Perfection is Over-rated

How difficult do we make our lives? How many shoulda , woulda, couldas, do we hold our feet to the fire on? How many times do we lament our scheduling, time restraints, deadlines, commitments, or even our activities that use to bring us joy, now, seem like another task in the day? As the ending of one year shows signs of holiday festivities, and another new month upcoming signifies new beginnings, with the end of any dreaded negs accumulated...I pause. I planned my years end with a load of work, so the upcoming two weeks off would bring respite, sense of reward and reflection for me of the year in passing. It offered me that, and time to enjoy some holiday bliss with the kids, and plan a family vacation to the mountains. It offered me time to think, and prioritize my new 2014 year. 

The year, 2014 signifies more than a new year for me. It looks at life for me, in the way of what I need and what I want. I am looking at my third child, one more to go, getting ready to graduate High School in June, and start college and a new direction in life. I see my oldest daughter plan a move away to another state with her boyfriend. I watch as my free spirited second daughter is living life large, and having no immediate plans of settling down.Which leaves me with my youngest son of 15 who has just started High School. He is my most academically intelligent child of the tribe, who recently shared with me that he doesn't want to go to college. This is just one plight a Mother goes through in raising children; and knowing how much he will evolve in the next 3 years, I try, dear God I try , not to allow my emotions to get the best of me.

I end 2013 with a banner month of career focus and tenacity.I begin 2014 with a gut of raw emotion, testing my resolve; trying my words and challenging my integrity of kindness. I had a fight. I had a bad fight with someone I love, and it took me to the edge of gray darkness, glimpsing a glimmer of light, pulling me back from the doldrums of despair....weeping, crying, and then forgiving, forgiving both myself and the other....again.  I read and know that unconditional love isn't the love where you always get along, and everything is placid, peace-filled, even harmonious....Unconditional love, it is said, is the love you have even when you are hurt; even when you are angry and spewing venom...really?Can you have an unconditional love for another, and still be so angry that you don't want to be around this person? Yes, even when you are wondering if the shovel in the garage can really dig through the snow frozen earth, to dig a deep hole to bury the damage?....Even then, as you contemplate how this person , who now looks like a hideous ,nuclear disater ~ a cross between the Cookie Monster and Hannibel Lector, then... as you look ,the face morphs and changes. As you breathe deeply, your perception changes. As you try to be mindful of spewing the rights of the argument, your justifications...you shut up and you just look. You look deeper. You look at the energy of the room the hurts have created. You look at the anger in the others' face. You look at your own body posture, stance, or defensiveness. You look at how this hurt, this pain escalated. You look at options. You look at choices. You look at words . You look at words said. You look at words heard. You look at the face. You look at the soul. You look, but what do you see?  

It is so human to look at our rites.It is so vulnerable of us to want to be right, really. What we are truly seeking in our rightness, is to not be so wrong. Simplistic? Maybe. But, what we all really want in our defenses, is to be heard, felt and accepted. It isn't even always about being right, or justified, or even understood.It is not even enough to evolve past something , often times, it is simply to be loved, unconditionally.Even when we know we are imperfect. We all just want that unconditional acceptance of our imperfect but worthy soul, being seen , felt and witnessed by another , in love~ unconditionally.

We evolve in years, our bodies start to show signs of wear, but has the soul evolved with the years and body? Has the thought processing, the compassion taken precedence over righteousness? How we fight, how we make up, how we process, how we take responsibility, all of this is how we evolve for ourselves, our soul rites. How we address our soul needs can show us how evolved we really are , today. Tomorrow, we may be stellar at words, at actions, at listening, at understanding, holding our tongue, but today....how good are we today at our intergity? Did we kinda suck at it today?> Address it. Where did you do or say something you regret? Get real. Get honest. Suck it up baby, we all screw up sometimes!!

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