Have Parents Forgotten How to Host?

Oh my gosh. I almost cried watching this incident go down. I have never had anything like this happen to me or anyone I know before but I can just imagine how awkward this must have been for that poor girl. I just can't get over the amount of ignorance here. Surely someone would one of them must have noticed that she was barely eating anything and obviously was not prepared to eat out/pay her own way.

I think it's just common courtesy/kindness to make sure that the CHILD you have with you eats. Oh and did I mention the fact that she has a CHILD in her care? Seriously is she really that stupid not to notice that the girl did not have money for lunch. I agree with what other posters have said, when you agree to host someone, especially a child, you agree to pay for their lunch. It really does come down to a kindness thing. When you have a child with you, you should treat that child as if it were your own, meaning you make sure it eats.

I remember being a teen and having similar things happen with friends. When I was expecting to eat out, I had enough money on me to cover, just in case I needed to pay for myself (whether I was invited to go or just tagged along when I was around). This problem always arose, however, whenever I went somewhere with someone else and was NOT expecting to eat out. I often didn't bring cash as a teen if I wasn't expecting to use it (I was taught to only take with you money for emergency phone calls and money you were going to use, which was a smart budgeting tool for my working-class family). I was always embarrassed and often just pretended to not be hungry, which wasn't always the case (especially if we were gone longer than I expected).

This happened a few times in college as well. One that sticks in my mind was when I went to a music festival with a group of friends. We pooled money and bought food to cook at the campsite. I made sure to double-check that we were not going to be eating out at the town near the fest and ONLY brought enough money to buy a t-shirt from my favorite band and to pay for my share of gas. One day they decided to go into town to eat, and I was stuck sitting at the table with all of them with nothing in front of me while they chowed down. No one said anything to me about it or thought it was weird, even after I mentioned on the drive in (we went in to get gas, not to eat) that I couldn't eat since I didn't have any extra money for it. They still decided to eat out and leave me sitting there feeling extremely awkward. Just thinking about it still makes me feel embarrassed and awkward and less-than, if that makes sense.

I don't think it's a new thing that this is happening, but I think it greatly depends on what your family is used to. Even though we didn't have much money, my parents truly hosted my friends when they were around. To me, if you invite someone to go with you somewhere, you are the host and pay for their meal (if it's to dinner). If I ask if I can tag along, I expect to pay for myself. (The caveat here is that sometimes you just want to go to lunch/dinner/coffee with someone and you are NOT hosting them, but are instead choosing a food place as a gathering spot. Then everyone pays for him/herself.) You don't ask a friend you know can't afford extra expenses to go out to dinner with you, unless you expect to host that person.

Now that I'm older, I think most adult people just expect to pay for themselves more, but I don't think that should be the case with kids. I do not have my own children, but when I hosted my niece for three weeks, I paid for her food and all the things we decided to do while she was here. She paid for her "extras," such as souvenir shirts and travel presents for her parents and sister. She brought money especially for those kinds of things and budgeted for what she was going to get for each person.

Glad to see so many moms agree... definitely pay for the friend. I had a relative take me out to dinner once when I was a teen. She and her husband paid for themselves and left me to pay my portion. I never forgot that awkwardness.

The book, Three Cups of Tea, goes along with what you are saying. Hospitality shows others we care about them. So important.

I would pay the way for the girl's friend. It is the kind and courteous thing to do.

I have one in college and one just graduated. I always hosted and supplied food etc.

I am so happy to be away from the grade school, middle school and high school days because I found the parents to be so busy with working, parenting, chaufeuring, etc that being courteous and kind go by the wayside.

Shoot. My kids are grown and have kids of their own and sometimes I *still* pay for their friends. I don't get this kind of behavior. At. All.

That stinks. That exact thing happened to me so many times when I was young. I was too shy to speak up and ask for help in those situations. If I would have been there I would have ordered her a HUGE plate of food and asked the workers to deliver it to her table saying her order was ready.

Sometimes people are so self absorbed. Gosh.

I am the mother of two daughters, ages 13 and 9, and we constantly have extra kids around. We always offer food, whether at our house or not, to our guests. Sometimes they bring their own money, sometimes they don't but the intent is that I will always be prepared to host them. Now, I do send my daughters with money whenever they are out with friends, "just in case". It really is surprising to me how many families do treat their children's friends like this - it is not a unique situation unfortunately. I want my children and their friends to feel so wanted around me that they keep coming back. If they are at my house, or with me, then I know what they are up to! Otherwise, believe me, your children will be living with someone else's family.

Bad mom. Stupid woman. I'm not backing down, either. I frankly don't care what was on her mind that caused her to completely disregard a child, because whatever it was, it will never trump a child: hers, yours, anyone's. Did anyone else notice that this woman is also teaching her own child to disregard others as well? Neither of them seemed to notice that other girl dining on water. Shame on them both, and I hope the left-out girl learned a valuable lesson about choosing one's friends more wisely.

I can't think up a single excuse for this woman's behavior. I can't even rationalize her behavior away. I can only shake my head in disgust for her and pity/future disgust for her own daughter, and complete & total sympathy for the second girl.

I guess the lesson here is to always make sure our own kids have enough money to get by, even when they've been invited out by someone else's parent. You know, just in case that other mother is actually a mother-________.

What a mortifying situation. Really unique situation you shed light on. Something to consider for when my kids are older. I will always make sure they have money on them.

You should have bought that girl a meal to shame the mother. I always pay for my kids' friends, but my son's friend's mother is like this. They even invited him out to dinner for his friend's birthday, and my son had to pay for his own meal. What's strange is this is a wealthy family. They certainly can afford a bday meal.

This is terrible...bad manners!

I agree - Hosting is hosting, whether you decide to go or stay in. If for some reason that isn't an option, a conversation ahead of time between the parents is where it should be addressed... A kid should never be stuck awkwardly wondering how she's going to eat... and then watch her hosts dig in.

The situation you describe illustrates the complete lack of awareness on the mother's part. Regardless of whether or not she is responsible for paying for the child's meal, to leave the child in a situation where she was clearly uncomfortable is really unkind. And that's really what we want to teach our children. Not necessarily courtesy or manners or proper etiquette, but kindness always.

My attitude is children are always welcome in my home and will always be treated as my own. You never know where they are coming from or what life at home is like. So you just love on them. Sometimes that means showing generosity. Sometimes showing limits. But always love and kindness. This woman really missed an opportunity and that is unfortunate.

I think the mother should have at least offered to buy the other girl some food. I can't believe the mother's daughter didn't say something either? If my son is hanging out with a friend for the day and I know they're going out, I always offer money to the parents and when he's old enough, I'll give him money for these situations.

I don't think that a parent <em>has</em> to treat their children's friends every time, all the time. I think it would actually be rude of the accompanying friend, depending on their age, to assume that their meal is going to be paid for, especially if it's time and time again. Personally, I wouldn't let my kid's friends go without, but that's just me. My mom wouldn't have, either, whether my friends were actually with us or had just ran into us, but again, that's her. I don't think this makes this woman a bad person, but it does make you think about how you want to treat other people.

When I was a freshman in high school, this kid on my bus -- we'll call him J -- got off at my bus stop and invited himself over to my house, telling me he lived within walking distance and would just hang out for a while. I think it was the first time I'd actually brought someone home from school, but he was not exactly a friend. Still, I figured he'd stay for a couple of hours and then he'd go home, so I went with the flow. After all, he wanted to play video games, and I'm a video game nerd. J ended up inviting himself to dinner, then staying so late that my mom had to tell him it was getting late and that he should probably head home, and he asked for a ride home. My mom didn't bat an eye, but I was mortified at his lack of manners. I still admire my mom's go with the flow attitude, and feel like that was one of many things she did while raising me that made me who I am today.

I think this woman at the mall should have, as others said, found a way to feed her daughter's friend, too. It's mall food; it's not that expensive. They could have shared, or they could have bought a pizza and split it instead of buying several Chinese dinners. However, I don't think it makes her a bad person or a bad mother; she just needs a lesson in manners. I was raised in a family that practically forced you to eat, even if you said you weren't hungry. As I said, I don't think a parent <em>has</em> to treat their child's friends, but they <em>should</em>.

I would never take my son and a friend out and not pay for his friend. That being said, I do always send DS with enough money to pay for his own. I don't want him being caught in that kind of awkward situation.

this mom missed it entirely - in taking care of a child in her care - and in teaching her daughter to be kind, considerate, and generous.

I just can't imagine. It's as if you sat down at the dinner table at your own house and didn't invite your guests to join you.

WOW - that is horrible!!! I cannot imagine not paying for their friends. So sad. :(((

Ouch, that's not cool. This point about people who have less sharing more is one that I've often experienced, as well. It seems like they hold on less tightly because they know it's not permanent anyway.

I'm sort of mortified by the visual of this child eating only an egg roll and a cup of water... ugh.

I see this a lot, I have three teenage daughters, so at any given time I have an extra along for the ride. I always have the girls order first and the friend always orders something really small and then looks in her purse, as if she's hoping to find some money. I always tell them "stop being weird and order something you really want , I've got it, don't worry" and they look at me like they are shocked and amazed. I find it sad that this mother could just discard the girl and not think twice about it. It's just common courtesy, and if the Mother couldn't afford it, they could have all shared or not eaten at all. Very sad.

The Mom obviously has a responsibility here for the other teen. The teen is spending time with them and is currently "her charge," if you will. One of two things should have happened here: 1. The mom should have discussed lunch with the other parent first to see if the girl could get lunch. If she couldn't, they shouldn't eat at the mall. If she could, she should have discussed whether the mom taking them out would pay or if the teen would be given/have money to pay for lunch. 2. The Mom should have let all the girls go ahead of her and then paid at the end. Either one would have been SO much better than what you witnessed. Gah. Awful!