Part 3, Inspiration
By RiverRei on April 18, 2014
Here is the next portion of my book :) I'm posting every day now, but since I only write about 850 words every day, and I'm posting over that amount, the posting may slow once I catch up to myself. Stay tuned, the juicy parts are coming :)
Sarah has been an inspiration to me already, even after two sessions with her. She lent me a book to read, Finding Angela Shelton, to see how it would affect me. As soon as I started reading it, I had that nagging, anxious feeling that I didn't want to read this because I didn't want to think about what I had been through. That's always been my issue, if I don't think about it then it's not there and I don't have to deal with it. The only problem was that it is so well written that I had a hard time putting the book down. I was very uncomfortable throughout. Page by page, I would cringe with anticipation about when the next time I was going to hear someone's story. I would cringe because it would make me think of my own life and compare it to those mentioned in the book. I actually would sit in bed, against my bed chair, and read with my legs tightly together, just in case. I knew nothing was going to happen but it still made me feel better.
I felt connected to the writer, Angela Shelton. How she was learning about herself through the other Angela Sheltons she met and interviewed on her trip. She didn't know until near the end of the project that the movie she was making was about her; finding herself, and moving on from what she had been through and finally finding that closure. That was the most inspiring to me. I connected and realized that my love for writing is what was going to help me go from victim to survivor the most. I've always enjoyed writing but all of my stories were in third person. I was never able to write about myself or anything I had been through. It's difficult typing it out now, but I have the inspiration and motivation of Angela Shelton keeping me going. I realized while reading that I needed to write out my story as well. I needed to get my story out on paper for everyone to see. I may not be fully healed yet, not even close, but maybe someday my story will help and be inspirational to other women out there. I may even be trying to force myself to heal faster by writing, but if you don't push yourself then you may never obtain your goals in life. The only issue now, is where to begin...
Of course, there is always the beginning. The difficult part with that is I don't remember much from when I was really young, no one usually does. There are also other aspects of my life than just the sexual trauma that have made me who I am today that I would like to share. It's not simply this trauma that goes untold and unrecognized that can be damaging to a person. It is, also, realizing that the sexual abuse is not the only part of my history that make me who I am; which is important. That realization is what will help me move forward.
There is also the issue of telling everyone in the world my story. I know there are people in my life that would not be very happy that what happened is out in the open. It would most likely ruin relationships with others, and definitely the relationship I have with my family. I had to think long and hard about whether I wanted to use the real names of everyone involved in my history, or whether I wanted to keep protecting them by hiding their identities. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it's not about protecting them. This book isn't about how it will affect them. It is about how their actions affected me and how I want to write the story, and how I want to heal from the damage they caused. I do feel I need to protect myself, though. I have been through enough, I don't think I could handle all the family drama that would go along with revealing the true identities.
I'm sure that sounds incredibly selfish of me. Which bugs me on many levels. I've been called selfish time and time again in my life. I cannot stand being selfish, and cannot stand selfish people. But, you know what? I know better. I know that I am one of the most selfless people you will ever know. This is definitely a step in the right direction, because for years I believed all those people who told me I was selflish. Now I know that anyone who thinks differently doesn't know me very well. That, or they have been an unfortunate victim of my Dissociative Identity Disorder, and I am so sorry for that. However, everyone needs to be selfish once in awhile. For their own sanity. And this is what I choose to be selfish about. I care too much about what people think and that is partially the reason I'm as selfless as I am. If I didn't care what people think, then why would it matter if they called me selfish? Well, I wish it was easy to just not care.