My mother, unintentionally but definitively, passed on her issues with food and weight to me. I spent my teens quite thoroughly convinced that, because I was overweight, nothing else I did was of any value. If I was pretty and thin first, THEN I could begin to consider any other accomplishments.

When I lost 80 pounds as a High School Junior (in a mostly healthy fashion, cutting back on calories and exercising regularly) I thought "Okay! Now my life can begin. Now I can matter." But once my self-esteem lost the temporary boost provided by fitting into the "right" size, I was left thinking "But I'm THIN! Why am I still miserable?"

It's such a miopic view to take of ourselves, or of anyone else! I still look at other mothers who have managed to keep the figure they had at 18 with a little envy,but that's because I'm human! And who knows what it costs them to get there or what other demons they might be fighting? I am finally at the point of accepting, without apology, that anyone who is going to judge based solely on whether or not I can squeeze into a size 6... is not anyone I need to waste my time apologizing to for what I look like.

That said? I exercise regularly, take the time to do hair and make-up (most days...) and I still keep a goal weight in mind when I step onto the scale. I want to be comfortable with my weight and my looks... I also want to continue to learn to play the violin and finish my book of short stories. It's not easy, but we have to learn that what we weigh or how we look is only one small part of the total package. If we let it become "everything", we miss out on all the other possibilities....

Stay At Aum Mom

HI, Thanks so much for your post and sharing the book information and your thoughts. I have three teenage daughters and listen to how they talk about their bodies and think they are fat. (They are NOT, which is scary to me). Having grown up feeling like many of the post expressions here, I want so much for them not to go through what I did. With all I have shared with them about my body image issues,implants and weight, when they grab their perfect female belies and say "Oh I am so fat", I know they can not hear my messages. I just hope somewhere in there, they got it.
Our values are expressed in — as well as magnified and exaggerated by -- our popular culture. TV programming, movies, music videos, magazines, etc. almost always tell us that only the only way women can be attractive is to be sexy and beautiful. Even the amazingly accomplished women characters we see on such shows as Gray’s Anatomy or CSI are all slim and stunning. If these are the cultural cues that bombard our daughters everyday, it’s no wonder they are having body image issues.

This is a huge change since my days playing Erin on The Waltons. I and the other actors playing the Walton brood spent very little time worrying about our looks ( until the pressure of Hollywood was realized). We ran around in depression era clothers.Off the set, we were trying to be normal kids. And while we were all cute enough (I thought), we were not uniformly gorgeous.

These days, even on kids’ channels like Disney or Nickolodean, the ‘tween stars wouldn’t be caught without makeup, and we get the idea that when they are off the set, they spend a lot of time working out and conferring with stylists. Then we hear about their struggles to transition to adult roles: Think cute, normal teen girl Hillary Duff suddenly 20 pounds lighter and acutely bonier appearing in videos steamy enough to give Madonna a run for the money. Or the very talented JoJo, a moderately attractive teenager in the movie Aquamarine, but who emerges a year later in a music video in de rigueur tight clothes, heavy make-up and big hair. The message to girls? To be a successful adult, this is the only path available to you.

Denise’s informal survey was prompted by the fact that she recently read Courtney Martin’s book, Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters. Hmm, I’m going to have to check it out. Anyway, the book made her second-guess everything she’s said and done with her own daughters. Denise, I feel the same way sometimes.
No need to second-guess yourself, Denise, because it’s normal for girls to worry about their looks. But if your daughters are also worrying about over-scheduling, then obviously, you are trying to provide other things from which they can get a healthy sense of self-worth, and that’s the best we moms can do!
Hang in there. Together we can get through it all!

Thans again, Mary Mom

Last evening, I thought I would tune in to a new TV series that had been touted loudly and repeatedly for the last two or three weeks, "Saving Grace." I usually enjoy watching the star of the series, Holly Hunter. The show began with her naked in bed with a man. Her body was skeletal. That is no exaggeration. It was like watching a skeleton. I couldn't look.

This is the type of body that is being held up to our daughters as the body to strive for. It's scary, and it will continue as long as Hollywood portrays this body type as beautiful. Healthy is out. Skeletal is in.

Frances Ellen is the Narrator of the Story of Nadia - The continuing fiction story of a card reader named Nadia.

I am not actively raising a daughter but as a woman who experienced battles with bulimia throughout high school and college, I worry that my biological daughter may inherit those unfortunate thoughts and actions by any contact even though I've "overcome" my disorder. I think I'll get two copies; one for me and one for her mom. :)

Family Living; Hatfield Style
Birth/First Parent Blog
The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

I have always been fat,/bordering on obese, to obese.
When I was young it was euphemistically referred to as baby fat. Then I was called big boned.

It was the shame of my family, and the topic of conversation anytime we got together for the holidays. It got to the point of my plate was inspected by the rest of my family and criticisms were heaped if I had too much of one thing like oh, carrots and not enough of another like green beans.

I constantly heard how I owed it to my parents to lose the weight and lose it now! I should be thankful to be in the family I was in, some kids were not so lucky. Here's the thing, I was not a part of that family, thjey made it clear I was " the redheaded stepchild"

I am adopted, I look nothing like my adopted family, I am redheaded where they are all varying shades of brunette to dirty blonde. I am fair skinned and green eyed. They all tan and have beautiful brown eyes.
My whole childhood and even now if I were to speak to any of them, I would be chastised for still being obese. They don't want to hear about the medical issues I am learning I have that are genetic. Can't blame them I am not "really" theirs.
The whole weight issue scares the hell out of me.
I would hate for anyone else to have to feel the way I did growing up, hearing repeatedly that " no one will be your friend or love you if you are fat."
It scares me to look at what is expected from the young girls today, how to look and act to get ahead.

I sometimes think I still have the weight issues to prove them all wrong. I am loved and do have friends, even now when I am " as big as a house" ( last bit direct quote from my mom on my wedding day)
I wish there had been books back then about how to raise a child with healthy self esteem no matter what!

I blog at A Red headed Step Child

So grateful i grew up in Africa where the notion of your weight is not something I ever thought of. Never throughout my teenage years did I even experience an insecurity around my weight and yet I guess by north american standards I would have been considered chunky. Is it becuase being skinny girls never got dates or is it because being lucky enough to eat made the notion of dieting ludicrous or is it because the idea of self worth being measured by the way you look as opposed to your ability to contribute to the greater good of others is baffling...I'm not sure I can explain why...wish you could experience another perspective for yourself...
YC from another planet...yummychick.com

I hate to be quoted in this article, to be honest. My post about Dairy Queen was actually an example of modeling healthy eating behavior, which has been and will always be my goal. By only eating a third of my dessert before throwing it out (or ruining it in this case because we were in the car and I couldn't put it down anywhere), I feel like I'm showing my kids that moderation is what's important.

Having had gastric bypass surgery and maintaining a weight loss of over 100 pounds for more than four years and through two pregnancies, I have probably the most healthy body image of any woman I know, in person or online.

At a healthy size 14, I am in no way shape or form a THIN woman, but I LOVE my body.

When you are a young girl, you should not have to worry about what you eat! No body should! Eat whatever you want ladies! Seriously, if I learned anything, its that FOOD. no matter how much I have...will not fill me up..what we need to be filled up with is... love. I know. it sounds corny.. but its true. Women need fulfillment from their selves and others. So to start, how about better role models for girls when they are young? Here is a brand that I think is great.. for girls!
http://www.hulalagirls.com

And ladies! Love yourself! xo

Being thin is not important. Respecting and taking care of your body is SO important. I was a heavy girl in high school and I think my extra weight was a physical manifestation of a lacking within myself. I just ate to pacify my emotional dissatisfaction. I overate - which I feel is a form of self mutilation just as harmful as obsessing about being thin. Eating good foods and exercising is a beautiful way of showing respect to yourself. Loving your body regardless of what it looks like is equally important in showing respect to yourself. Both are important. Perhaps the media is simply mirroring society's declining respect for the body. Appropriate limits and boundaries set for our children and ourselves are invaluable expressions of love, care and respect.
Char

I'm a firm believer in Naomi Wolf's quote, "A mother who radiates self-love and acceptance actually vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem."

The problem I'm having is with the vaccination itself. It's still in the experimental phase. Some days it works and some days I slip into my old patterns, checking every woman in the room to compare myself to her, feeling proud or exhausted or depressed or anxious or excited and having the insatiable desire to eat as a reward/punishment/different feeling. My daughter is 2 years old and I hope to have an FDA approved vaccination by the time she's five. Will that be too late?

Julianne Hale
http://www.anothergrayhair.com

I myself have struggled with issues around my body and eating...I often wonder what my mom could have done differently...like if there was even anything to be done differently. My mom was such a great role model and dedicated parent it seems impossible to pinpoint how it started. I remember thinking to myself when was the first time I looked in the mirror and said "I hate my body". I can't remember...

I think it something I have really questioned myself about how I would raise my daughter, when I have children, to have a positive and healthy view of her body...even more so to realize that you are soooo much more than the case that you live in. There is some much other attributes of ourselves--talents, ideas, and dreams--which deserve so much more time than an obsession over our bodies.

My older sister has a young daughter and she says you don't think this but as a parent you end up wanting to shelter your kids as much as possible. I can see what she means. It's a tough situations and I am not sure there is any one answer.

I just picked that book up today.

Without sounding like I'm trying to garner sympathy, I have severe food allergies (of the "I could possibly die if I eat this," not the "my holistic therapist tells me to avoid wheat and dairy," kind), to hear woman constantly talking about "being bad" for eating a bagel makes me feel jealous.

I think I'm really on the outside, here. I also wonder if growing up in a good, old fashioned, working class Italian family has given me a completely different outlook on food. I've never felt ashamed to say I like to eat.

To answer the question, would I rather be stupid or fat? Fat, please. Granted, this is coming from someone without any "major" weight issues. I'm definitely heavier than I was in my twenties, but that's the least of my problems right now.

Thanks so much for recommending this book and posting about such an important topic.

Since my daughter was born, my biggest fear has been passing on my food weirdness and body issues to her. I worry I'm doing it without even noticing.

The statistic you mention about young women preferring to be run over by a truck than to be fat is interesting. In my college "Intro to Womens Studies" class, this very question was posed. The vast majority of women (including, perhaps, myself, though I don't remember my answer) raised their hand when presented with the truck option.

I always remember one woman, though, who said "I would rather be fat. I was hit by a truck and had to have my spleen removed, and I would take 20 pounds over than any day." It was a wake up call to the absurdity of our thinking.

Emily - Link Text Mommin' It Up