I wish they could read this and understand it. My mother is full of excuses and has never taken responsibility for her ways.

There are no excuses - get counselling or don't have kids if you can't treat them with respect. I went to counselling; my sister got her tubes tied. I am working ten times harder than non-abused moms to make sure I do not pass down that style of parenting to my son and I resolved that if I ever screw up (and I admit it's possible I will) I will have the honesty and decency to apologize (unlike my parents). The cycle of abuse CAN be broken if you set the bar high enough.

Anyone who is having a knee-jerk or gut reaction to this post needs to stop and think about what they're doing and set things right. There is no excuse.

That's true, maybe if the scene at McDonald's was between two adults it WOULD cause some eye rolls. BUT....what if it was a scene between two adults? And what if the woman screamed and cried and lied down on the floor because she wanted that medium drink? What if the woman didn't do a single thing for herself even though she was completely capable? What if she spokely cruelly to the man she was with for the forty minutes leading up to the event. What if she yelled 'I don't love you!' just because the man said that two napkins were enough. Do you still think that the people in the restaurant would have not batted an eye. Perhaps they would have stood up and cheered.
There is so much judgement in this post I can't even believe it.

I think the simple point is that there really isn't any excuse for abusive behavior. But lots of the behavior that everyone is talking about isn't abusive, just bad parenting. I have never had much patience for people who name call and talk to down to kids (or anyone else for that matter.) I always had self-esteem issues, and I try hard to make sure I don't pass that along to my kids.

However, I'm not sure about someone who says they've never been mad at their kids, or who can reason with a tantrum-having two-year-old. The thing is this--they are two, and they don't have adult reasoning skills. Sometimes it just has to be, "Okay, we're done." I have left carts full of groceries standing in the store before and left. If one of my kids couldn't pull it together in a restaurant, then one of us would go to the vehicle and wait on everyone else. Your kids have to be taught to respect you, not because you will scare them or scream at them or call them a bad name or even hit them, but because they know you will consistently follow through with whatever consequences are promised. Period.

Now that my son is almost a teenager, I will freely admit that I have yelled at him. I am a loud, frank, hard-headed person, and he is just like me. It can be both his best and worst quality. And now that he's older sometimes we clash. But even at my maddest, I don't call him a name. And yes, if I feel like I cross a line, I will absolutely apologize. I would be lying, though, if I said I think all yelling is bad, and I wonder at anyone who claims to never yell at their kids. For me, accidents have never been a big deal--like spilling a drink--because they are, well, accidents! Now, if my son was misbehaving, climbing on chairs, not listening, and knocked over his drink, to me that seems like a situation that needs some discipline.

This is touchy, tough subject, because everyone gets VERY hostile when they think someone is criticizing their parenting skills. I try not to judge, because I know I make mistakes daily. My hope is that my kids can see me try to fix my mistakes, and also learn that you have to own the consequences.