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Are You Childless By Choice? Pew Report on Childless Women Doesn't Answer Some Questions

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Last week, the Pew Research Center released a new report indicating that childlessness among women in the U.S. has risen notably over the last 30 years or so.

Here's the money data:

Nearly one in five American women ends her childbearing years without having borne a child, compared with one in ten in the 1970s. While childlessness has risen for all racial and ethnic groups and most education levels, it has fallen over the past decade for women with advanced degrees.

So, bottom line, the childlessness rate has doubled over the last 30 years. And there are more than three times as many women who have never borne children now as there were in 1976 (1.9MM vs. 580K).

A few things leapt out to me, from the wonky research side of my brain:

  • The study considers the end of childbearing years to be 40-44, yet acknowledges that more women are delaying birth.
  • While it is still true that the more educated the woman, the more likely she is childless, the most highly educated are the only educational level of women where their childlessness rate is actually declining! Women at all education levels below having completed college are remaining childless more frequently.
  • This particular study didn't survey voluntary vs. involuntary childlessness, but the National Survey of Family Growth does. It reports that as many women are deemed "involuntarily" childless as are "voluntarily" childless at that point, and yes, some additional women are still trying at that age.

But then, there are the things that leapt out to me as one of those "voluntarily" childless women:

  • It's nice to know that the majority no longer feels that I lead an "empty life" without children. Fifty-nine percent of people now disagree with that statement.
  • A full 46 percent may now believe that it doesn't impact society if more women remain childless, but an almost as significant 38 percent think it's "bad for society."
  • And quite interesting: Only 41 percent believe children are very important for a happy marriage, down from 65 percent only 20 years ago.

Unfortunately, the study seems to be purely quantitative, in that it doesn't report asking women themselves to report on the reasons for their childlessness, whether voluntary or not. Of course they theorize ... about reduced societal pressure (38 percent thinking such childlessness is bad for society notwithstanding), about better contraception options, about more job opportunities (yes, the data was collected in 2008, probably pre-economic implosion!).

And that is some data I'd really like to see. How many women are "voluntarily" childless because they feel they can't afford children versus feeling that either they're not stable enough, or that they're not in a stable enough relationship, or think there are genetic reasons, or have that eco-driven "why bring more children into an over-populated (and pretty screwed up) world?"

And I'd really like to know how many women are out there like me: Who never wanted kids; who never felt that tug or that clock; who never regretted it, as many assumed (and told us) we would. Because my personal experience is that there are plenty of people who don't buy it (and certainly don't understand it even if they buy it).

I'd like to know exactly how odd I really am! Although I appear to be getting less odd.

Here's what some other bloggers are noting about the report:

Elizabeth Gregory from the Huffington Post: Childlessness and Late Fertility: Parsing the New Pew Report

What's odd is that the graph the authors provide (though not the discussion) indicates that the rate of childlessness in this age group in 2000 was 19 percent. So, it would have been just as correct for the headline to read "Childlessness Down Among All Women." Or "Childlessness Fairly Steady For Past 15 Years," since, as the graph also shows, the big rate jump occurred between 1984 and 1992, when the rate went from 11 percent to 16 percent. So that change is not exactly news.

Hello, Ladies: Should We Worry Women Aren't Having Babies?

I am reminded of a conversation I once had with my hairdresser. I was at her salon the Monday after Mother’s Day and she asked me how I had celebrated the day.

I told her my cousin, who is single and childfree, has a group of us over to for brunch. She lives in the city and after our meal we usually walk around Beacon Hill and enjoy the dogwood trees and the daffodils blooming. “Don’t you feel sorry for your cousin?” my hairdresser

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morgansue 5 pts

You are SO not odd!!! Upon discovering fertility issues, we decided NOT to go through with expensive and painful treatments. We were told with intervention, we probably would be able to have a child. After the stress and uncertainity of the first few months of speaking to specialists, ovulation calendars and the uncertainty of thinking this is "the month," we decided life was worth living and this wasn't the way to live it. Initially I was devastated, my lifelong dream of having a child was over. My husband was dead set against adoption. Ten years later, I am satisfied with our lives and feel we were meant to be childless for a reason. While some might feel we are selfish and have more or less been told that by friends and co workers that hint around about our ability to provide a child with a stable home, we are quite happy. Will I be sorry when I am old and gray and don't have children or grandchildren? Who knows, time will tell. Unfortunately I have seen many people with four or five children who ignore them and they have to rely on friends and extended family in their golden years. At this point I no longer have the desire to be a mother, which is a total change around from 20 years ago when I was graduating college and starting a life which I knew would include a family. Well, we have a family--My husband and I are each other's family along with our pets!!!

CleverFTW 6 pts

I am not a satisitican but I think what they don't ask is almost as telling as what they do. Let's face it we may not be ready, as a society (and an American one 'let's face it) to accept that there are reasons that don't conform.

I am single and like another commenter said "infertile by circusmtances". I am really trying to figure out if I ever really wanted kids or just said I did because it was in the "future" and seemed easier than owning up that never had twinges. I guess time will tell but I probably won't and I really hope that is ok, but if it isn't screw them.

kbojar 7 pts

Increasing acceptance of “childlessness” (hate that word) is one of the important victories of the feminist movement.

It’s really depressing to see strong feminists putting pressure on their daughters to “give them” grandchildren.

The idea that your children are here to gratify your desires—-for grandchildren, for choosing a partner within your ethnic/racial/ religious group, for making career choices you approve of and give you something to brag about with your friends—-this is still very much alive and well.

Karen Bojar

http://www.the-next-stage.com/

ArwenTaylor 5 pts

I've been told this too and it was mainly because I am my father's only biological child (he has stepchildren). The inference was that it was my responsibility to carry on the family line.

If people ask me, I tell them I'm childless by choice. However, every once in awhile I feel the urge but then I start thinking about having to deal with baby daddy drama and I change my mind.

I say to each her own. In every population you are going to have a certain amount of people who just don't want to bring little one's into the world. I consider it to be Mother Nature's way of controlling the population.

--

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thebusychick 5 pts

What did Billy Holiday sing? "Taint Nobody's Business if I do" or don't!

Marriage and giving birth to children are not the only way to love kids. So many kids need a positive, healthy adult in their lives. Canal (birth canal) aside, kids need a community willing to support, nurture and love them. I hope we all are supporting and guiding a kid somewhere (relative, neighborhood, etc.)

Modeling a healthy, magnanimous lifestyle is the best kind of "reproduction" in my opinion.

(Maybe I've been in nonprofit too long)

From The Quintessential Busy Chick ( http://www.thebusychick.com/ )
The Busy Chick.Com ( http://www.thebusychick.com/ )

Elisa Camahort 22 pts

She asked me to write about this report, and I realized I don't think I've ever written about being childless by choice on BlogHer before. Hadn't even thought to do so.

I'm just amazed by the in-depth comments above, and from people on every point on the spectrum.

Now, see, if we can all agree to live and let live wherever you are, why can't everyone else?

Elisa Camahort Page
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My BlogHer profile truly shows you everything I do online...Check it out!!

Britt Bravo 5 pts

Thanks so much for writing about this, Elisa. I really appreciate the discussion. It's amazing how it is still kind of a taboo topic.

Britt Bravo ( http://blogher.org/?q=member/britt-bravo ) blogs at Have Fun * Do Good ( http://havefundogood.blogspot.com/ ).

akefa 5 pts

i find it interesting that either way choosing to or not to can be equally selfish depending on ones reasoning motivations and intentions... and then there is the question whats wrong with selfishness if it hurts no one... selfish and unselfish are both highly over rated. in truth both can cause a lot of trouble.

I feel that if people are willing, capable and great people then having children is definitely for the benefit of all... there are way to many folks who suck, breeding offspring who will insure that everyones future sucks.

no one should have kids if they don't want to( because that will ensure pain and suffering for the children) however if they are really good people with all the right qualities and their only excuse not to is that they love their lavish and responsibility-free lifestyles then yes maybe it is selfish... maybe in a healthy or not so healthy way?

however some people who are looking for completion by having kids yet do not prepare themselves or have not looked at the darkness within and still have kids to fulfill their ego's then that too is selfish. and dangerous for sure!

for some, children will be the best thing in their lives and for others, they will hate their kids and feel they are a blight or curse in their lives... personal awareness is key.

i also say it is never selfish as long as we contribute and pass on the wisdom and love to the next generation be it via nieces nephews or the children of friends.

it takes a community and we all have a responsibility (even those who choose childlessness because in my opinion as long as the world has children then no one can be childless in truth)

i say that the childless are more in a position to help those who have chosen parent hood and it takes both to ensure the evolution of humanity- hopefully in the direction of healing and wholeness.

i say that it is not selfish as long as we don't use childlessness to skirt our responsibility to the sanctity of earth and that everyone upholds the conservation of the world for the future of all children... cause what are children but little people.

but to help folks see another side (maybe), in my generation having kids is seen as old fashioned and is often looked down upon. we are not encouraged and if anything we are told that if our parents had a choice they would have chosen otherwise... on one hand it is very liberating and on the other it is painful to feel guilt at having ruined our parents freedom... parenting needs to be a choice and hopefully not a sacrifice...

i have felt guilt growing up at the idea of having kids, being so discouraged... being told i am contributing to a global problem of over population and scarcity of resources(when really the issue is greed and imbalanced politics), being told i could never afford it and that it will ruin my life and destroy my freedom... however true as it may be, it sucks...

in my generation as a woman you are encouraged to put material gain before family and that its best to wait till one needs invitro-fertilization till one decides.

i have no support because parenting is seen as a std... the by-product when sex goes wrong.

and if i do have kids i am a failure as a woman, if i decide to be a stay at home mom, that i have let down my sisters somehow by following in the footsteps of my great grandmothers. mother-hood is seen as slavery and the expectation is that i should be a career girl instead and told that in that arena is where i will find happiness instead...
i say i find happiness within and that although mother-hood does not define femininity it can still be celebrated as a part of it... that only women can do the duty as life bringer/mother/auntie and midwife...

what ever one chooses is good as long as it is done with love and awareness. i strongly feel that we need to honor all the dynamic roles as equally important... that we support one another as sisters on a journey rising up as one for women and for wisdom and the children of the future!~

just to all those who are childless by choice...thank you so much!!! it was thanks to ladies like yourself that my mom who was a single mom had days off and i got to go on numerous adventures!!! because of women like you i had older ladies friends to share with me about things i could never talk to my mom about as candidly!!! gb childless women!

Laurie S. 5 pts

I would like to add that not only do you Aunties love our children, but are sometimes able to provide unique and special gifts of time and energy to our children that Aunties who are parents of other children cannot provide. Thank you!

lauracarroll 8 pts

Hi, Laura, Families of Two here...while I do think that for more women the decision to have kids evolves over time, as women weigh when is a good time given work and relationship situations, there are more of us than you think that always knew on some level that we just don't have a big desire to become a mother. I agree with you--more data needs to be collected on why women do not have children. How does it ferret out from voluntary childless, to involuntary childless and temporarily childless? Watching this along with women's age would be very interesting.

The National Survey on Family Growth is one of the few that tracks the choice factor in any way, but it collects the data for the age range 15-44, which has its issues.

Researchers Joyce Abma and Gladys Martinez at the National Center for Health Statistics took 2002 National Survey of Family Growth data further, and focused on women aged 35-44.They found that there were equal numbers of 40-44 women who are childless by choice and those who would like children but cannot have them: 6% were voluntarily childless, 6% involuntarily childless and 2% temporarily childless.

Need more studies like this!
Laura
Families of Two
http://lauracarroll.com

Elisa Camahort 22 pts

...told you not to have kids so often and vehemently. At some point that seems like it would be a bummer to hear.

Elisa Camahort Page
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My BlogHer profile truly shows you everything I do online...Check it out!!

Carebuzz 5 pts

Carol Marak, Founder

CareBuzz ( http://carebuzz.com )

I agree with so many of you women on "going childless" - ME TOO. All my life my Mom would remind me .. "Carol, don't have children, they are too much trouble". And I followed her advice.. by choice. I thought long and hard on that decision - and I am very happy too that I vote NO.

I see many friends of mine and the unhappy children or unhappy marriages or unhappy girlfriends who did choose to have little ones.. Ugh.. I am not sorry at all. Too much trouble.

I am a very happy childless woman!

transgressorsgrace 5 pts

I found this whole topic interesting because I am one of the childless women who is not childless by choice. We've been trying to a number of years to get pregnant with no success. It's always amazing to me the comments I get from people. Some family members badger me about it. My father in law recently told me it was time to do something about it. I needed to get myself to a fertility specialist for hormone therapy or in vitro or whatever or start looking into adoption. As if it's any of his business what I choose to do with my body or when and if we decide to adopt. My husband's coworkers and superiors in the Army also have no problem commenting on our lack of children with comments like, "When are you two going to get around to having kids?" or "Don't you think it's time you had a kid or two?" So aggravating. So, I can tell you that the idea that women "should" be having babies is alive and well. Even though I know better, these kinds of comments make me feel like a failure as a woman. Cognitively, I know it's not my fault I haven't been able to get pregnant, but emotionally, I feel like I'm letting my husband down. Letting the family down. Letting myself down.

The other side of that coin is those who assume that we are childless by choice. I sometimes get the "So why don't you like kids?" questions. Other times, it's the "Oh, we didn't think to invite you because you don't have kids, so we knew you wouldn't want to be around them." Or the "You're smart not to have kids with your husband in the Army and gone all the time." Those kinds of comments kill me, because I love children. I love being around them. I hate knowing that we're often left off the invite lists for family oriented events because it's assumed that we aren't interested in that scene. It often offends me when people mistakenly assume we don't want children, which just goes to show that my sense of self and success is partially wrapped up in completing the marriage + kids equation.

I think that there are no wrong choices when it comes to deciding to have kids or not. I just also am conscious of not making assumptions and not judging couples who don't have them.

Jess from Transgressor's Grace

Read more from me at: http://transgressors-grace.blogspot.com/

SavvyAuntie 6 pts

Yep! And glad to see the tune is catchy! You're a true Savvy Auntie, Elisa! XO

Melanie Notkin Founder, SavvyAuntie.com

Elisa Camahort 22 pts

Several kids out there that are no actual relation who call me Auntie :)

I know you've been singing this tune a long time, Melanie!

Elisa Camahort Page
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SavvyAuntie 6 pts

Elisa, You are certainly not alone. In fact, exactly two years ago tomorrow, I launched SavvyAuntie.com when I realized I wasn't alone either. This recent Pew Research study is based on the 2006 US Census fertility data which reported that nearly 50% of American women don't have children. Some are child free by choice, some because they're young and just not there yet, some have biological infertility, and some, like me, are 'circumstantially infertile,' meaning I always dreamed of having children but haven't met the man I want to have children with. But like many non-moms, I do love my nephew and nieces and my friends' children. And my role as their aunt fills me in ways I never knew possible.

The fallacy we see with so many who judge childless women is the assumption that we are all heartless, selfish women who don't like kids. Even most women who are child free by choice love someone else's child. And parents would do best to encourage all the Aunties by Relation and Aunties by Choice as they offer whatever they can to support their family and the American Family Village. Every child can use another loving adult to care for them.

Aunt-hood is a selfless, generous gift I am thankful to be able to offer the amazing children in my life. Somewhere along the way I focused my life on all that I am, rarely thinking about what I don't have. That makes me happy.

Melanie Notkin@SavvyAuntie
Founder, SavvyAuntie.com

The Savvy Auntie Guide to Life (William Morrow / HarperCollins 2011)

Suzanne86 6 pts

Very interesting post on the Pew Repoot on growing childlessness. Too many people have children just because they are "supposed to" and I've seen far too many unhappy young parents who thought having a child would be similar to getting their first dog (someone once told me that). So, only people who really, really *want to be parents* should have them, in my book. To me, that would be best for the children. As somone who was married for the first time at age 42, I decided not to have children until the right man came along (read: healthy relationship). This was partly out of respect for the unborn being. (Then, it dawned on me that my biological clock wasn't even ticking, so we opted not to go there.)We also have to think about the children here, too.

lauriewrites 15 pts

Living in the odd limbo of "not really by choice" but "could have if I really wanted to I guess, damn insufficient funds and a willing partner" is weird.

Laurie
LaurieWrites ( http://lauriewrites.typepad.com )
Photos on Flickr ( http://www.flickr.com/photos/rubyshoes )

e. 5 pts

I love what you are saying about "justification for existing"! You are so on target -- and not just about our reproductive choices. I think women have to justify many aspects of our lives in ways men generally don't. Women get a lot of "why are you...?" or "why aren't you...?" while men get a lot of "what do you think about...?" inquiries. I am generalizing a bit, I know, but I'm not completely off the rails.

http://thingsididandsaid.blogspot.com/

Elisa Camahort 22 pts

Thanks to all of you who are joining me in odd solidarity :)

And yes, Rita, BlogHer may also be odd in the way we talk about touchy subjects. I'm just afraid to go look at the VF article. I looked yesterday when there were only about 8 comments and they were already bandying about the "selfish" or maybe "self-cetnered" meme.

As to why this is news at all? Good question. I don't think it's because we're worried about the human race dying out a la The Handmaid's Tale. So, yes, WHY do we care whether every single adult female breeds?

Elisa Camahort Page
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Rita Arens 45 pts

I just popped over to that Vanity Fair post, and while Brett's comments are different than Elisa's -- wow, the comment stream is different. It is so nice to be part of a community in which we don't automatically attack the writer and each other in order to make our points.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak. She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

betsy946 5 pts

I've been happily married for over 30 years and childless. I just kept putting of the decision, saw many of my childhood friends getting divorced and becoming single mothers...too hard for me.

I was recently laid off and feel very lucky I don't have to worry about providing for kids.

knichols1109 5 pts

It would not surprise me if at some point geneticists will discover that there's a gene for maternal instinct. Mine is definitely recessive to the point of being nonexistent.

I've always been deaf to the tick tock of the biological clock. I married when I was 46, so kids were not really in the cards. Most people in our social circle are similarly childless -- some by choice, others perhaps not.

I've never been one to worry about what people think of me -- and truthfully, more than a few who know me probably think me odd -- but I've been lucky to grow up in a time in which I have not been forced into a Betty Draper mold.

Like you, Elisa, I think the survey needed to differentiate between voluntary and involuntary childlessness. A woman who is involuntarily childless will respond quite differently from someone who has opted out of the kiddy track.

Is society accepting of the child-free choice? It's hard for me to generalize. I live in the SF Bay Area, so the traditional family unit is perceived differently here than in many of the red states. I don't know what people say behind my back, but I suspect that whether I'm childless or not is not on most people's radar.

It was different when I was growing up in the Beaver Cleaver days and you never heard of married couples who didn't have children. There was exactly one childless couple of whom I was aware, and my mom frequently expressed the opinion that they were "selfish" for remaining childless. (This said without knowing whether this was a voluntary or involuntary choice on their part.) I think we've come a long way since then.

A couple of years ago, my boss (a gay man with an adopted child) took the department out to lunch. There were about 8 of us at the table and except for our boss, we were all females over the age of 45. At one point in the conversation, someone observed that of everyone at the table, the only one with kids was the gay dad. It was a good "Only in San Francisco" moment.

Karen Nichols

Writer | Catster.com

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Laurie S. 5 pts

Such great comments. Totally agree with the one about kids adding stress to a marriage. I have a good marriage, but it definitely became more difficult with the arrival of 2 kids.

I pondered this issue a lot this past week after spending an amazing week of vacation with a good friend who does not have children nor a significant other. It involved entertaining 5 kids. After going home alone tonight, I am certain she is happy to be there by herself, without kids or husband. I am happy to be where I am in my chaotic home.

Why can't people just understand that we all can be content with different lifestyles.

Yes, Elisa, I too think that it would be enlightening to know more of the reasons behind people's decisions.

Maria Niles 9 pts

Yes. Thank you, Beth for articulating this so well. I'm not childless. I'm not childfree. I just don't have children. I'm a free, grown woman who has made a series of choices in life and they haven't led to me having children. And I'm OK with that. A surefire recipe for being not happy? Forcing myself to make different choices so I could fit into someone else's shoes so that I could follow their path and take their journey.

BlogHer Contributing Editor ( http://www.blogher.com/blog/maria-niles ) PopConsumer ( http://consumerpop.typepad.com/popconsumer ) Beyond Help ( http://mariax.vox.com/ )

Tricia Soto 5 pts

I was remarking to a friend just yesterday that one of the nice things about getting older is that I no longer hear : "You'll change your mind." when the topic of my choice to remain childfree comes up.

I hope we are "becoming less odd" so that young women won't doubt their own feelings and wishes like I so often did.

But I never did change my mind nor have I once regretted my decision. A decision I had made before I met the man I eventually married. And he doesn't regret it either.

Tricia (http://cheekyattitude.com)

Beth Terry 8 pts

I chose to go to the University of Maryland, which means that as much as I might have liked Harvard or UCLA or the University of Hawaii, I couldn't attend those schools at the same time.

I chose to move to the San Francisco Bay Area, which means that as much as I toy with the idea of living in Amsterdam or Hilo or Austin or Takoma Park, I can't live in those cities at the same time. (I could move, but that's a separate choice.)

I chose to commit to a monagamous marriage with the man that I married, which means that an affair with Vampire Bill is out of the question. Damnit.

My point is that we make all kinds of choices about how to live our lives, and those choices are not always without a certain amount of ambivalence. There are those who have always known they wanted children, those who have never wanted children, and there are also those like me who thought they wanted children, who sometimes get a wistful feeling around other people's children, and who at the same time believe we have made the right choice after weighing the factors involved.

Many of the choices we make preclude other choices. Just as I can't drive to L.A. and Seattle at the same time, I can't have kids and not have kids. And if I had kids, I'd be missing out on a lot of things that make my life really great.

I don't think there's anything wrong with grieving the choices we didn't make while simultaneously celebrating the choices we did, if those are the feelings that arise. And no one has the right to begrudge us any part of our unique paths.

Beth Terry@fakeplasticfish
Live Life with Less Plastic! ( http://fakeplasticfish.com )
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missydoll 5 pts

as both an adoptee and a soon to be adoptive mother, the ONLY difference between an adoptive mom and a biological mom is stretch marks.

missydoll 5 pts

The thought that having children would make a marriage happy is ludicrous. (And I am not talking about infertile couples who are heartbroken at the inability to conceive.)

Children are probably the most stressful thing that can happen to a marriage. If a marriage is weak, a child will reveal the fractures almost immediately following conception. If a marriage is strong, a child can weaken it.

Happy marriages are usually (not always) made happier by the addition of children. Unhappy marriages will almost certainly be made unhappier.

Personally, I am blessed to be in a happy marriage that could survive the stresses we have incurred from having four babies in 3.5 years. But I have often thought, we have the perfect setup as far as support, finances, extended family, maturity, strong faith, etc, and it has still be unbelievably difficult at times. I don't know how people in less fortunate situations could survive.

In a nutshell - if you don't really REALLY want children, then for the love of God, GET A DOG INSTEAD. I support you 100%.

suebob 18 pts

I think it is quite instructive that they didn't ask the by-choice or not-by-choice question. In my experience, chasm between those two groups is huge. They aren't really similar at all.

HelloLadies 7 pts

http://www.helloladies.com

Great article Elisa. After reading your take and the comments, I still feel the report is much ado about nothing. Some women want children. Some don't. Good for all of them.

Elisa Camahort 22 pts

Not having kids allows us to be generous...to our nieces and nephews :)

(And probably some good charities too.)

Elisa Camahort Page
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Elisa Camahort 22 pts

Was it Childfree Day, and no one remembered to tell me, the poster child?

Elisa Camahort Page
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staciez 5 pts

I was told about 5-6 years ago (I'm 39 now) that I was "selfish" to not have kids. I always kind of thought the opposite actually... and never really understood why not having kids made me selfish. I actually am not against having kids, the right guy/relationship just hasn't happened for me.

And this came from a woman who had one toddler and thought everyone should experience her "JOY!"!!

Still kidless. And ok with that. :)

Rita Arens 45 pts

Popped into Twitter and look what I found! http://www.vanityfair.com/online/daily/2010/07/why...

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak. She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

Rita Arens 45 pts

What if you had said, "I want everyone to have what I have"?

Here's the thing: Those of us who have kids are still in the majority, and people in the majority often feel comfortable pushing their lifestyle on others. (I can think of a thousand examples I will not list off in the parenting sphere itself, oh, the irony.)

I for one am trying very hard as I get older to never assume my way is the way other people find natural or "normal."

I, too, hate "I want everyone to have what I have." I'm sure the woman didn't realize how completely arrogant that sounds, but it does sound extremely arrogant.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak. She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

finnyknits 5 pts

Like many of the commenters, I shudder at the, "I just want you to have what I have." statement because I find that to be ridiculous.

I SEE what they have and I'm not interested. And I assume that most childfree (by choice) people are able to see what parents 'have' in their relationships with their children and that, perhaps, plays into their decisions to not have children.

It has for me, personally.

My husband and I have looked at our lives to make this decision and have decided that we really like the life we have together and, since we never wanted kids to begin with and haven't seen any compelling reason to change our minds (including observing our friends who do have kids), we're choosing to continue having what we already have and enjoy.

Just because that differs from what someone else has makes little difference to me. Happiness is happiness, however you choose to make it.

lauriewrites 15 pts

But first of all, pity is about the most useless emotion on the planet and people who "feel sorry" for women without children may as well tell the truth and say they really mostly feel superior, whether their lives are ones that I would emulate or not.

I know some pretty miserable couples and parents. I'm just saying.

You know that I'd like to be a parent but don't feel that my life has supported that so far. I'm lucky that my immediate family doesn't pressure me or think I'm defective (I don't think) but I'm well aware that some members of my extended family do. My grandmother was my #1 fan and my favorite person of all time. She raised four boys and told me that if I didn't have children it was no biggie and she meant it. Coming from someone in her generation, I thought that meant a lot, but I could have done just about anything I think and it would have been cool with her. She felt I was enough, whereas oftentimes in my life I have not. I highly recommend scoring a person like that in your life, biological tie or no.

Motherhood is (I believe, sorry, just me) the cultural norm. I think it'll take a long time (if we survive the oceans being overrun with oil. I have my doubts...) until it is no longer THE symbol of womanhood, or until women who do not somehow become mothers have to explain why. Then again, women have to explain why they have one child or 17, why they were 16 or 47 when they had them, why they work wherever and whenever they do. We are asked to narrate every single aspect of our reproductive choices in certain circles, and it smacks far too much of justification for...existing? It's really old.

I have a much larger problem with parents who abuse or mistreat or pass on negative traits to their children than I do women (and men in partnership with them) choosing not to be parents.

It is nice, though, Elisa, that more people think I have some value without producing a child than used to. I think? ;)

Laurie
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Elisa Camahort 22 pts

I think if you click on the link for the study they have a brief mention of parenting via adoption and step-parenting.

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bjjourney 5 pts

When and if we choose to have children should be about it being right for us, not people trying to make us feel we're somehow incomplete for not copying their life. It drives me insane. And the presumption that someone else knows what makes me happy is slightly infuriating.

If someone wants kids or has them, that's wonderful and I'm glad it figures into their happiness, but why does it suddenly give them free reign to press it onto me?

Brooke writes Roots and Wings ( http://haverootsandwings.blogspot.com/ ) and maintains Today Looks Like This ( http://todaylookslikethis.blogspot.com/ )

Lavender Luz 12 pts

Am I childless or not?

I am a mom.

AND I am likely to be one who "ends her childbearing years without having borne a child."

I wonder how the study would have counted we who became mothers solely via adoption?

***

Odd or not, Elisa, I salute any person who knows what s/he wants and lives by that, no matter what "fullness" others try to impart to them.

Weebles Wobblog ( http://www.weebleswobblog.com/ ) ... yin-yanging my way.@LavLuz
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SCanon 9 pts

Why is someone's reproductive life anyone else's business anyhow? We should all have enough common sense to know that it is a deeply personal decision.
I can tend to take a very stink-eye approach to this whole argument simply because I've known way too many parents who would have been better off as cat owners. I grew up in a place where having a lot of children to collect more welfare money was quite common. I also knew more than my fair share of people who tried to bring a baby into a bad relationship hoping that it would fix those problems. Making a conscious decision to not have children is NOT bad and it is NOT harming society. Having 12 kids for money and then not taking any responsibility in actually raising them is harmful to society.
Somer blogs at Merry Wife of Canon ( http://www.merrywifeofcanon.com ) as well as Smell My Plate ( http://www.smellmyplate.com ).

SCanon 9 pts

I think that the whole marriage+kids=happiness thing is totally loaded. Kids don't make a marriage happier and marriage doesn't make for happier kids. It's B.S.
Somer blogs at Merry Wife of Canon ( http://www.merrywifeofcanon.com ) as well as Smell My Plate ( http://www.smellmyplate.com ).

Celeste Lindell 7 pts

When I was about to turn 35, my husband and I had one last talk about whether we might want to have a kid or whether we were good as is. We quickly decided that we liked our lifestyle just fine the way it was.

I love my niece and nephew, but there's a lot to be said for having the leisure time and money to pursue other interests. Also, my husband is genetically predisposed to just about every bad thing you can imagine, so it seemed a little cruel to set up a child for heart disease, diabetes, etc.

Celeste Lindell
averagejane.blogs.com ( http://averagejane.blogs.com )

Denise 327 pts moderator

Just kidding. Sort of.

I have never understood why a) kids help you have a happier "marriage" b) why "marriage" helps you have happier kids.

It's all BS if you ask me.

Kids aren't necessary for happiness. Neither is marriage.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
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Suzanne Reisman 7 pts

This is actually something my bubbe (Yiddish for grandma) has told me repeatedly in her concern for my lack of children. However, she appears to be the only person in my family who is concerned that my life is meaningless without kids. I never wanted kids and am grateful that, even though we do not live in a perfectly accepting society, it is a lot easier now than it used to be. I'd say that you are not odd, Elisa, although I'm not sure how meaningful that is coming from me. :)

Suzanne also blogs at Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants ( http://cussandotherrants.com ) and is the author of Off the Beaten (Subway) Track ( http://offthebeatensubwaytrack.com ).

sassymonkey 208 pts moderator

On the whole, "I want everyone to have what I have" thing when it comes to kids. I'm thrilled that other women are so happy with their choice to have children, I just they wouldn't project it on me or my friends who don't have children.

I have a friend who has never ever had so much of a twinge of wanting to have children. Me? I'll confess to the odd twinge but don't worry, it passes quickly. ;)

Contributing Editor Sassymonkey also blogs at Sassymonkey ( http://sassymonkey.ca ) and Sassymonkey Reads ( http://sassymonkeyreads.ca ).

Elisa Camahort 22 pts

And said I "wanted everyone to have what I have", given I'm pretty happy sans-children.

I can only imagine :)

I'm also really intrigued by the decline in thinking kids are important to have a happy marriage...given the majority of folks still do eventually get married and have kids. That means a whole lot of married-with-kids are now saying "eh, not necessary".

Or is that my heathen unnatural childless perspective talking? ;)

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JennaHatfield 73 pts

The "I want everyone to have what I have" line makes me cringe. I know that I have a great life; it's what I wanted. But it's not what my brother wanted timeline wise. It's not what my best friends did timeline wise. It's not what my Aunt wanted at all. And we're all kind of awesome in our own ways.

Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )), from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ), is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

Melissa Ford 39 pts

It isn't perhaps the best analogy, but I was struck by part of the quote in Hello, Ladies: "I want everyone to have what I have." It reminded me of Christmas and how people can't understand how there are people who have no desire to celebrate the holiday, don't feel as if they're missing anything, but are happy that you're happy celebrating the holiday. I've been asked if I feel left out or sad or jealous and I've been told how much fun it can be to celebrate Christmas. And yet, I've never felt as if something was missing from my life. They miss the point that I could celebrate Christmas if I really wanted to celebrate Christmas, and if I'm not, there must be a good reason.

This analogy, of course, does not stretch to those involuntarily childless.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).