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If you are a parent of a teenager, there are a few things you should know that might help you feel...better about this new journey. Parents of preteens, this most likely applies to you, too. Parents of toddlers, I apologize for the glimpse into your probable future. You see, parenting a teenager is like being dropped into a foreign country--while you were sleeping-- and you have no Parent to Teen Translation Guide. It can be disorienting, confusing and frustrating. However, there are a few things you can do that may help you out. Well, help may be a strong word. Perhaps I should say a few things that may aid you in feeling less like a foreigner and more like a tourist on an extended trip through Teenville.
First, you are stupid. Now, it does not matter if you were the smartest person on the face of the Earth prior to the teen years. Now? Well, now you are probably the stupidest person ever. Whereas you once had the answers to everything, you currently know nothing. And when I say nothing, I mean you have the intelligence of a rock where your teen is concerned. Other parents? Well, they probably think you are still smart, so you can rest comfortably in that. The good news? As your teen grows up-- and it make take until he or she has kids of his or her own-- you will once again be brilliant. You just have to ride out your stupidity for now. It's okay. We are all Stupid Parents of Know-It-All Teens. Welcome to our club. We would have meetings, but we are not quite smart enough to plan any.
Secondly, you are not cool. Not even a little bit. Don't even bother trying. It is like nailing Jello to a tree. Pointless and impossible. You may have been the super star of the world once upon a time, but now you are a dork. This is especially true if The Teen is around his friends. Even if his friends think you are a "cool parent", trust me when I say your teen still thinks you are the most uncool person to walk upright. Personally, this just adds to the enjoyment. The moment my sons put on their "My Mom is so uncool" hat, I immediately become just what they fear. God bless the updated Freaky Friday movie for the embarrassing line of "Make good choices!" shouted out of a car window to a teenager. If you think I have not popped that one out when I get attitude, you either don't know me or don't see the humor in finding creative ways to keep your kids from acting too cool to have a parent.
Can we talk about your wardrobe? It just isn't working. It doesn't matter if you are impeccably dressed for the office and would make it on Blackwell's Top Ten Best Dressed List. Your teen is not impressed. You probably look like a nerd. Or we can go to the other side of the spectrum. Take for instance the other day when I had on an old pair of jeans and a vintage concert t-shirt. Comfortable. Casual. And might I mention the t-shirt in question is the exact t-shirt The Teen stole out of my closet just a week before to wear to school. Now? Now it is just "so old and outdated" and makes me look like I am trying to be cool and failing miserably. Seriously. You cannot win no matter what you wear, so don't try. Even stealing one of their very own t-shirts is a crime against humanity. In fact, once it has touched your body, it is no longer a shirt they will ever wear again. (I have found this useful on more than one occasion when I really covet something The Teen has in his closet.) When it comes to how you dress, dress for yourself because you will never be cool enough for your Teen.
Now that we have established that you are stupid, uncool and cannot dress yourself properly, let's go over a few guidelines. I did not make them up, but have been well trained by my teen and near-teen
