Part 7, Regrets

Hey everyone :) Here is the next portion of my story. There are some graphic details in this portion, so reader beware. It's still difficult for me to read and think about, but it's the only I'll be able to move on. Here we go:

 

In no time he had all of my clothes off and had pushed himself inside me. I couldn't believe it. I thought he was a nice guy and here he was forcing himself inside me...I just went limp. I figured that either way he was going to do what he wanted. So I chose to not feel anything at all. The fight, or flight method? Doesn't work in this sort of situation. Instead you freeze. You are as still as possible and not able to feel what's going on. You are completely numb; emotionally and physically. Only once I went numb did he ask me if I was okay. The next 60 seconds were complicated. Bottom line is he raped me. Since he had already put himself inside, me I just nodded. He asked me, “Are you sure?” and instead of saying no and having him stop right there, I said yeah and actually started kissing and biting his neck so that he would finish and just get it over with. I encouraged him! Thinking back, I knew that it wouldn't have worked even if I had said no. He would have just kept going anyway and gotten what he wanted. But I will always carry with me the fact I helped him. I helped him degrade and impregnate me.

This isn't the only thing that he had done to me. After this, he must have thought he owned me or something. On more than one occasion, I was afraid that he was going to hit me. He would get really angry and get in my face. He would hit the wall really close to me and scare me. I always played it off as if it didn't scare me, but the truth is I was terrified. I even egged him on to hit me, and thankfully he never did. I left for college and texted him back and forth a bit. Making him think we were together so he wouldn't come after me. He even knew that I was pregnant. He had purchased me a test and given it to a mutual friend to hand off to me when she returned the campus. They both basically forced me to take the test. I didn't want to, I didn't want to know he had gotten me pregnant with what he had done to me. I didn't want to think about what I would do if I were pregnant. With my terrible luck, I was indeed pregnant. I made the worst decision imaginable. I thought I could handle getting an abortion. I was two months into my freshman year of college, I didn't want to drop out already to raise a baby. I know, that is incredibly selfish of me. I know. I couldn't handle someone else taking care of my child with adoption. I felt like abortion was the only option. I will regret this day and decision for the rest of my life. It's the only regret I have in my life. I even know that I was going to have a baby girl. My roommate at the time, God bless her, told my mother waht I was doing. I couldn't keep the news of what I was doing a secret from her. I was not happy with my roommate for telling her at first, but looking back, I am so grateful. I hope one day that I can tell her that.

My mom and I were in our “wonderful mother-daughter relationship” stage so she knew I wasn't feeling well. She didn't know it was morning sickness. I remember her picking me up from classes the day she showed up on campus and having this strange look on her face upon seeing me. Morning sickness was not being good to me. I never threw up, thankfully, but I felt very sick and very close to vomitting 24 hours a day and seven days a week while I had morning sickness. I was amazed I was able to get myself to go to classes. She had come into town a few days after my morning sickness had started so I was not well. She said I was so pale, so white that I looked like a ghost. She said that she was scared because I was so white. She even brought me some homemade chicken noodle soup. She took care of me, before and after the abortion. My roommate informed her of what I was going to do. My mom called my dad and he even showed up. I didn't know he was coming until my mother and I were on our way back to my dorm room after going out for dinner and he was there, walking toward us. I never in my life have had a moment like that. Both of my parents were there for me for a very intense time in my life and they were there for me.

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