Part 2, This is Me
By RiverRei on April 17, 2014
Hey again! Here is the continuation of my book. There aren't many juicy details yet but you have to get through the filler information before you can get to the good stuff, right? :) Let me know what you think so far!
I wasn't sure what to expect when I sat down in her office for that first session. It had a small love seat up against the wall, with a window behind it. The love seat was facing the door. There is a desk set up against the wall perpendicular to the door, with a shelf to the left of it with lots of inspirational books about healing and what not. I remember sitting down and being really unsure of what was going to happen. I was afraid. It's a common theme in my life. I'm always afraid of something.
I don't even remember what the first few words I spoke were, but Sarah stopped me. She does that and I think it's very cool how passionate she is. Usually being interrupted would bug the crap out of me, but it didn't bother me when she did. She'll stop me and go on and on talking about books she has read, books I should read, and stories about her life that make me feel good that she can talk to me about it. Makes it easier to talk about mine with her, and I'm sure she knows that.
Anyway, she interrupts me and asks, "Did you stage manage the Pied Piper?" I was shocked, I paused with what I'm sure was a deer-in-the-headlights look on my face, and my arms out in front of me. I always talk with my hands and now they are out there making me look like a fool in front of this obviously smart and funny woman. All I could say was, "Uh, yeah I was." with my arms out in front of me, like a statue. She didn't hesitate, she responded with "Oh my gosh, my daughter was in that. I knew you looked and sounded familiar. I remember you yelling at the kids to be quiet back stage." She was laughing about it and enjoying the memory. I, on the other hand, was terrified even more. I didn't know it was possible at the time. I'm going to tell this woman my deepest and darkest thoughts about myself and my life, and I had spent time with her daughter? She's going to think I'm crazy and never want me to be around her daughter ever again...
Thankfully I was mistaken. She went on about how she understands that my past may be affecting me emotionally but that not everyone mimics what they have been through and inflicts it on others. She told me about how she had also been assaulted and is an example of not inflicting what she's been through onto others. She felt certain that I wasn't going to be any danger to her child and I was relieved.
To be honest, sometimes I'm not sure about that myself. I have control, and will power, but lately it has been becoming more and more difficult to be me, stay in the moment, and not let my mind be elsewhere while my body is doing things that aren't in my character. I told Sarah about some of the things I've put my fiancé through; one major incident was about me talking with this boy who lives on the other side of the United States from me. He's a couple years younger than I am and we had apparently been talking for about a month by the time my fiancé found out. I say 'apparently' because I have absolutely no recollection of ever speaking with this boy. It was the straw that broke the camel's back with my fiancé. It wasn't the first time that my body had done something like this, told some guy that I liked him, wanted to have his babies, wanted to move to where he was and be with him; but those other times I was at least somewhat aware of what was going on, even if I wasn't connected with the situation or even controlling the conversation. Someone else was driving and all I could do was watch it all happen. Like when you slip on a stair walking up. You feel your foot slip and, in slow motion, watch yourself fall down but there is no way you can stop it from happening. You will still get hurt.
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