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Guilt doesn't just eat parents of kids with special needs alive -- it disembowels us, especially when we think about taking time for ourselves. How can we go away? What if we're the only ones who can take care of our kids' needs? Or our absence would be a very big change, and any change results in air raid siren-volume tantrums? Or we know so many other parents who never get a break, who have no ability to take a break, who need a break worse than we do? How can we even think of getting away when ours lives are so intertwined with our children's? How can we possibly be so self-indulgent, so cavalier?
The answer, which I will defend until my fists are bloody and my throat raw, is that we all deserve breaks, whether we can take them or not. And those who can, should. Because even those of us who consciously, thoughtfully, and joyfully parent our children with special needs, our children like and so unlike my son Leo, do so amidst unrelenting stress. That stress doesn't necessarily translate to "horrible," but it does translate to "hard."
We all deserve breaks from that which is hard. Let me tell you how I gave myself permission to embrace a break, to do what my friend Susan calls "taking the needle off the record."
First, I found a good excuse: My brother-in-law had opened up a restaurant, and it would be supportive of me to patronize it.
Then, I enlisted two partners-in-crime who also desperately needed breaks, and were available: Susan, and Jen:
We planned, we reserved, we left. I left piles of crap undone, backlogs untouched. I even left dirty dishes in the sink as my husband pushed me out the door. I just left.
We called it an "Autism Moms Road Trip." It was glorious.
We had deep road trip-speed conversations, with laughs and tears flowing freely. We schemed, we plotted, we decided that we needed our own talk show. Some of us slept. We were accompanied by no small people with small bladders and small stomachs, so we arrived long before we expected to. We fell asleep, with appreciation for the hotel beds whose greatest luxury was that we did not have to make them.
We awoke to pure escapism. Our alarm clock was a kind man bearing coffee on a silver tray. We went to MOCA, where the absence of small distracting people for whom we were responsible meant we could surrender to the art, wholly. (Though I did inhale sharply and stalk off with guilt-damp eyes upon realizing that MOCA was our lone non-Leo-friendly destination.) We had dinner at the so-wonderful restaurant, with my charming sister-in-law, and two other women who are not only good company but grok "hard" plus appreciate breaks, Vicki and TC. We sipped mai tais at our hotel's bar while snickering at other patrons' bad shoes and skanky blonde hair extensions (it was L.A.). And then we slept again.
photo by Susan Etlinger
After breakfast and a bit of shopping (which lets you know how giddy I'd gotten -- I loathe shopping), we hit the road, arriving home to calm happy children who had been just fine without us, and tired partners who were happy to have us resume partnerships. (Though they'd been just fine without us, too. We did call. Several times.)
The needle not only went right back down on the record, but my kids had apparently reset the record speed to 78 RPM. I resumed the standard overwhelm, readjusted to being sleep-deprived, overbooked, and so scattered that I put my son's lunchbox containing the only five things he eats into the backpack of his little sister, instead of her luncbox containing the only five totally different items she eats. To staring blankly at work spreadsheets, unable to parse sorting numbers rather than letters. And that's okay. I know how to function like this, how to prioritize kids and family while tolerating familiar chaos. But I also so, so appreciated taking a break from it.
Let me encourage you, inspire you, help you find a way to take your own well-deserved break.
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More on guilt, parenting, special needs, and vacations:
- Kim Moldofsky at MOMformation: Do You Vacation With Your Kids, or Leave Them Behind?
- Joan Celebi at Special Needs Parent Coach: Take a Vacation From Guilt
- Kim Webb at Special Needs Neighborhood: Give Your Child With Special
